fifty bares his soul
by Jeangb
Summary: Elliot has always wondered, his world is about to rock when he hears the truth. Will it change the view of his brother?
1. Chapter 1

**Fifty bares his soul. Jeangb. **Elliot has always wondered. His world is about to rock when he hears the truth. Will this change his view of his brother? E Grey, C Grey.

A short one off for a beginner. Be kind and review this idea I had in my head.

I don't own any of the characters just borrowing for fun.

Chapter 1.

Elliot pov

Taylor drives us back to the airport to the hanger where my brother's corporate jet is parked. It is white and sleek painted in the GEH livery. As we exit the car Christian and I look at each other with the widest grins on our faces we high five, job done!

Our parents would be proud if they could see us today, well me really. They are used to seeing Christian smart in suit and tie with his CEO personae but are more used to seeing me in work jeans and t shirt. But today we look a bit like a pair of hit men in dark suits, white shirts and matching blue ties. Even Christian's hair is tidy. Yes the Grey boys look good and impressive.

Christian has just made me a 4million dollar deal. I couldn't have done it without him I don't have the same talent he has to manipulate a board of directors, confound them with his youth and knowledge. Still he has made himself a multi billionaire in about seven years since dropping out of Harvard. I've done well in my business of ecological construction but nothing in the same league.

We board the jet and decide to celebrate with a drink or two. The young woman who is part of the cabin crew serves us a light lunch and with a bottle of wine. This evolves into a bottle of bourbon and soon we are just a little bit smashed.

I consider Christian speculatively; He's a good looking guy, with gray eyes that can penetrate into your being. He has copper coloured hair that reflects his temper. Oh yes Christian has a temper and at times is barely held in control.

Seeing me looking at him he scowls

"What?" he asks sharply.

"You're not gay are you?"

"Don't start"

"No, I saw you eyeing the secretary"

"So? A guy can look can't he?"

"Yes but gay guys don't"

"Elliot, it's your assumption that I'm gay. You have no idea about me, just because I don't run around Seattle trying fuck every woman available doesn't mean I'm gay" he looks pissed now.

"It's not just me" I argue "everyone thinks so. You don't date you don't bring anyone home. You go to all these functions but always alone, never with a girl on your arm. What do you expect people to think?"

"Frankly, I don't give a fuck it's none of their business, nor is it yours" his lips grimace into a thin line and takes another drink. Leans back in his seat and closes his eyes.

"Sorry bro, I don't mean to offend. It's just that you,…." I break off not really wanting to prey.

"It's just what!" he snaps

"You let us all think that you are gay, celibate, what ever you. But you obviously get attracted to girls, it's not the first time I've seen you eyeing them up. So, why are there no women in your life?"

"I don't have time" he mumbles "All that hearts and flowers stuff, it's not for me"

I look at him in amazement what's he saying. Which red blooded male doesn't have time for a girl?

He pours himself another drink then pushes the bottle over to me.

He takes a long drink emptying his glass, then pours more, leans back in his seat, takes a deep breath. He seems to come to a decision. He takes another breath.

"I have a very different sexual outlet than most normal guys and its best kept private, for your's and everyone's sake."

" What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Elliot, if I tell you about my life style, you, mom and dad will not want me around"

I'm amazed, what on earth is he saying?

So do you want me to continue?


	2. Chapter 2

**Fifty bares his soul. Jeangb. **Elliot has always wondered. His world is about to rock when he hears the truth. Will this change his view of his brother? E Grey, C Grey.

A short one off for a beginner. Be kind and review this idea I had in my head.

I don't own any of the characters just borrowing for fun.

Well Thankyou for the reviews quite a surprise. So, I'll carry on

Chapter 2

Christians POV

I've always considered Elliot as my best, probably my only true friend. Although we are adopted brothers, if we had met at grade school, at a game or in a bar we would have been friends.

We were brought together by the two most caring people you could meet; not our biological parents but parents of the heart.

Elliot was too young when he was adopted to have any memories of his real parents, as was Mia. But me, I had memories, horrifying memories of my life before I was adopted. And that's the problem, because of that traumatic early childhood I have real difficulty in totally believing that _anyone_ could want or love me, or, that I was capable of having a loving relationship.

Elliot was nearly seven when I came into his life. I think he was scared of me at first. I had lost the power of speech, I couldn't bear to be touched when he tried to put his arm around me, even in a friendly manner I would hit him and shrink away. I had the most terrible nightmares, I still do on occasions, and no one, not even Mom could hold me to reassure me. When Elliot heard me groaning and thrashing about in a nightmare, he often was at my side before mom or dad got there. He learned not to touch my body but he would put his hands in my hair and gently tug at it to wake me up. Then if my parents said it was ok he would lay on the bed with me, not touching, just being there.

When Mia came into our lives things changed for us all, I found my words! I could touch Mia and Mia could touch me. You see she offered no threat, I knew she could not hurt me but she needed to be safe she was so tiny and I could protect her. I still feel that way now.

As kids, Elliot and I became co conspirators in all sorts of scrapes and games, we hung out together and Elliot would defend me against the bullies.

I had a ferocious temper and would lash out for the slightest reason. Often with kids twice my size. Elliot was nearly always there to pull me off or fight with me.

When we hit our adolescence, of course Elliot being older got there first but I think I got there earlier because he told me allsorts of thing and I copied. He told me when he first kissed a girl and how he had got an erection. It wasn't long before I too was having wet dreams to add to my nightmares. But there was one thing I knew would never happen for me, I would never be able to have any sort of relationship with a girl. That became evident when one of the girls at school threw her arms around my neck and tried to kiss me. I felt as though she was burning me, the pain that seared through my body was indescribable and I had to push her away from me. Of course she was hurt and upset so she called me a weirdo, a gay weirdo. I couldn't explain why she had that effect on me. Naturally, the word got round at school and I was labelled "Gay Grey" I was twelve.

That didn't help my anger issues and was constantly having my parents brought to school to listen to my list of faults. I was expelled from my first school at thirteen my second at fourteen and nearly my third at fifteen.

My folks where at their wits end to know what to do with me, no amount of grounding, withdrawal of privileges talking to, shouting at made any difference. Of course, I felt terrible at causing them so much pain and heartache, but honestly, I could not control my anger and frustration. The feeling s of worthlessness just increased.

I had a shrink, but was an asshole, kept wanting me to talk about my life before I was adopted, "to bring out all the feelings of anger"

I think if there had been an award for jerking off I would have got first prize.

So there I was angry at the world, until my folks insisted I work at Mrs Lincoln's home for the summer to work off my anger and frustration.

Yes she certainly helped work off my problems alright. And I have never told any one in my family about my alternative lifestyle.

So, why was I sitting here, with Elliot, trying to decide, after all this time whether I should tell him.

Possibly two reasons; firstly, is my fear of being abandoned of being rejected by the people who profess to love me. Because once they knew the me and The Marquise De Sade had a lot in common. they surely would.

And the fact that I was having some very strange feelings about the blue eyed brunette who had fallen into my office last week. And they where giving me hope that, although I was denying the fact, I still wanted her to be my submissive, didn't I?


	3. Chapter 3

**Fifty bares his soul Jeangb. Elliot had always wondered; his world is about to rock when he learns the truth. **

I'm sorry I'm having to post this as new. But, for some reason, this new chapter would not post .kept coming up as chapter 2.

Well Thankyou all you reviewers and followers I'm amazed I really am. It encourages me to carry on knowing someone out there is actually reading this.

I'm trying to stay with the time line of the original story. But a lot of this story, because it is from Elliot's pov, is pure speculation. This chapter is a lot longer as I want to cover the general back ground, before Christian finally talks.

Characters and story belongs to EL James I am just borrowing for fun.

Chapter 3.

Elliot. POV.

I didn't pursue the line of conversation any further on that flight. I could tell he was upset at the way it was going and it was taking him out of his comfort zone. I mean who wants a bloody nose at 30.000ft.?

The next time I meet with Christian was when I phoned him to see when we could meet up as there was still some paperwork to sign to complete the deal we had made.

"What the hell are you doing in Portland? "

"Working of course; I'm overseeing a grant I'm making to WSU farming division, among other things." he said, off hand.

Of course ol' multi-billionaire mogul's pet ambition to feed the world.

"Well, we need to meet up to go over the paper work for that deal?"

"Sure, how about you come down here on Friday; we'll have dinner, hang out and finish up on the deal? Then, if you call in at Escala, and pick some boots and stuff for me, we could go hiking on Saturday, I could some fresh air"

"Sounds cool to me, late afternoon ok?"

"Yes that's fine I'll ring Mrs Jones and she'll get my stuff ready for you"

"OK, see you then. Laters!"

So Friday evening we are lounging about in Christian's suite at the Heathman Hotel. We've had dinner, completed the paperwork and now jackets, shoes and ties off we are watching baseball game on TV, groaning about what looks like another defeat.

Christian's phone has rung several times during the course of the evening and he deals with the calls succinctly, until, "Grey" see brief and to the point.

He suddenly, takes in a gasp,

"Anastasia?" his voice is suddenly softer, warmer.

"Are you ok? You sound odd"

Some chatter from the caller. Anastasia? Suddenly I'm all ears; Christian is talking to a _girl!_

"Have you been drinking? "More sharply, disapproving.

"Where are you? How are you getting home?"

More chatter.

"Where are you?" he is sounding more exasperated now, impatient.

"Which bar?" some giggling.

"I'm coming to get you, which bar?" She hangs up on him!

He is looking decidedly pissed now. He slips his shoes on and jacket, grabs his car keys and makes for the door Blackberry in hand.

You can bet I have my shoes and jacket on pretty sharply. If Christian is meeting up with a girl. I'm sure as hell gonna be there too. This I gotta see.

As we wait for the elevator to take us to the ground floor, He sends a text to Taylor to let him know he is going out and that he is with me so he'll be OK. Then he brings up an app on his phone and tracks the girl's cell and finds out which bar she is at. Then he calls her; it rings quite a while and when she picks up he just says he is coming to get her.

We exit the elevator and rush around to the car and climb into a black Audi SUV.

He is on the gas and we race down the road." Where are going?" I'm really curious now. Who's this that has got him all riled up? He ignores me.

"Who's Anastasia? Your girlfriend?"

"No," he's terse now but elaborates, "She's just a friend"

"A friend with benefits?" He just glowers at me.

Calm down Elliot, even gay guys have friends who are girls, don't they"

Christian drives like fool and would have only stopped at the red light because there was another vehicle in front,

When we get to the bar we leap out of the car and run inside.

It is noisy with thumping tecnobeat music, the loud chatter and laughter of dozens of students having an "exams are over hurrah! And lets get trashed party .the place is quite dimly lit but with flashing disco lights.

Christian stands and looks around at the kids trying to spot the girl. His face lights up with recognition then he starts to make his way through the throng to a group sitting at a table drinking Margaritas. He leans down and taps the shoulder of the most vivacious strawberry blond girl I think I've ever seen. She is gorgeous! WOW.

She turns and looks at Christian in total surprise, mouth gaping, her eyes wide. Leaning further down, he shouts in her ear. "Where is Anastasia?" she blinks at him and says something I can't hear. He rolls his eyes in exasperation and asks more firmly where Anastasia is. She waves her hand vaguely in the direction of a rear door.

Christian waves me over and shouts for me to stay with the girls while he fetches Anastasia as we will probably have to make sure they both get home. And I my friend am only too happy to oblige. He tells me that her name is Katherine and she is Anastasias room mate. Then he disappears out the back door and I cosy down with the delectable Katherine.

Some time later Kate and I are doing some pretty sexy moves on the dance floor, (Lordy me this girl is hot!) when Christian taps my arm. He is part dancing part holding, a lovely looking brunette around her waist. She pulls her self away and staggers over to Kate and yells that Christian is going to take home and was she coming too?

Kate looks at me and grins very cheekily shakes her head indicating that she wants to stay longer. I tell Christian that I will most likely see him later. He tells me to be safe and I give him, the "you too" look. He turns and dances off the floor with the girl in his arms again, as he reaches the edge Anastasia reels a bit then her knees give way, I have just heard Christians expletive"Fuck!" as he lifts her up into his arms and carries her out of the bar.

The next thing I hear from Christian is a text telling me to tell Katherine that Anastasia is safe and he has taken her back to The Heathman with him. I am quite pleased about that as it means I get to spend the night with the delectable Katherine Kavenaugh.

When Christian picks me up next day, I am interested to see how he interacts with Anastasia. He seems uneasy, hesitant and the look he gives me when I swing Ana, as she prefers to be called, in a hug is positively hostile. Just to show him how things are done I give Kate a long Hollywood style kiss. Ana blushes to her hair roots, and looks at Christian longingly. He looks down into her eyes and gently tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear stroking her face. She leans her head into his hand.

"I'll pick you up about eight?" she nods and he smiles "Laters" this for some reason makes her smile. She has a beautiful smile which lights up all her face and puts a sparkle into her deep blue eyes.

Ana is a beautiful girl with long mahogany brown hair. She looks so tiny at the side of us. We are both over six feet tall, but Ana must only be about five two or three at the most. I wondered if this is way Christian is protective of her.

When we are in the car and on our way for the hike we promised ourselves I can't help myself I need to know,

"Well bro' you get laid then?"

He scowls at me, "Course the girl passed out. You obviously though"

"Ah Christian, "I sigh I think I'm in love"

"Again!" he smirks. "Tell me about the delightful Kate"

"Only if you tell me about Ana."

"Nothing to tell, she came to interview me for the student newspaper, and I like her. But it's too early to say where this is going"

"But you're seeing her tonight. Where are you taking her?

"I thought I'd fly her to Seattle for dinner at my place"

"Why Seattle? Aren't there any places in Portland where you can take her?"

"Yes, but where else can I take her to have a nice meal and peace and quiet. You know what the press is like; the moment I'm seen in town they'll start hounding us and Anastasia won't have a minute's peace. It's not fair to put her through that"

And I have to agree with him. My brother is one of the wealthiest men in America, he is young and good looking, named by the media as Seattle's most eligible bachelor. S Those seeing him about town with a girl will bring them out in force. And Ana will be pounced upon.

"Still impressive; let me fly you in my helicopter."

"s'pose so." he smiles.

As we spend the day together hiking in the fresh air we are both thoughtful. Me mostly about my date tonight with Kate. I really, really like this girl differently to the many others I have been with.

Then as he drops me off at the Heathman, to get ready for tonight I have a naughty idea. I phone my mom.

That went down perfectly for me but not for Christian. Apparently, mom just about caught them in bed! God, he was pissed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

Elliot POV.

I didn't see or hear from Christian for the rest of that week. I had to go back to Seattle on Sunday evening because, unlike Christian my business cannot be worked by computer and Blackberry; I have to be on site. And I don't own a helicopter to take me there in fifty minutes. It takes nearly three hours by road.

I was really depressed at having to leave Kate as I really enjoyed her company and I think she enjoyed mine. But, it is not all bad she and Ana are moving to Seattle to live in the Pike Market area, at the weekend so we'll be able to see each other more as it is not too far from my apartment.

We kept in touch by phone, calling every evening to chat. It was good after a working day to have my mind taken off what was happening on site.

I was upset to hear that Ana seemed to be stressed and crying a bit. Kate thinks that Christian is a bit intense and that Ana really does not understand what he sees in her, but she has fallen big time for him. Apparently Ana thinks he is just using her as a plaything. He has been to see her a couple of times at their apartment and gone in her room. On Wednesday he met her at the hotel and they had dinner and when she got home Ana was upset and she had made up her mind she told Kate that she wouldn't see him again. Kate was really angry with him for toying with her feelings calling him "asshole".

I told Kate that as far as I knew this was the first girlfriend Christian had, had and perhaps he was feeling out of his depth too.

Christian has never showed much emotion, apart from anger. When ever any thing emotionally happens he puts on an impassive face and withdraws into himself.

When we were teens he was angry with everything and everyone all the time. He had a really hard time controlling his rage, that's why he got into so much trouble. He lost it one day, when I suggested he should get laid ;

"How the fuck do you think that's going to happen? I can't bare any one to get that close to touch me. Hell, I can just about tolerate Mia when I've time to prepare myself before she launches herself at me. But, if she touches my chest or back it feels like she is burning me and that's with clothes on. So how do you think I'm ever going to get that close to fuck?" he took a deep breath and said in a calmer tone "besides, I'm only fifteen too young in the eyes of the law.

I think then, that was the main coarse of his anger and frustration. I also realised that a lot of his problems stemmed from his early childhood. I know a little of what had happened in the time before was adopted, hell, I've seen the scars from the cigarette burns on his back and chest. So I understand to a degree of what subconsciously goes on in his mind.

I don't know what happened that summer, whether he came to terms with his phobia and somehow learned to control his temper, but he became more focused, but more with drawn into himself. He seemed to distance himself from us all. When we were all at home, except during meal times he stayed in his room, reading, doing homework, listening to music. If dad insisted he joined us in the family room, he didn't really join in the conversation. If asked anything he would shrug or his answer would be Môn symbolic. Or he would just sit at the piano and play. Boy, could he play; he is brilliant. Can read music and can also play by ear. He can play anything from a complex Ravel piece to jazz and rock and roll. My mom is so proud of him.

I remember, one Saturday evening, mom and dad were out. Mia was at a sleepover so there was just Christian and me in. I think this was one of the occasions when he was grounded and I had an assignment to finish for college. He was sat at the piano tinkling on the keys, and the tune morphed into, Rocking all over the world, I got my guitar and started playing with him, soon we were playing and singing all the songs we knew getting louder and louder. It would be getting on midnight as mom and dad came home, just as Christian started with, Hey Jude. As we were enjoying ourselves and getting on, the folks didn't say any thing. They finally called a halt after about fifteen minutes of la,la,la lala la la's, though. we were getting hoarse nearly choking with laughing, and dad was getting more and more pissed off and mom was trying not to laugh and join in.

Finally he starts to see the funny side and smiles broadly at us." Off to bed the pair of you"

And we go our arms around each others shoulders laughing fit to bust. I think this is one of the last times we did laugh together.

I went off to college to study engineering and construction so I didn't really see a lot of Christian except for high days and holidays. Even then Christian was out a lot. He had got himself on the rowing team, into track events and of course he loved kick boxing.

My mom had a mantra, musical instrument, language, martial art. Christian started playing piano at six, I took up guitar about the same time and Mia the cello as soon as she was big enough she didn't like the violin. I practice Judo, Christian kick boxing which is some way was a mistake as it made him lethal in a fight. Mia refused to do any more Karate when she was twelve; "how can a girl do karate in high heeled shoes?"


	5. Chapter 5

Again Thankyou so much for your reviews follows and favourites I feel really flattered

AN: This was meant to be all one chapter. But due to the intricacies of technology I don't under stand it would only publish half so with a bit of luck and tail wind you get one chapter split in two. Will gratefully accept any advice you can PM me

Chapter 5

Still Elliot.

But I digress. As I say I drove down to Portland on Friday evening to spend the night with Kate before helping the girls move into the condo in Seattle the next day. As I drive along I'm feeling excited at the thought of spending the night with Kate and this was becoming evident in a certain area of my pants too. As I park in the lot besides their apartment, I notice a brand spanking new, tomato red Audi A3 parked next to Kate's Mercedes.

As soon as kate opens the door I lift her in arms and carry her through to her bedroom calling hello to ana and a boy who where sitting on the floor staring at us in amazement.

Ana says "hi Elliot, bye Elliot, Jose and me are going to the bar for a drink".

And that was the last I saw of Ana the rest of the evening. Kate tells me that she and Christian patched things up last night. Not before they had, had an awful fight because Christian had bought Ana the Audi for graduation present after seeing her drive away from their dinner in an old VW Beetle. He had felt it to be unsafe he evidently spoke to Ana's dad when he meet up with him at the graduation ceremony on Thursday. Kate said that Christian had been determined to speak to Ana and had sent Kate to find her.

Kate had dinner with her parents and brother and later came home to find Ana in a state after Christian had been over with bottle of champagne and a new car. Later on they must have had some email chatter because Christian came back. Kate had given him a piece of her mind for upsetting her friend and told him, he was on her shit list and he'd better watch out. He spent the night with her and left for a breakfast meeting. Ana had gone to work her last day at Clayton's.

As I drove back to Seattle in my truck containing all of Kate's and Ana's belongings. I pondered on Christian's sudden change of behaviour.

All this business of staying in Portland is not just about grants to WSU and the graduation, it's an excuse to pursue Ana, isn't it? He buys her an expensive car, Kate also told me about a set of first edition books, a laptop and Blackberry, takes her out to dinner, and buys the best champagne. Apparently according the Kate he is behaving like a love sick teenager. And he is doing this all out in the open. Ana has met my mom; Christian has met with Ana's step dad. It's not like him to be so open; he is always aware of the paparazzi stalking him and doesn't like it. Has the world just turned on its axis what has brought this change about Christian, puppy love? Obsession? Could he possibly be in love an emotion hitherto unseen by any of us? And he obviously as found away around the "no touch" phobia.

No wonder Ana is overwhelmed by him. According to Kate she has never had a boyfriend and she is not used to the lavish attention and gifts he gives her.

I get the girls settled into the apartment Kate's dad has bought her. Then I have to get home to my parents house for a welcome home dinner for Mia who has flown in from Paris where she had been studying French cooking. That's why Christian couldn't help the girls move as he had promised to pick her up at the airport.

The dinner is a lively affair. Mia cross- questions Christian about Ana mercilessly; I can see him getting irritated by her. He finally cracks,

"For F- Pete's sake Mia let it go will you? Enough already!"

"Yes Mia, that's enough now." my mom interjects "If you are so anxious to know Kate and Anastasia, why don't we invite them over for dinner tomorrow."

"Ooh yes" Mia says exuberantly "Please, please Christian, Elliot. I mean Elliot has often brought girls home but you _never_ have Christian, Please "she looks appealingly at Christian and he scowls at her.

He runs his hand through his hair," I don't know how she will feel about that. You know this all very new….." and he is lost.

But it is decided. We have to invite Kate and Ana for dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks again for reading. I'm so pleased I managed to get the last chapters posted.

Thanks to E.L. James for giving me these characters to play with.

Chapter 6

As Christian and I leave our parents home, we stop to chat for a while.

"So how do you feel about bringing Ana for dinner tomorrow?" I ask tentatively.

"It'll be strange and I don't know how Anastasia will feel about it. She might be ok if she knows that Kate is coming too, sort of moral support."

"Kate says she is very shy"

"Mmm she is, so don't try and embarrass her if she does come will you?" He seems anxious.

I look at him speculatively. He seems different somehow perhaps not so self assured, vulnerable.

"Of course I won't, but Mia might. Are you ok? You seem a little bit off kilter."

"Come and sit in the car with me"

"Ok"

He points the key at his car and bleeps unlocked. It is a sleek black Audi R8 Spyder. And I know Christian loves it; next his helicopter I think it's his favourite toy.

We settle ourselves into the seats. For a while he sits there looking straight ahead, thinking. He turns the key in the ignition and presses some buttons on the consol. A piano piece is playing;

"Do you know what this piece is called?" he asks me quietly

"Yes, it's Phillip Glass's Metamorphosis. I've heard you play it"

"It helps me think and the five movement's suite my moods" I haven't a clue where he is going with this.

"Elliot, I'm in hell here. I-I don't know what I'm feeling for Anastasia and I'm a bit scared."

"Can you explain a bit?"

He sighs "you asked me on the plane, no told me on the plane, that you knew I wasn't gay"

"Yes, I remember. And you told me to mind my own business"

"Yes and I said that my sex life, or how I manage it would disgust you"

"I don't know that unless you tell me do I "

"Well I think it's time that I explained what I meant." he takes a deep breath.

I find that I'm holding my breath too.

"Go on I won't judge you."

"Well" he sighs "you know that I have problems with people touching me" I nod

"A few years a go I learned that there were women around who would stick to the boundaries, if you pain them enough. And you can imagine there are certain areas of my body where I don't mind being touched. But that has meant that what ever women I have had sex with there were no ties, no feelings, no commitment involved. I paid them to do a job, relieving me of my sexual needs. That's all"

"Hookers!" I'm amazed that he would be so careless.

"No, well yes I suppose, high class hookers, nothing off the street. They are booked through an agency "Escorts with benefits "you might say"

I really don't know what to say to him at this point.

"So what's your problem now? You've got a nice little girl friend who obviously knows your boundaries"

"We'll you see that's the problem. When I met her something happened to me. I couldn't get her out of my mind. So I said to myself, don't take offence, go on Grey do an Elliot fuck her and leave her."

"Thanks bro' "I say sarcastically, "So what happened?"

"So, having made my mind up I decided to fly down to Portland and go and see her, like on a date. I went to Claytons where she worked and on the pretext of buying something, I didn't even know what at the time I just wanted to see her again to see if I still felt the same, "he paused taking a deep breath

"Go on,"

"Well, I became breathless when she looked up at me from the checkout desk. She blushed, beet red, and said "Mr Grey" and for a second neither of us could say anything. I pulled myself together and we chatted, I bought some masking tape, that's all I could think of. Any way I asked her about the student news paper article she mentioned that Kate would have liked some photos. I don't know what came over me I told her I would do a photo shoot for them. Elliot, I don't do photo shoots!"

He was on a roll he had his arms on the steering wheel and his head on his arms. He sat up, rubbed his face with his hands and through his hair.

"So, I guess you did the shoot"

"Yes, at the Heathman, next morning. God, I kept catching her looking at me and every time our eyes meet she blushed. Well that really turned me on. So when the shoot was over I asked her to have coffee with me. Well I thought it's make or break time either fuck or a slap in the face. Stupid, .eh? Well all went well until I was walking her back to the car park and she tripped and nearly fell into the path of a cyclist, I grabbed her and next thing I know she is in my arms with a kiss me, kiss me look and I so wanted to; then the fog cleared. What was I doing? She wasn't just some cheap pickup for a one night stand. So, I told her that she should steer clear of me that I wasn't the man for her. She looked as if I had slapped her. I let her go and the rest as they say is history."

"And ever since you have more and more intense feelings for her, you can't get her out of your mind, feel lost when she is not there, dreaming a little. Feeling happy when she is with you?" he nodded, I put my hand on his shoulder, he stiffened but didn't shrug me off.

"Oh you poor smuck you're in love with her"

"Don't talk such fuckin' crap, I'm not capable of loving anyone I don't have that gene, I don't do hearts and flowers."

"And what if I told you that Ana is in love with you, would that make a difference?"

"Then she shouldn't no one should love me "

"Oh stop with pity party, you are such an adolescent at times. You put up barriers between me our folks, everyone all in the belief you are not worthy of us loving you. For fucks sake go and see Flynn perhaps he can make see how you are hiding in your past"

Christian looked at me his eyes wide "What are you a fuckin shrink now"

"No I'm not I'm your brother and I want to see you happy; you've got to give yourself a chance. Don't push Ana away, if you do you will love to regret it. I'm going home now, and if you don't come to dinner, with Ana, I'm gonna kick your ass. And as for the other stuff, in your position I probably would have done the same" and I climbed out of his car, into my own and drove away.

Christian POV.

I watched Elliot drive away and after a moment to gather myself together I followed him down the drive. I was so het up on the drive home I nearly crashed the fucking car on the I.5 to Seattle.

Phillip glass was still pounding through the speakers; a piece called Mad Rush. Its intense rhythm matching my mood. When I got back to Escala and parked the car I made my way in the elevator to my home. Taylor was there to meet me but seeing my face said nothing.

"run in the morning usual time. Er and I'll need to to drive Miss Steel and I to my parents for dinner tomorrow " I turned on my heel as he said "Very good ,sir" and when into my bed room and sat on the bed. Flopping back my head was in a spin.

What if Elliot was right, no Elliot a romantic fool. At least he seemed ok with my edited version of my true self. But that's not the reality of my life. Ana knows my true self, Ana knows about the BDSM life I live, lived until I met her that is. Did I want to give that up? Could I give that up? Compromise Ana said, could I have both worlds a submissive girlfriend? Perhaps I should talk to Flynn about this or perhaps Elena.

I get up off the bed and get ready for bed. I know I won't sleep so I go into the main room and to my piano and looking out over the dark skyline of Seattle. Just lights from the surrounding buildings relieving the darkness. Again I play Metamorphosis. It provokes my thoughts and feelings.

Having Flynn on one shoulder and Elena on the other was like having the devil on one side and an angel on the other and I couldn't decide which was which. What did I feel for ana? I really don't know. I know I feel at peace when she's there. When, on the odd times I've slept with her, I haven't had a nightmare. I've had really restful sleep waking up feeling good and relaxed.

And if she touches me on my naked chest, say during sex it's still painful but not as intense.

The girl has me spell bound and it's hard for me to name these feelings. I am beginning to feel that I can't let her go. Ok she knows about my life style, she has agreed to try. But even she doesn't know the true me what depths I have sunk to, to satisfy my needs. Only Flynn and Elena know that part of me.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks again for reading. I'm so pleased I managed to get the last chapter posted. No trouble this time Yippee I must be getting good.

Thanks to E.L. James for giving me these characters to play with.

A/N The music Christian plays can be bought/downloaded/ or listened to on You Tube if any one would like to hear it. Phillip Glass Metamorphosis 1-5. Or, Mad Rush also by Phillip Glass.

I used because I think the intensity reflects the turmoil Christian has going through his mind.

Chapter 7.

Elliot.

By the time I get home my head is reeling with Christian's revelation. Escorts with benefits he called them. Well that explains a lot. At least he isn't gay. Not that I really thought he was. When on occasions he and I had been on a night out together, for a meal or just a drink in a bar, I've seen him in unguarded moments and there are physical reactions you can't control no matter how impassive you can keep your face. Your breathing changes, your pupils dilate when you are attracted to the opposite sex; and as adept as Christian is at dropping his eyelids or focusing on something else there are times when I have seen the mask slip when a pretty girl enters the scene.

I have never seen him make a pass not even a smile at girl; in fact he can be positively rude if they come on to him. He _is _an attractive guy and women get flustered when he enters a room. I've told him that it's quite unfair not to give them a smile. He says he is not interested and he can't help having a pretty face. "Am I getting in your way, spoiling your chances?" He asked.

Deep down, I felt that there was more to his story, but he was only giving me part of the real Christian so he could voice his feelings about Ana.

What ever relationships he had in the past they had been emotionless and noncommittal. No strings attached a means to relive sexual needs, nothing else. So, his feelings for Ana must be confusing to him.

Christian's teenage years, weren't typical, when normally, like me he should be exploring his sexuality; making out at the back of the gym, in cars, or at a drive in, he couldn't do that because of his phobia. There are deeper seated fears with Christian I'm sure. I think are more deeply rooted in his early years before his adoption. Perhaps the fear of abandonment is the true reason he closes himself off from us all. I really don't know because I don't know the whole story. If I had, had his problems I have to say I probably done the same thing. Hang on; what did he do before he had the sort of money to pay these Escorts with benefits? Like the years at school, collage and at Harvard? What did he do then?

I have a feeling something happened when he was fifteen; he changed in that year. What happened? He went to work for Elena Lincoln! Don't be stupid Elliot, what are you thinking?

I phone Kate before I go to bed to see how she and Ana are doing in their new apartment. She asks me how the dinner was with my folks;

"We had a good laugh at Christian's expense, Mia was plaguing him to death about Ana, drove him mad. He had to tell her to shut up in the end. You know, Kate he is really into her, I think he has fallen for her in a big way he just won't admit it."

"Do you think so?" Kate sounds incredulous.

"Yes, when Mia asked what she was like, he had a little smile on his face and he sort off melted when he told her she was sweet and yes lovely to look at. So there looks to be hope for him yet. By the way, mom and dad have invited us all round to dinner tomorrow I said yes for you and me, is that ok?"

"Oh yes I'd love to meet your parents and Mia. But I don't know about Ana. I think she is going over to have lunch with Christian. She won't want to be too late though she has interviews for internships at two publishing houses. And I don't want a late night either, Elliot Grey, I have to go and make an appearance at my new job too "

"What do you mean Katherine Kavanaugh, surly you won't deny me of your company for the last night before you fly away to Barbados" say sexily.

"Why will you miss me?" she whispers

"You have no idea how much I'm gonna miss you babe" I find I really mean this I get a knot in my stomach at the thought of her not being there. What have these two little graduates done to The Grey Boys that we are both so enamoured of them?

"You could always come with us." she says suggestively.

"No I wouldn't want to impose on your family holiday. Your mom and dad might object to my playing around with their daughter and Ethan might want to beat me up if I get in your bed" I laugh.

"Oh they wouldn't mind, I'm all grown up now you know. Please I'd like you to come with me"

"Are you all grown up Kate, you seem very young to me"

"Phooy!" she retorts "Age doesn't matter I want to be with you Elliot I really do, please come with us "

"I'll think about it. I'll have to see how the building we're working on is doing, but I think they can manage without me. How long are you going for?"

"Twelve days, I have two weeks leave from my job; I don't really start my internship until the 20th of June. But I need to be back on Friday the 17th to unpack, unwind and psych my self up for Monday."

I ponder the idea of going away with Kate more seriously the next day. I give my works manager a call to see how things are going on site. Yes, all is well. I call Kate and ask what flight they are on and manage to book a ticket on line, Elliot is going on holiday with his girl!

We arrive at my parents home before Christian and Ana and true to form Mia is all over Kate like a rash.

My sister is very gregarious, open and boy can she talk. It seems at times she forgets to breathe. Christian actually put his hand over her mouth to shut her up last night. She is full of questions for Kate, about her likes and dislikes in music, clothes, does she like shopping can they hang out at the mall.

"For goodness sake Mia settle down." my mom says exasperated, "I'm sorry Kate, she loses her brain to mouth filter sometimes"

"That's alright Dr Trevelyan, I'm eager to get to know her too"

Mia, not to be thwarted went on to ask about Ana. Kate told. Her Ana was kind of quiet and shy and they had shared an apartment for four years.

My dad asks how my building work is going. I tell fine we are on quiet period at the moment. But that I have contracts to start in the fall so I'm good. So good in fact, that I am going on holiday to Barbados with Kate and her family. My dad raises his eyebrows, but before he can say anything, we hear Christian's car pull up outside.

My mom and dad go to the door to greet them I can here the low rumble of their greetings and introductions.

"Is she here?" Mia screams and goes charging out into the hall.

"Poor Ana, she'll die" whispers Kate taking a drink from her champagne flute.

As they come in the lounge I get up to greet them. Mia is holding on to Ana's hand and looking at her disbelievingly "he's never brought a girl home; it's so lovely to meet you."

Poor kid looks terrified, blushing.

"Hello Ana" I say gently giving her a big hug. Christian glowers at me and puts his arm around her waist pulling her to his side, possessively; what jealous bro?

Kate gives her a hug too scowling at Christian.

As the evening progresses I can sense there is some tension between them both. It started when my dad asked Ana if she was taking a vacation too like Kate and I.

"I'm thinking of going down to Georgia for a few days" She replies

Christian looked like thunder "Georgia?" he obviously didn't know about this

"Yes, my mother lives there; it's been a while and I thought I'd take a trip before I started working"

Seeing Christian's scowl Kate pipes up cuttingly, "Ana deserves a break" I give her a shut now look as I can see that she is antagonising Christian and making Ana uncomfortable.

As we go to the dining room for dinner I see him take Ana's arm pulling her back and speaking softly to her, she looks scared for some reason.

Things settle down as we eat and the conversation is flowing. Mia asks Christian how he and Ana meet and he tells her how Ana had come to interview him. Then Mia and Kate talk about Kate's involvement in the student newspaper. I see Ana whispering something to Christian and he answers but doesn't look too pleased.

Kate interferes "What are you two whispering about?" Christian gives her a "But out" look. Then Kate drops a bomb shell "How was Jose when you went to the bar the other night?"

Ana's eyes open wide and she turns pale, mumbling," he was ok" and really thought Christian was going to loose it. He says something I can't hear and I know Kate has ousted Ana with something she didn't want Christian to know. I give Kate a kick under the table. I whisper to Kate' "Stop stirring up mischief what's up with you, are trying to make trouble between them?" Kate just shrugs and I think that will have to talk to her and tell her to back off.

I plan to do that in the boat house later.

The rest of the meal goes pleasantly enough and Christian relaxes joining in the conversation. We all laugh at Mia when she lapses into fluent French. Christian in equally fluent French tells her what we are all laughing at.

I notice Ana is very quiet taking everything in, but she seems nervous too, is she expecting a fight with Christian over Kate's revelation, I really hope not. I can imagine Christian, hell he even gets jealous when _I _give Ana a hug I can imagine what he would be like if he thought there was another guy on the scene. Oh yes Christian you _are _in love with the girl even if you won't admit to yourself.

We are all seeing a side of Christian that none of us have seen before. Relaxed and happy despite the tension between him and Ana. Mom and dad obviously like her; Mia is over the moon. I am so happy for him and Kate needs to stop making waves.

As we finish dinner dad, Christian and I start talking about my building project that Christian helped me procure.

Suddenly, Christian stands and puts his hand on Ana's elbow, "Come let me show you the grounds" he says gently and off they go.

Now I can see the outside from where I'm sitting, dad has is back to the window, Kate and Mia are chattering away, Mom is making coffee; so only I notice what's happening outside.

I see Christian holding Ana around her waist as they walk across the patio to the lawn, he turns and bends slightly to talk to Ana; as he does, he sees me through the window and winks at me. As they start walking on the grass it is evident that Ana is having difficulty walking in her shoes, Christian stoops down and without more ado picks Ana up over his shoulder, gives her a slap on her ass, then, he waves his hand at me giving me the finger. And, I know, the bastard is taking her to the boat house. He knows I take my girl friends there for a quick fuck, and the SOB has beaten me to it. This is pay back time for me sending mom over to his apartment!

Something I thought I'd never see, my stiff, introverted little brother beating me to the boathouse.

A/N. So, how am I doing, am I rambling too much? Trust me I am going for the big reveal but I wanted to give you an insight of what Elliot thinks during the early days as he sees a different side of Christian. Review, review please.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thankyou all you reviewers, favourites, and followers. One of the reasons I decided to do this is because I don't sleep well so I write this every night. That's why I'm able to update regularly and as I seem to be on a roll with it I'll just carry on. I just hope I don't writers block.**

**Chapter 8.**

He beat me to the boat house, little shit. So I am not unhappy when Mia sets off to look for them when Kate and I decide to leave. Serve him right. Is he bothered? Not in the slightest. He just looks so pleased with himself smirking at me. I see Ana whispering furiously to Kate who just gives her a big grin. We all say our goodbyes mom and dad hug Kate and Ana telling them they should come again and that they've enjoyed having them over. Ana looks a little overwhelmed at all the fuss she is getting. As we are leaving for Barbados on Tuesday we won't see them for a while.

"You really ought not to antagonise Christian, Kate" I say as we are driving home.

"He needs antagonising," she snaps "poor Ana doesn't know where she stands with him. She has been so up and down since meet him. He is such a control freak with commitment issues."

"So you were trying to make him jealous when you dropped her in it with Jose"

"Yes, I was trying to make him understand that he needs to tell Ana where she stands"

"Yes, and make him angry with Ana. I just hope that they don't fight about it after your meddling" I retort. "Ana probably knows how jealous he gets so she didn't want to make waves by telling him; don't you see? She was trying to avoid a fight and you, her so called friend, drop her right in it. Stop interfering. "I tell her angrily.

"Oh Elliot, stop being so protective of your little brother. You know he's a stuck up control freak"

I am really angry with Kate now she just does not understand why Christian is like he is. I sigh trying to calm down, I don't want to argue.

"Listen Kate, you don't understand about him he has issues that he hasn't ever come to terms with. He hides his feelings behind a barrier, which makes him, appear cold and stiff; deep down he faces demons all the time"

Kate turns in her seat so she can look at me "What do you mean by that? What issues?" her journalist antenna kicking in.

I think of what I aught to tell her as I'm not sure what Christian has revealed to Ana.

"If I tell you, you must promise that you don't tell Ana, and let Christian tell her in his own good time"

She looks warily at me, "Is it bad?"

"Yes but it's nothing that will cause her any harm"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"I promise then; especially if it will help me understand him better"

"Well you know all three of us are adopted", She nods "Well Mia and I were adopted very young so Carrick and Grace have always been our mom and dad. Christian however, wasn't adopted until he was nearly five. And he remembers things about his childhood; not very good things. I first saw him in hospital. Mom had taken me there to meet him and to play with him. She had already made her mind up that they where going to adopt him so she thought that it would be good for us to meet." I pull off the road, I can't talk about this while I am driving, and it's too hard for me as the memories come back. Kate unbuckles her seat belt and turns to face me resting her hand on my shoulder. She looks at me intently trying to gauge my feeling. ! Go on" she says softly.

"Well I was quite exited at getting a little brother to play with but I was shocked when I first saw him. He was like a wild thing; skin and bones, his eyes wide with fear. His chest and back were covered in bandages and he had bruises all on his arms and on his face. He cowered right at the top of the bed clutching a dirty blue blanket. When he saw my mom he relaxed a little and managed a small smile. She reached out to touch his head, to reassure him, he shrunk away terrified.

She spoke to him very softly, and he relaxed again. But his eyes were style wide with rear. Mom told him who I was and that she had brought me to play with him and have lunch with him. I'd taken some cars, Lego bricks and some book for us to look at. He didn't seem to know what they were for. I showed how the Lego went together and drove the cars around his bed. And after a while he took one of the cars and ran it around where he was sitting and he smiled at me. We played for a while I was talking away to him but he didn't reply. I asked mom why he didn't talk and she said she would tell me later as it was lunch time. As soon as Christian saw the food cars and every thing was forgotten. Mom got an over bed table and as soon as he saw the food he attacked it with his hands stuffing it into his mouth, making an awful mess. Mom tried to stop him and give him a fork to eat with. His face turned red and he roared, he threw the fork across the room and tipped his food on the bed. And then he just screamed and tried to tear his bandages off he was in such a rage. My dad arrived then and took me to the café to eat. Just as we were leaving I heard mom say firmly "Christian Summers, stop that at once"

I asked dad what was the matter with him and he told me that Christian hadn't been looked after very well and his mom had died."

"Oh Elliot how awful," Kate rubbed my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. I was pretty upset by now and her touch was soothing it gave me the strength to carry on.

" I later learned, that Christians mother was an crack addict, and a prostitute, she had died from an overdose, and Christian had been left, locked in her apartment for four days no food, no heat, he could just manage to climb on a chair to get himself a drink from the faucet at the kitchen sink. At some point either his mom or one of her pimps had put cigarettes out on Christian's chest and back. The last words he spoke were when a police officer picked him up then he shouted for his mommy. He didn't speak again for two years. But he had one hellava temper; he would hit out and stamp his feet screaming when he couldn't get his own way. And the nightmares were terrible to hear."

"Christ!" Said Kate appalled

"Lets get home" I say "I need a drink and I've more to tell you"

"Do you want me to drive?"

"No honey I'm ok, but will you stay with me tonight?"

"Where else would I be?"

And so I drive us home. We get into sweat pants and tee shirts for comfort .and settle down on the couch with a bottle of wine. And I continue.

"So , although his childhood Christian had trouble controlling his temper, especially if things weren't going his way, if he felt out of control. He couldn't bear to be touched; he's ok with his arms and head but only if he knows that person. Mom is quite sad that she was never able to hold him when he was having his nightmares she would just stroke his head. Mia is able to touch him on his chest, over his shirt, but he doesn't see her as a threat. Ever since she came to us as a baby he has been protective of her and of course when she was tiny her hands were everywhere. His first words were "Mia is crying".

In his teens he was an absolute nightmare, fighting, getting into trouble at school smart mouthing teachers he was expelled twice and in detention at least twice a week. An absolute pain in the ass; mom and dad where seriously considering enrolling him in the marines where the discipline was severe. But, when he was fifteen, he quite suddenly changed he became more controlled and settled down at school, he took up rowing and track events. He started to work out every day, he was already, learning to kick box. These activities, help get rid of his pent up energy and I think sexual frustration. But he became more of a loner, he put up a barrier and not even mom could get close to him.

He went to Harvard when he was eighteen and we saw very little of him. When we did see him during vacation he was more distant than ever. He was polite and was always happy to be home. He and I would hike and fish together and we were very competitive. We loved going to Aspen skiing and hiking. All of us had a great time, but Christian still seemed distant from us. Are you bored with this?"

"No, it's fascinating. So, how did he become Mr Mogul?" Kate snuggles closer to me Mmm that's nice

"Well much to my dad's disgust he arrived home one day mid-term and announced that he had dropped out. My dad went nuts and they had a hellava fight ending with Christian walking out of the house and dad cutting him off.

Well not to see him stuck I offered him a bed at my place so, he moved in with me. And do you know Kate he worked like a maniac, he found a small electronics company that was failing and, don't ask me where he got the money, he bought it out. He worked nineteen, twenty hours a day. Hardly slept, ran through the streets at night when he couldn't sleep. And within six months he had turned the company around, sacked the board of directors and made his first million. You would have thought dad would be proud and he was privately but he still held it against Christian for dropping out. Within four years, Christian owned at least six more companies, moved into Escala, and contracted me to build Grey House, had a helicopter, his pilots licence and at least two Audi's an R8 and SUV's and was worth 3.5 Billion.

My dad thought he was into something shady, but he had been investigated by the FBI, The IRS. And the CIA and he is squeaky clean. He got so many threats that he had to start hiring security. That's where Taylor comes in.

But he has to have complete control over his life; he never gets emotionally involved and even now is remote from us all. He still is a workaholic. I think Kate, that because he didn't have control of his life when he was small and because his mom, he feels she didn't love him enough to protect and care for him. He doesn't understand why mom, dad, I and Mia can love him. In short, he feels unworthy of that love. He has never had an emotional feeling in his life, apart from anger at the world. So that now that he has found Ana and feels something for her he is scared to death that somebody will take her or she will go away, abandon him like his mom did. Oh he loves us too but his deep rooted fear of being abandon doesn't allow him to express those feelings. So he has to have total control to exist."

Kate is speechless. She wraps her arms around me "Poor fucked up bastard" she whispers

"At least fifty shades" I say. We quietly sit for a while, drinking the wine contemplating.

"Let's go to bed" she says and I am all to ready to agree.

A/N Wow that took some writing, enjoy and review.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thankyou all you reviewers, favourites, and followers it's great that you are happy with my tale. **

**Chapter 9.**

Christian.

"Good afternoon Christian, how are you today?"

"Hello John. I'm quite not sure how I feel today" I shake his hand and directs me to the winged chair to sitdown, he takes a seat opposite, crosses his legs, notepad on knee, he gives me his full attention.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Really, do they teach this line in therapy school 101? That why I'm here isn't it?

"I really don't know where to start on this John "

"What's happened to you, more nightmares?"

"No, less if anything," I hesitate, close my eyes gathering my thoughts. I'm not really sure where to begin. John Flynn knows all my about my lifestyle and more about me than almost any one else I know.

"I've meet this girl."

He raises his eyebrows," A new submissive?"

"No not yet but I'm hoping"

"She's not into the scene?" this has him curious.

"She, err, considering it. She is not very experienced, doesn't really understand what a Dom/Sub relationship is"

I have been seeing John Flynn about two years now and he is the best therapist I've ever had. In these two years I have never been able to shock him no matter what he has learned about me.

He is British, and he has a calm understanding. He is also a very good listener and what ever advice he has given me has made sense. Even if I've just come in and raged at him he has kept his quiet demeanour. He has managed to put so many aspects of my early life into perspective. But he has never been able to convince me that I don't need the BDSM element and have a normal relationship with a woman. I need the control it gives me, plus it allows me to punish and fuck little brown haired girls at my demand.

He looks surprised now he sits forward in his chair; full attention now.

"Tell me about her"

I tell him how she had come to my office to do an interview; "since then I haven't been able to get her out of my head, John, I'm turning into a fuckin' stalker,"

"How do you mean?"

"Well I was intrigued, I wanted to know more about her so, I had a background check done. That took three days and in all those three days I could not stop thinking about her and how lovely she was. I'd drift off during meetings thinking about her eyes, she has the most amazing blue eyes, her quiet, shy manner, and the way she would blush. I'd dream about how it could be to have her in my playroom."

"So you were attracted to her in a way you do not usually get attracted to your submissive? Is that what you are saying Christian?"

"I guess so. I'm filled with anticipation when there is a new one on the cards; but I don't sit about day dreaming about them especially when I'm working. With Anastasia it's different."

"What a lovely name"

"A lovely name for a lovely girl" I mutter.

"What did you do with the information you got from your background check?"

"I sat on until the end of the week, by then, I thought if I saw her again I could possibly forget about her. On the Saturday I flew down to Portland and went to see her at the hardware store where she works part-time."

"Only part time?"

"Yes, she is a student at WSU, majoring in English Literature. She had come in stead of the editor of the student magazine, who was supposed to do the interview, but was ill."

"I see go on" oh he's really intrigued now

"And there she was, just as I remembered her, petite, brunette and those amazing eyes. Lovely.

On the pretext of dropping in as I was passing so to speak, I bought a few things just so I could talk to her, Christ! She was shy, I was aroused but I knew I didn't have a hope in hell she would be interested in what I had to offer. Anyway, the conversation got around to the magazine article and she said it was coming on fine; the only thing Kate would have liked was some photograph of me. And, for some strange reason, I offered to do a photo shoot… She gave me the most beautiful smile that lit up her face. So, I made my up my mind and agreed to do the shoot the next day."

"That is not like you. You do not like publicity photographs. Who is Kate?"

"Kate is her room mate and editor of the magazine. And, no I don't do photo shoots. I thought if I did the shoot I would maybe get to talk to her again."

"So, I gather you did the shoot, did you speak to her again?"

I went on to tell him how after the photo shoot I asked Anastasia to have coffee with me. How on the way back to the hotel she had tripped and how I had caught her. How I really did want to kiss her but came to my senses.

"Come to your senses how? What did you say to her?" John looks puzzled.

"Oh come on John, she is an innocent as far as the scene goes; how could I tarnish her with that? I told her she should stay clear of me and that I wasn't the man for her. What I should have said was I wasn't the right man for her."

"How did she react to that?"

"Well to be honest, she looked as if I had slapped her."

"I bet she did. She probably thought you felt she wasn't good enough for you"

"It wasn't that, I'm too messed up to be with a girl like that, I don't do hearts and flowers. I'm just not capable to be in a relationship like that, you know that"

"Only because you won't give yourself a chance" hell he has said this ad nauseam.

"It's too late for me John I'm too set in my ways"

John scoffs at me "You sound like an old man of eighty seven instead of a young man of twenty seven. The reason is you don't want to change because you are scared of loosing control!"

"John I know what works for me why should I change?"

"Because, you _are _capable of having a normal loving relationship, whether you know it or not. But you would rather stagnate in your lonely shell growing more and more embittered rather than take the chance. So I assume you left it at that with Anastasia."

"No, I made my mind up to not think of her again, but I couldn't. I think Taylor was getting ready to ring up the agency himself and get me a new sub before the staff lynched me."

"A bit irate were you?" He said raising an eyebrow.

"Understatement John. By Wednesday, I had decided she needed an apology. I found some first editions of Tess of the D'urbervilles on line and sent them to her with a quote from the book."

"And which quote was that Christian?" he asked sardonically.

"Why didn't you tell me there was danger? Why didn't you warn me? Ladies know what to guard against because they read novels that tell them of these tricks". "I think Tess asks this of her mother."

"Don't you think that is a bit cryptic?" John asks

"Not really Anastasia reads English classics; she would know what the quote means. Anyway, I decided to fly down to Portland on Friday and have a meeting with the farming division at WSU and settle the details of the grant I'm giving them. I Got Taylor to book me a suite at the Heathman again with the intension of staying the weekend, meeting up with Elliot and maybe go hiking with him on Saturday."

"Of course you had no intension of seeing Anastasia?" Oh boy he's really getting sarcastic now.

"Not consciously no." liar Grey.

"But,?"

"But, she drunk dialled me, from a bar. And to cut a long story short I took her back to the Heathman."

"Christian! "

"Oh I didn't touch her just put her to bed to let her sleep it off, she literally passed out. But as I watched her sleeping I had a warm feeling she looked so beautiful and I felt very protective of her. Eventually I lay down with her, and do you know John? I had the most restful night's sleep I think I've ever had in my life."

John makes a note of this and I know we will discuss this at a later date.

I told him of our conversation the next morning, well a shortened version. How she had asked why I had sent her the books, I had told her that they were by way of an explanation of why I was no good for her; but how I couldn't stay away.

"Don't then "she had said blushing and biting her bottom lip. That really turned me on big time and I asked her to stop.

"Why?"

"Because I want to bit it"

"Why don't you then" she replied flirtatiously

I told her that she would have to sign some paperwork before I would touch her. And she agreed to come to dinner that evening at Escala. But when we were in the elevator I couldn't resist any longer and I kissed her. It made my toes curl, and I could barely breathe.

I carried on and told him about I had shown her my play room.

"What did she think did she want to leave?"

"She was shocked but more curious than frightened I think. She asked me why she and I told her she did thing for me and I'd like her to share them with her. Then she shocked me!"

"How?"

"Well I was showing her the contract hard and soft limits and she didn't bat an eyelid. But when I asked her what her limits were she said she didn't know and that she was a virgin!"

"So did you take her home then? I know you don't do vanilla sex" John is looking amazed.

"I asked if she wanted to leave but she said no. then I figured that she had come with me tonight with the intension of loosing her virginity and she had decided that I should be the one."

So, you took her in your play room"

"Give me some credit John, no I thought that if she had chosen me as her first that I should make it as pleasurable as possible. Give her a good experience then I could gently lead her to the other aspects of being a submissive."

"And she agreed to that, she was happy?"

"Yes, and do you know John? I think it was the best fuck I have ever had!" Now I have shocked him the incredulous look on is face makes me grin. A first I think.

"So she is your submissive now?"

"No, we haven't signed a contract. And that's why I am so confused."

"What's so confusing, it's what you want isn't? A nice little submissive to train to your particular ways and needs?"

"It's the way I feel about her. One part of me wants her to be a submissive. On the other hand I like the way she stands up to me and quite frankly I don't think she has a submissive bone in her body. But, I don't want to give her up I want to be with her all the time. She has gone to see her mother in Georgia, to think things over she says, but I'm out of my mind thinking that she is leaving me and if she does, I don't know if I will be able to move on, and get over this obsession for her."

"Christian, Christian don't you see it? "

"See what?"

"You have fallen in love with this girl!" he practically shouts at me

"For fuck's sake not you as well you sound like Elliot. I HAVE NOT FALLEN IN LOVE!" I shout back. "I don't do love I am incapable of loving anyone. Love is for fools"

"Just listen to me Christian Grey," he says firmly "That is Elena's doctrine, she has brainwashed you into thinking that the only way you can exist is to live the alternative life style she taught you when you were a vulnerable, impressionable teenager. You changed roles, you no longer have any sexual relationship with her, however, you do still see and talk with her and she still influences your thinking she has programmed you to do so. Believe me Christian; you are capable of making changes in your life of only you are brave enough to take the step. Don't I beg of you, loose this opportunity to find love and happiness with a girl who obviously cares about you? Why else do think she lost her virginity to you, knowing about your predilections. She is a brave girl. How do you think she will feel about your more extreme tendencies, I take you haven't shown her what you can do with your belt, your whips, your canes? Seeing how you are giving a gentle introduction into the fine art of BDSM. Do you think she will be happy with the pain you inflict on her.?"

I lean forwards putting my elbow on my knees and run my hands over my face and into my hair.

"I don't know that's partly why she has gone away to think, it is one aspect that she cannot get a grasp on. And I don't think I can do without it."

"Well, Christian, you could try for her like she is trying for you" he says more gently now

"John, I'm a sadist I can never get away from that"

John is exasperated now "Christian, you are not a sadist, if you were you would have no conscience about inflicting pain on this girl in fact you would have ignored her feelings altogether just to derive your own pleasure. Sexual sadism is not a disease, in your case it's a programmed way of life, which can be changed. Think about it think about it hard Christian, for your sake and for Anastasia's.

A/N That was heavy going I hope it's not too boring, review, review please, and thanks to all


	10. Chapter 10

**Thankyou all you reviewers, favourites, and followers it's great that you are happy with my tale. **

**Please be patient for the big reveal. If you remember in the books Christian is in a lot of denial. He doesn't think him capable of love all those notions had been beaten out of him by Elena. So, it is a rite of passage before Christian feels he can open up to anyone about his life style. I'm just trying to show how the changes in his life affect his equilibrium and how Elliot sees the subtle changes in him. **

**Chapter 10.**

As I leave John's office I feel more confused than ever. I get into my car and drive down to the marina where my boat is moored. On board I sit on the deck over looking Puget Sound. And there I tried to make sense of my emotions. Emotions that I had never felt before.

I thought I wanted Anastasia, as my submissive, plain and simple. A contractual relationship between two sane adults with hard and soft limits clearly defined and a set of rules that must be followed to the letter. No strings attached. That's the way I've lived my life for the past seven years. I have never wanted "More" if the subs showed any interest in wanting more the contract ended. I never felt anything for the girl; she was an employee, there to do a job and nothing more.

But there is Anastasia Steel, naïve, inexperienced innocent. Yesterday I wanted to forbid her going to Georgia but we have not signed the contract so I couldn't, I wasn't her Dom I had no right to do that.

As we talked in the morning I was mentally pleading with her to change her mind. When we finally kissed goodbye I became choked up, there was a tightening in my chest and stomach and my heart was racing I held on to her for ages not wanting to let her go. Ever since, I have been filled with anxiety, I feel so tense and last night I had the reoccurring nightmare first one since that first night at the Heathman when we slept in the same bed.

Both John and Elliot tell me I'm in love with her. I cannot accept that, I don't deserve love. I can't deserve love can I? My birth mother didn't love me or other wise she would have cared and protected me from the pimp who kicked me, beat me with his belt and took great pleasure in putting out his cigarettes on my chest and back. I relive that period time and time again in my nightmares.

I remember the first Christmas after being adopted.

Elliot was so exited that Santa was coming soon. Now I'd heard about him, seen him in shop windows. I have a vague memory of my mother telling me I had to be good because Santa didn't come to bad boys; I must have been very bad because he didn't come to me. So when Elliot was going on about what Santa was going to bring him, I had no expectations because I was bad, very bad I must have been because my mother had left me.

My new mom and dad couldn't have known though, because Santa brought me presents that year and every year after that. So I did my best to please them in those early years because I was bad and I didn't want them to know.

I know to this day that they care for me but I don't see how they can love me.

I am terrified of loosing Anastasia, she makes me feel whole. But, the beast in me still wants the sort of relationship I live my life by; Dominant/ Submissive. I don't see that I can live without the control over her mind and her body. But at this moment in time I just want to hold her in my arms and put up with her smart mouth and her defiance of all my rules. Love? I don't know.

My phone rings its Taylor, my personal security operative to give him his full title. Bodyguard in other words. He does his job well, and he has become not only my bodyguard but general factotum as well. I haven't told him where I am and he expected me back at the office after seeing John Flynn, and he's checking up on me, dam him, he can track my car he knows where I am. Honestly it like having an over anxious parent at times.

"I'm on my way back" I tell him tartly.

When I get back in my office I can't focus on work at all. Barney Sullivan, my IT geek, tries to tell me about his progress with a wind up mobile phone he's developing, but I don't take anything in that he is telling me.

My blackberry rings I sigh, do I really want to talk to her just now?

"Elena,"

"Well hello to you too Christian, how are you, I haven't heard from you in a while" She purrs down the phone.

"I've been busy. What do you want?"

"Oh what's biting you today? "

"Get to the point Elena; I've things to do" I know I sound really off hand and it pisses her off and she tries her Dom card.

"Now Christian, where are your manners," she speaks sharply.

Fuck you Elena, that don't work no more. Go work on Isaac. I roll my eyes exasperated

"Ok, what can I do for you, mistress?" Hey this feels good, 'cos I know, she knows I'm being sarcastic.

"Fine, "She says backing off," I wondered if we could meet for dinner sometime. I'd like you to look over the figures for the new salon."

I ponder this, why not? It will help to fill an empty evening, maybe share my thoughts about Anastasia. She has always been there, as a friend someone to talk to, vetted my subs.

"How about this evening I just happen to be free?"

"Lovely, usual place about eight?"

"Sure, that's fine. See you then" and I press the end button. Yeah, perhaps she can put things in perspective for me.

At eight, I am sitting at the table of the chic, but discreet, restaurant in down town Seattle. I have a glass of white wine in front of me; I'm playing with the stem of the glass rolling it around in my fingers as Elena walks in. Elena is at least twenty years older than me but she doesn't look a day over thirty five. I know however that she has been under the surgeons knife once or twice, but I have to admit she looks good; tall, blond, dressed entirely in black she strikes an imposing figure.

I stand and greet her with a kiss on the cheek.

She looks at me keenly, "Are you alright? You look a little disturbed"

"I'm fine how have you been keeping?"

"Very well the salons are doing well. I think you will be impressed with the P and L readings"

"I'll look them over, before we leave. I ordered dinner for us; shall I pour you a glass of wine?"

"Thankyou. You really seem out of sorts. Is it time you got yourself a new sub? It's been what three months since Susanna left. Such a shame I really thought she had potential"

"I'm ok I don't need a sub."

"Oh, come on Christian, I know what you are like, when you don't get your needs attended to."

"But I am getting my "needs" as you call them attended to" I say positively

"I thought you said you hadn't got a sub" I watch her face judging her reaction,

"I have a girl in training"

Elena eyes open wide with amazement or is it disbelief?

"You! Training a sub!"

"Why not? I had a good teacher why shouldn't I pass the experience on?"

"Is she into the scene does she have any experience at all?"

"No and no. she is what you call a raw recruit"

"So, have you caned her yet, shown her what to expect?" she asked sharply.

"No I thought I would go for a softer approach and work up slowly to the hard core stuff" I state smugly

"Oh, really and is that working? Who is she anyway?" curiosity getting the better of her, "Maybe I should meet her, explain what your needs are. Where did you meet her?"

"I meet her when she came to my office to do an interview for the student news paper and we were sort off attracted to one another."

"A student! How young."

"Not a student she has just graduated, she is twenty one nearly twenty two." I'm quite enjoying myself looking at Elena's shocked expression. "Not very experienced sexually she was a virgin actually. that's why I'm taking things slowly"

Elena is speechless for a moment.

"You had vanilla sex with a virgin! Are you sure girls, can pretend you know. Are you sure she is not just a little gold digger"

I'm getting pissed now.

"For fucks sake give me some credit, Elena, I'm not that stupid. Of course she was a virgin and I can't get her to accept a single gift without a fight, she hasn't asked me for a thing. So no, I don't think she is a gold digger and I would appreciate it if you didn't give her that title? "

"Well how is the training going then?"

"To be honest, I don't think she is cut out to be a sub, it really isn't her nature. Though at first sight I thought she was, she is very shy but not submissive at all.

"Is she the usual slim brunette?

"Yes, but there's something about her that calls to me on a different plane, I actually like her very much; we can talk and she makes me smile"

"Are you falling for her Christian? "She shakes her head smirking at me.

"And, why shouldn't I?" I say defensively.

"Because you know that isn't the way you're made. You need absolute power and control. You can't let yourself be involved with a useless emotion. Love is for fools Christian, not masters of the universe. I thought I had instilled that into you years ago"

I stare at her. John Flynn's words coming back to me "she made you believe that was the only way you could exist "is there a possibility he was right.

"Yes years ago when I was fifteen and didn't know any better. You never gave me the chance of finding out there was any other way?" I coldly point out.

"I gave you what you needed; I made you what you are today. Master of the universe. If it weren't for me you would have ended up in jail" The arrogant bitch!

"You taught me how to fuck Elena, the rest I did myself" she glares at me trying to make me submit to her, she has on her Dom personae.

I realise at this point that John had been right, because even now, she was trying to control me. No way, I am stronger than her now.

"So back off Elena, I'll live my life as I want, and what I want, I get. So we'll say goodnight now. I'll look over the figures and send them back to you"

I walk out of the restaurant after paying the bill. And when I get back to Escala I tell Taylor to call Stephan and tell him to ready the jet for morning. We are going to Georgia. I pour my self stiff bourbon. I've made up my mind I'll give love a chance.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thankyou all you reviewers, favourites, and followers it's great that you are happy with my tale. **

**Thankyou to E. L. James for creating these characters for me to play with.**

**Chapter 11.**

Kate and I arrive back in Seattle in the early afternoon. We had a great holiday in Barbados, sun, sea, sand and lots of fantastic sex. Kate is a great girl I think she is marvellous. She can be really tenacious when she is probing your innermost secrets and she has not learnt to control her brain to mouth filter, but she is young and enthusiastic. We have a great time together.

She goes back to her apartment to see Ana and catch up. I go to my own apartment and give dad a ring to let him know I'm home. Then I drive to building we are constructing to see my site manager. I'm just getting in my car when my cell rings, its dad.

"Elliot, are you with Kate?"

"No, I'm just leaving the site to go home and shower"

"Well, I need you to ring Kate and speak to Anastasia I don't have her number" he sounds very anxious he can hardly breathe.

"Dad what's up are you ok" he is worrying me, he sounds so panicky.

"It's Christian, his helicopter is missing he has not followed his flight plan and is now overdue. We have lost contact with him"

I feel myself break out into a cold sweat; Christian missing!

"What do you want me to do?"

"Call Kate talk to Ana, tell that Christian is missing and to go to Escala, and wait there for news.

Taylor is co-ordinating with search and rescue and would be happier if Ana were there. Apparently they've had some threats lately. Your mom and I are going over there now."

"I'll call Kate and drive them both to Escala. See you soon"

I take a deep breathe to ease the raising feel of nausea. Then ring Kate.

As it turns out, Kate and Ana are in a bar, having a get together with their friend Jose who is visiting from Portland. By the time I get there Ana is being escorted by Sawyer, who is one of Christian's security team.

Taylor has intercepted threats made recently, against both Christian and Ana. Christian had arranged for Sawyer to shadow Ana discretely just to make sure no harm comes to her. Taylor, who heads the security team is now on full alert in case there has been some foul play, has put Sawyer on close protection detail.

I follow Sawyer back and into Escala's underground car park and we all ride up in the service elevator, rather go in through the main entrance. A gang of reporters have heard the news that Christian is missing and they are gathering like the vultures they are waiting for a story.

When José and I enter the main room of Christian's pent house apartment my mom grabs hold of me sobbing. I look around and see Mia putting her arm around Ana, trying to comfort and reassure her. Leading her to the couch near the fire place as Ana is drip white and shaking, in shock. My dad is in Taylor's office trying to help co-ordinate the search and rescue. I see Mrs Jones the house keeper wiping her eyes as she lights the gas fire to warm Ana. Kate, goes to the den and turns on the big plasma TV in hopes of hearing some news up date

There is a general air of dread seeping through the apartment. My mom eventually lets me go but I see such pain and worry in her eyes; as she tries to control her tears.

I go in and see Taylor, who tells me that the rescue teams are being called off as it is getting too dark to see anymore tonight. He tells me that Christian and his right hand girl, Ros, flew down to Portland to WSU; see the head of the farming division. He knows they set off back at about three in the afternoon and should have been back in Seattle by four. That was his flight plan.

Taylor is calling in favours from his marine buddies to get to Seattle and help with the search at first light tomorrow.

For what seems like eternity we wait, and wait and wait. I feel numb and cold inside, my mom and dad and Mia sit on the couch, walk around, and harass poor Taylor. Jose sits and holds Ana's hand, Kate rubs her shoulders. I try and hold a conversation with Ethan, Kate's brother, who was out on a date with _my sister! _When did that happen for crying out loud?

Mrs Jones makes drinks and snacks, just for something to do as no one is really interested.

Ana just sits and stares at the fire, she is not talking or crying, just sitting, staring, with her white face shivering with cold despite the fire and the blanket wrapped around her

At last, at about eleven Taylor is notified by the security on the entrance desk that Christian is on his way up. At about the same time Sawyer gets a call from Ross, telling him they are safe and sound, she has just been dropped off at her own apartment. We all breathe a sigh of relief, I silently thank God.

Christian steps into the main room looking dusty and dishevelled carrying his shoes and suit jacket. He looks so surprised at seeing us all gathered there. Before he can say or do anything mom screeches "Christian!" and barrels across the room throwing her arms around his neck causing him to take a step back to stop himself from falling. He drops his shoes and jacket then, the most amazing thing, instead of shying away from her like he normally does; he folds his arms around her and holds her tight. He has never ever been able to stand being touched like that before!

My dad goes and hugs him and Christian doesn't flinch or move away. Mia has always been able to touch him; goes up to him and slaps his chest, "We were so worried about you!" she says throwing her arms around him.

Christian looks thoroughly bemused by all this fuss, "I'm alright, what's with the welcoming committee?" his eyes search around the room until they light on Ana. His face, his whole body lights up when he sees her and for that moment, I could see, for him and her there was no one, but no none else in that room.

"Christian, your flight plan, you were missing" my mother scolds "What happened to you?"

I put my arms around him and slap his back; he stiffened a little but patted me back.

"Where the fuck were you, I'd just got back when dad phoned to say the chopper was missing"

He scowls at me "Helicopter" he corrects. This is an old joke between us.

He pulls away from me "I'm going to see my girl now" he says determinately.

Ana has not moved from her place on the couch, she has not interrupted our family reunion, just sitting with tears of relief rolling down her face.

As he starts to walk towards her, she stands and runs into his arms.

As I lay in bed that night I am unable to sleep. Apparently, on their way back from Portland, Ros is fascinated by how much of the landscape you can see from a helicopter. She has never been up in one before and she was thrilled. As they had left earlier than planned, Christian decided to show Ros the view over Mount Rainier. As they were flying, suddenly emergency lights started flashing and alarms were going off, they had a fire in the tail. By some miracle, or Christians flying skills they managed to land reasonably safely. Ros sustained a cut on her head as they crash landed. But that was all. They had to walk for hours to get to the highway to hitch a lift back into Seattle. Both Christian and Taylor think it was sabotage.

But wasn't that which was keeping me awake; it was the way Christian had allowed us all to hold him and the look of absolute adoration when he held Ana. When he was telling us about what had happened, Ana sat on his lap the whole time he wouldn't her go, even when she offered to get him a drink and something to eat. My untouchable, brother was a different man. And I couldn't believe the change in him. He seemed so relaxed, normally all the fuss would have irritated the hell out of him. Perhaps he now realises how much we all care about him.

The next day was Christians twenty eighth birthday. And Mia had planned a surprise party for him at my parent's house in Belleview.

We all had to get there early so everyone was in place before he and Ana arrived. Kate seemed a little on edge as we waited. When I asked what the matter was, she said there was something she needs to talk to Ana and Christian about she didn't want to elaborate so I let it go. She pounced on them as soon as they got through the door dragging them into the dining room. They come out some ten minutes later all smiles so I guess what ever Kate had wanted can't have been important.

As they came into the lounge, Kate came and held my hand as everyone shouted HAPPY BIRHTDAY! Christian had this huge grin on his face as he held Ana around her shoulders. Everyone surged forward to shake his hand.

Mrs Lincoln actually kissed him! Ana looked furious and Christian wasn't too pleased either. He shook her off; then grabbing two glasses of champagne, gave one to Ana, held up his glass for order he said in a clear voice,

"Thankyou everyone I must say this is a surprise. As you know, Ros and I had a close call yesterday, he lifted his glass to Ros, "so I am particularly pleased you are here to share with me some very good news. This lovely woman, Miss Anastasia Rose Steel, has consented to be my wife" there was a shocked silence, and for a second, nobody moved.

Then every one was clapping and surging forward to shake his hand and kiss Ana. For the second time in as many days I hugged my brother. "Way to go Bro" I choked out.

"Thanks Lelliot" he whispers slapping my back. Lelliot was what he used to call me when we were kids just after he got his voice back.

Mia was ecstatic, my mom and dad were nearly in tears and we had a great party.

I noticed at some point in the evening, Mia dragged Ana off for a private chat, no doubt to quiz her about the wedding plans. Mia returned shortly after looking pleased went to talk to Kate.

I was talking to Claude Bastille who is Christians kick boxing coach when I noticed Mrs Lincoln, leave the room with a face like thunder.

Mom called for everyone's attention to tell us that food was being served buffet style in the kitchen. And everyone started to make there way in there. I see Christian looking lost, wondering where Ana was Mia said she had left her in the dining room so he made his way there.

They didn't reappear for quite a while so I can guess what they are up to. I decide it's time to find Kate. She and Mia _and _my mom are singing Karaoke in the main lounge I think all three are a bit tight. But obviously having fun.

I go in the kitchen and meet up with my dad.

"Did you know about Christian and Ana" I ask

"No quite a surprise, I'm overwhelmed" he says,

"Are you happy for them, I'm thrilled"

"Yes I am Ana is a lovely girl, and she seems to help Christian so much. He is so different now. You should have been here last week at the "Coping Together" ball. You know he only attends these things under sufferance to your mom. Then he comes as a token gesture and leaves as soon as is polite. Last week he brought Ana and he laughed and danced all evening. It was a joy to see them together. I managed to steal her from him for a dance and she is a delight. She told me that Christian had told her about his early childhood, so she was pleased to donate the twenty four thousand dollars she had bid in the auction. I didn't think she could afford it and I was giving her a chance to back out but she said she had recently come into the money and she didn't need it. Wasn't that kind? But there is such a change in Christian she seems to be good for him"

"Yes who would have guessed that he could look so happy?"

I help myself to another of the left over cocktails just as Christian and Ana walk through the kitchen and outside.

"Going for a stroll?" I ask lasciviously. And he grins back at me winking.

_The little shit has beaten me to the boat house AGAIN!_


	12. Chapter 12

**Thankyou all you reviewers, favourites, and followers it's great that you are happy with my tale. **

**Thankyou to E. L. James for creating these characters for me to play with.**

**Chapter 12.**

It's well after midnight when Christian and Ana come back from the boat house. I think they were hoping that we had all gone to bed. All the guests _had _left but Kate and I had been told by mom that we were to stay along with Ana and Christian as we had drunk too much to drive.

When we saw the huge diamond ring on Ana's finger it was an excuse to carry on and have a family party. I really don't know what time we eventually got to bed.

I came down stairs next day with a major marching band in my head, so I wasn't too happy to hear dad and Christian shouting at each other in dad's study. I groaned and made my way to the kitchen where the rest of the family were sitting having breakfast. I helped myself to orange juice and Advil and sat at the table with my head in my hands.

"Why are dad and Christian yelling at each other?" I asked the room in general.

I looked up, and I see Ana blushing looking down at her hands.

"Whets wrong?" somethings happened.

"I'm afraid it's my fault," Said Mia, "I was reading this article in the Seattle Noos. They've some how found out about the engagement and they are speculating what sort of pre nup Christian and Ana will sign. Well Christian said there wouldn't be one. And dad had Christian go into the study to talk about it. I'm really sorry Ana, I didn't mean to embarrass you, I just didn't think."

"That's ok Mia, things have happened so quickly I haven't thought about pre nups and the like. Of course I'll sign anything Mr Grey wants, it is to protect Christian after all". She says quietly looking very uncomfortable

Christian comes in and sits beside her, he is furious. He pulls Ana into his arms

"There will be no prenup. Don't worry about it, don't even think about it. It makes no difference because if I haven't got you there is no point." we all look at him he is determined .and there is an uncomfortable silence around the table

"I'm just glad you've stopped shouting. Is there any coffee mom" I say

"Bit hung over bro?" Christian asks smirking at me. "I told you to lay off the scotch"

"Fuck off Christian"

"ELLIOT" my mom shouts "watch your language; you're not on the building site now!"

I groan and hold my head. General chatter carries on around me and the marching band is marching off into the distance as Advil and fluids start to take effect. I sit back in my chair to talk to Christian and he is talking very quietly into Ana's ear.

"Take no notice of my dad he's upset with me about Elena. It's not aimed at you"

I catch his eye and give him a quizzical look. He frowns and shakes his head he eyes are telling me to back off.

What the hell has Elena Lincoln got to do with all this?

Elena Lincoln is a friend of my mothers. Or should I say she is in the circle of the well off ladies of Seattle who run charities and the like. But I believe she is quite close to mom and they use each other as a sounding board when they have problems and the need another woman to talk to.

She was often around our house when she were kids, having no children of her own, she seemed to like being around us. I think when we were small we tolerated her because she was a friend of moms and we had to be polite towards her but I don't think any of us really liked her.

It is because she is a family friend that Mia invited her last night. But what happened last night to cause dad to be mad at Christian? As far as I know he hardly spoke two words to her. Oh well I'll ask him later, when my head feels a bit better right now I feel as I want to go back to bed. And I will but in my own apartment where it's very quiet and there are no marching bands.

Christian calls me the followin**g** Tuesday to ask if I'm free to meet him one day soon. He wants me to look over a house he's bought with view to doing some restoration work and what can be done to make it more environmentally friendly. I tell him the following afternoon would be ok for me and he gives me address and code number for the entrance gate.

When I arrive at the house, I am stunned with the size of it; it is huge, a beautiful Mediterranean. Style mansion. Set in spacious grounds, over looking Puget Sound. There is a woodland area shielding one side of the drive from on looking properties. On the other side there are a couple of acres of meadowland which has been allowed to grow feral. The whole thing is absolutely breathtaking.

Christian is standing leaning against the SUV talking on his phone and Taylor is looking around the outside of the house. His face gives nothing away, but he is running his hand around his chin.

"Hi Taylor, how you doing?"

"I'm fine, how's yourself?"

"Great. So what do you think of the boss getting married?"

"It didn't come as too much of a surprise." that's Taylor never gives too much away. "But he's a lot nicer to work for"

"Are you calling my brother, your boss a pain in the ass?

"He used to be" says Taylor with a grin

"Hi Elliot. What do you think so far?" asks Christian

"Oh I don't know, do you think it's big enough? I mean I wouldn't want you and Ana falling over each other or feeling cramped" I say wryly

He just shakes his head and grins.

He gets a key out of his jacket pocket and unlocks the door and we enter the entrance hall.

"Taylor," he turns to look at him, "Go round the place thoroughly and note what measures are needed to make it secure. The grounds extend down as far as the shore line, so that will need looking at too."

"Very good sir" and off he goes.

"Come with me through here I want to show you something." he is so exited.

He leads me through the enormous family room to some French windows at the far end. These lead out to a stone terrace. Christian waves his hand in front of him directing my eyes to the most magnificent view of the sound. I can see through the trees that shelter the front of the house the sun is reflecting off the water. And with the large expanse of lawn with flower beds and shrubs leading down to the water front it is a peaceful tranquil vision.

"Christian it is fantastic, Wow what a place to live, just fantastic!" I am quite lost for words at the beauty of it all. We walk to the edge of the terrace and he sits on a bench I join him.

"You know Elliot when ever I've sailed past here I have looked at these houses and wondered what it would be like to live here. In fact I _wanted to live _here so when this came on the market I jumped at it. I came with the realtor, one afternoon a bit like today and I stood and just looked. And you know Elliot? I thought I'd come home I feel so at peace when I look at that view. So I bought it. But Elliot I bought it for the view not the house. My initial plan was to demolish the house and have you build me a new more modern house. But when I brought Ana, she fell in love with the house, oh she loves the view too but she really doesn't want to demolish the house. She says it's just tired and needs some TLC so that's what we'd like you to do. Providing of course that it is viable to do that. I mean if there is dry rot or the foundations are not sound we will have to reconsider."

"Have you had a surveyor to look at it yet?" I say looking around me and standing head back into the house to look around.

"No I'll organise that when you tell me the best guy to get"

We wander around the house and Christian fills me in on some ideas he has had, like a glass wall instead of the French windows in the main room.

As the sun is still warm we go outside again and walk down the grass expanse to the meadow. Christian takes off his jacket and loosens his tie. Gee I'm so glad I don't have to dress smart for work .I'm a jeans and tee shirt guy, though I do have a work jacket on. Suddenly Christian sits down. On the grass his knees bent up and his arms resting on his knees. He sighs and looks around him. He looks so thoughtful, but has an air of peace about him.

"You know Elliot, you, I and Mia are not biological brothers and sister. We don't have any blood ties, and yet we are as close as if we shared the same gene pool" I'm looking at him wondering where he is going with this but I nod in agreement.

"None of us know what our gene pool is really like, what our roots are. What defines us makes us who we are. I'm erasable, controlling. You are a gentle guy steadier than me, probably altogether a more loving nature. Mia is over the top exuberant who is full of joie'd vive. So what will our kids be like? We have no idea because we have no biological connections with any one of the Grey family. And I wonder have I got traits in me that come down from my birth mother and an unknown sperm donor."

"I'm not sure where you're going with this, Christian" his mood is kind of melancholy now.

"I'm just pondering nature versus nurture. Is it in my nature, my genetic make up to be violent and controlling or am I like that because of my past, the way I have been nurtured in my formative years, before I was adopted.

I feel so different, now that I have Ana in my life. Half the time I don't feel in control at all, she makes my head spin but I'm not unhappy about it I feel a sort of relief."

"Christian, from what I know of your beginnings, there is no wonder you were traumatised and that has never left you. You feel the need to be in control because you had no control over what happened to you. But as I see you now, as you are I think you are evolving into the man you where meant to be if you had a normal early childhood."

"But what about the other factors in my life. Like when I was in my teens, fighting permanently angry."

"Again due to your traumatic childhood and raging hormones"

He stretches his legs out then brings them in till he is sitting cross legged. He runs his hands up his face and through his hair. He closes his eyes, then rolling his neck he seems to come to a decision.

"Do you know why I stopped fighting and settled down?"

"You got control of yourself accepted things for what they were, stopped fighting against things you couldn't control" but I knew there was something else, a deep secret something he had never told anyone.

"Pretty suddenly for a kid of fifteen don't you think?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"Dad and mom, were pissed of at me on Saturday, because they found out, that Elena and me had, had a sexual relationship that lasted six years when I was fifteen" he says this very quietly.

I had been lying flat on the grass with my hands behind my head until he said that. I sit up quickly and stare at him. He has his impassive face on the one that shows nothing.

"Are you telling me that Elena Lincoln seduced you when you where fifteen! " I ask incredibly

"Oh, it's worse than that," he says matter of factly.

"How can it be worse than that? You were a minor, for fucks sake. Why didn't you tell dad at the time" I can not believe it

"Oh come on Elliot would you have told them if some hot older women had come on to you?"

I think about this, well probably not, being a priapic teenager myself. I shrug

"So how did they find out? You had obviously managed to keep it from them all these years"

"On Saturday night Elena cornered Ana and called her a skinny little gold digger and that she would never be good enough for me. Unfortunately, I heard her and when into the dining room where they were. And we were arguing I was telling Elena to leave Ana alone and she was going on about she had made me the man I was today. Just as I said to her, you taught me how to fuck, mom came in, and she had heard most of the exchange. Oh Elliot you should have seen her, she fetched Elena a slap on her face that rang around the room like a gun shot. Told her to get out of her house and called her a whore, magnificent. Mom asked Ana to leave while she talked to me, it was the worst fifteen minutes of my life." he had said all this in one breath so he took a deep inhale.

"So that's why dad was so upset with you on Sunday. Did Ana know about your affair?"

"Oh yes Ana knows all about my sordid past." I'm relieved to hear this.

"But you see Elliot, they, mom and dad only know part of the story."

"You mean there's more!" What else could there possibly be.

"You remember my telling you about escorts with benefits?"

"Y'ees"I say cautiously.

"Well what do you know about BDSM?"


	13. Chapter 13

**Thankyou all you reviewers, favourites, and followers it's great that you are happy with my tale. **

**Thankyou E. L. James for creating these characters for me to play with.**

**Chapter 13.**

"Well what do you know about BDSM?"

There is a balmy breeze blowing through the meadow from the sound, I can smell the sea, the meadow flowers and the sun is hot on my back. Inside a cold tremor runs through me and I can feel the colour drain from my face, I feel the palms of my hand sweating. I look at Christian in total shock.

"What?" I can hardly speak

"I see you've heard about the life style "he looks uncomfortable, and is that fear in his gray eyes?

"What the fuck are you telling me Christian, that you are a bloody sadist?"

He rubs his forehead with the tips of his finger, frowning. He takes an enormous breath;

"No, I'm, was, a dominant, formally a submissive" he says through a long exhalation.

I cannot find words, I just stare at him in total disbelief my mouth agape. If I smoked I would be lighting up now. Boy I could do with a drink!

"If you want to leave, I quite understand. But I wish that you would hear me out before disowning Me." he says quietly.

As he says this, so many things become clear to me. His isolating himself from me and the other members of our family, his iron control over his emotions. And the fact that he would rather have us believe he was gay, than know the truth and abandon him. The poor sad fucker.

"Christian, you are my brother I could never disown you. Can you tell me how it started; did that Lincoln woman have anything to do with it?" I really want to know, if she has made him more fucked up than he already was, I might just have to inflict some harm.

He stands up stretching "Lets go and sit in the shade." he says determinately. So we go and sit under the trees our backs against an ancient oak. He gets his blackberry out of his jacket pocket and presses a single button. "Taylor, have you finished?" he asks

"Well' when you have, head home, I'll get Elliot to drop me off, and if Miss Steel gets back before me, tell her I won't be late and that I'm talking with Elliot." a little pause then he switches off. He takes his tie off and starts running it through his fingers.

I try and mentally prepare my self for what ever is coming.

"You know what a mess I was in my teens," he begins and I nod, paying full attention

"I felt powerless, persistently angry, a permanent hard on. I had no friends, mom and dad was rapidly loosing patience; didn't know what to do with me. The shrink I had at the time was an arsehole, no help at all. I was just turned fifteen, boarder line being expelled from school. Secretly drinking, sometimes from dads cabinet; He must have got suspicious because he started locking it up. If I had any money, well I was tall enough; I'd buy a bottle at a shop where they didn't bother with Id. It helped the continual pain I was in, helped me sleep. I was even considering buying some weed from a guy I knew at school. You see Elliot I knew I was hurting them, I didn't think they understood what I was going through, and no one did. But I couldn't stop it; I honestly thought I was going insane.

Then mom arranged for me to do some work at the Lincoln's place, clearing rubble and stuff left over from an extension they had, had built in their backyard. Mom and dad thought a little hard labour might help work off excess energy and because Elena said she would pay me, give me some incentive. Oh the thought of being paid gave me incentive alright, I could buy more booze.

I went over there as per instructions one Saturday, just as school had finished until the fall.

I got to work, and later in the afternoon, just as I took a break for a drink, Elena showed up.

She told me I looked hot and I made some smart mouth reply and she slapped my face, then she grabbed my head and kissed me; it made my head spin and seriously turned me on. Then she slapped me again and walked away leaving me gob smacked. She turned around and told me to follow her into the house, There she told me to go and shower in one of the upstairs bathrooms. I'm still reeling and I haven't a fuckin' clue as to what was going on. I was just about to get out of the shower when she came in and joined me. I was scared to death that she would touch me, I was stark naked for gods sake. But she just grabbed my dick and started pumping, it took about two seconds for me to cum and I felt mortified. She didn't say any thing just washed me off, and then lead me, by my dick and into a bed room. There she gave me my first experience of actually fulfilling my dream of fuckin' a woman. She also gave me my first lesson in how to be a submissive."

"Why the hell didn't you tell dad? She pounced on a vulnerable, under aged kid for god's sake. She should have been arrested and charged as a paedophile." I'm outraged. "If you felt you couldn't talk to them why didn't you tell me? I would have been there for you, you know that. Did she beat you? Tie you up?" I get up and walk up and down for a bit while he watches me. I turn to him wanting an answer. "Well?" I dropped, kneeling down in front of him looking him squarely in the eye.

"Yes she beat me, but you know Elliot, I enjoyed it. And that's way I didn't tell anyone. Apart from the fact, that she was mom's friend and I didn't know if they would believe me. And any way would you had told anyone that a hot older women had come on to you underage or not?"

I shake my head, hell no.

"Elliot I don't know if I can explain clearly; but as the weeks went by I learned the rules. If I drank, got into a fight, smart mouthed or lost my temper, she punished me. But she also taught me every thing a guy needs to know about sex. How to really pleasure a woman until she screams, how to control my own orgasm and not cum until the ultimate peak of pleasure. Under her Domination I learned how to control myself mentally and physically. You know, pain and pleasure are two sides of the coin and it is easier to bare your pain on the outside "

I lay down on the grass trying desperately to understand what he is telling me. I just don't know what to say to him, but he continues without any prompting from me.

"Being a submissive isn't confined to the bedroom. Play room, dungeon or what ever. It is a whole way of life. Elena, took all the worries off my shoulders she made all my decision, took them out of the equation. She told me when to eat, sleep, and exercise. She made sure that I upped my grades at school. If I did well she would reward me and having sexual relief also took away that fear that I would never be able to experience sex. Yes I was totally under her control for six years."

"What changed?" I murmur.

"She over stepped my hard limits once too often"

"Hard limits? What does that mean?"

"A Dom/sub relationship is based on trust. There are limits to what you will do or will not do, and safe words to use when the limit of endurance is reached. I don't like being touched on my back and chest as you know. Some times she would touch me to punish me, during one session she touched me but she ignored my safe word and I was at my limit. So when the session was ended by my begging her to stop, I told her no more, I'd had enough and walked out. I was at Harvard then and she had come to visit me. I didn't know she was coming, and I was in a bar with a girl just talking and she had seen me it pissed her off that I wasn't where I should be, at my apartment. She meet me outside and took me to a BDSM club in Cambridge, she took a room, then went fuckin' ape shit. It was the last straw."

He seemed to be on a role wanting to tell all, getting all the hidden past out of his system. I nearly feel like crying for him. I sit up and go and sit beside him leaning on the tree. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze it gently.

"Do you want to carry on getting it off your conscience?"

"If you can bear to hear it"

"Go on, cleanse your soul. I don't know why you're telling me this now, but I'm sure you have your reasons"

"I have, I feel as though I need to get this out in the open with someone in my family, but I don't think I can tell mom and dad yet it was bad enough when they heard about the affair with Elena, without the gory details. So I'm afraid it has to be you bud"

"I have to admit you've shook me up Christian, but you have made me proud that you've chosen me as your confessor; so carry on"

He gives me a huge smile." I suppose you'll be wanting tips next" he smirks. I grin back .and wriggle my eyebrows.

"Well I had just turned twenty and was bursting with ideas on how I was going to pursue my career in the business world. I felt I was wasting my time at Harvard and I had seen a small electronics company that was going down hill fast and I knew what was wrong, I knew how to fix it. I had some money and I reckoned if dad released my trust fund and with a bank loan I could afford to buy it out and fix it; I projected the figures and if all went as it should I could turn a profit within the year. I looked on this as being the opportunity I had been waiting for and if I didn't jump now I would miss it, so I dropped out. Well you were there when I arrived home and you saw how well they greeted the idea. So, no trust fund, but I really wanted that company. You let me move in with you and I set about trying to raise some more money or just buy what ever shares I could afford.

I rang Elena to tell her I was back in town and I wanted to see her, I desperately needing some action I was so hyped up. However, I had also made my mind up I wasn't going to sub for her and wanted her to get me a sub, I was going to be a Dom, I was going to take charge, be in control, I was going to be a CEO of my own company. That's how hyped up I was.

When we meet, she strutted around me until I told her to cut the crap that I wasn't taking anymore of her shit… To my amazement she offered to switch, and oh boy! Did I have a good time that night? Next day she rang me and asked about the company I was interested in and offered to loan me a hundred grand seed money."

"Bloody hell, you must have been good. Did she sub for you long?"

He grins lasciviously at me, "No, not for long just the once in fact. Later that week mom phoned to tell me she had been beaten up. Of course mom didn't know about our relationship, she just thought I might like to know. But her husband had found out about us and he exacted his revenge. After that, we steered clear of one another. She did however introduce me to an agency where they dealt in the BDSM scene. And that is the way I have lived my life. Until I meet Ana. And she changed everything for me. Until she fell into my office I was a driven, soulless control freak. No heart, no real feelings." He looks at me expectantly.

The sun has gone down now and it is getting chilly. He gets up and puts his jacket on'

"Say something" he says anxiously.

"Christian, just give me time to think will you? Come on we'll go to my place and talk some more over a drink."

"Elliot, are you still on my side, or are you so disgusted you want me out of your life?"

"No Christian, I'm here for you, you know that, but there is one thing I need to know and that is does Ana know all about your predilections?"

"Ana knows all about me, and she is still with me and that changes everything for me"

We stroll back to the house, lock up and drive to my apartment for a well needed drink. I have all this stuff going round and round in my head and I need to get a handle on it.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/n well this story is longer than I anticipated when I started, just a couple or three chapters at the most. But, at the end of each chapter I find I still have more to tell.**

**The reviews, follows and favourites are the encouragement to carry on, so Thankyou one and all. **

**Thankyou E. L. James for creating these characters for me to play with.**

**Chapter 14.**

Christian and I are very quiet as I drive to my apartment; we are both lost in thought. My head is reeling with the revelations Christian has shared with me. I feel as I should have known, at least about the affair with the child abuser.

I know, I know, he wasn't a child; but he was vulnerable. I knew he had hang ups stemming from his early childhood. I knew he still had nightmares, I knew he couldn't bear to be touched. He became very good at anticipating when people were about the hug him or pat his back. He would take a step back out of their reach. The kids at school thought him stand offish and odd. Only close family members knew of his phobia and respected his space. Yes close family members, including Elena Lincoln. She knew because our mom would have told her!

Christian had learned to manage his life, took control and became one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in Washington State. But at what cost? At home he always seemed to keep himself on the outside. Oh, he joins in family gatherings dinners and so on. But he is always edgy and ready to leave; he is not comfortable in our company.

And now I see why, deep down him knew his life style; his private life style would be abhorrent to us. So abhorrent in fact that he thought we would abandon him, cast him out hate him for what he had become; through no real fault of his own.

We made ourselves comfortable, I got us a beer each and we drank thirstily. He had taken his jacket off and was sitting in an arm chair his leg crossed at the ankle on his knee. He seemed to be waiting for me to ask what ever I had on my mind, open the conversation.

"Tell me about your Dom/sub relationships has there been a lot?"

"Over the past seven years? Fifteen." he is watching me closely his mouth closed into a thin line. , his breathing is ragged, he is tense and apprehensive.

"I think I beat you there" I say wanting to lighten the atmosphere.

"I dare say, but you had ahead start on me" he grins relaxing a little. "As I told you, these sorts of relationships are based on trust, the subs trust me to take care of them and respect their hard and soft limits."

"How do you know their limits?"

"Well for me, this doesn't always apply, I, have, had contracts drawn up in an interview prior to them actually starting to sub for me. They _have to sign,_ an NDA and agree to the rules."

"A bit like an employment contract?" I ask surprised.

"Exactly. This is a safe, sane, consensual agreement between two like mined people. Because to me that's what they were; they were there to do a job, satisfy my sexual needs." he is very cold in his explanation.

I stare at him; here was Christian Grey, the CEO.

"Did they not mean anything to you at all?"

"No. They came Friday through Sunday. There were no dates or hearts and flowers. I made sure they had a decent car, clothes, medical insurance and if they pleased me occasional gifts. Not a salary as such. Most of them had jobs or were at college, but they gave their weekends to Me." he frowns and rubs his chin.

"I know this sounds, cold, but it was all I wanted. We had a contract, initially for three months that could be extended at the end of that time, sometimes the contract ended sooner."

"Why? Couldn't they cope with your demands?" I know I sound angry but honestly his cold approach to these girls was making me feel a bit sick.

"Not necessarily. You think that as a Dom that I took advantage of their submission, but there were times when I didn't meet their expectations. At least two, found other Dom's and moved out of state, one when down to Yale to study medicine; she's qualified as a surgeon now. I helped her with her fees. Another met a guy and they got married. Others wanted "more" I was not in the market for "more". I couldn't give more Elliot; I felt absolutely no emotional feelings for any of these girls. They were there to do a job and nothing else. Hell they didn't sleep in the same bed as me. There was one who tried to sneak in with me she was punished and out the door next day."

I don't ask about the punishment, I didn't want to know. The image of Christian punishing someone with a cane or whip makes me shudder. Was he that brutal?

"The girls who become submissive actually get off on pain Elliot, in the same way as I get aroused by metering it out. Pain and pleasure is a turn on for both parties. Look it up on Wikipaedia. There's a mine of information on there."

"Where do you, err, have these activities at Escala or do you have a little secret hide out somewhere?"

"I have a play room at Escala."

"How come I've never seen it, I've been all over your place" I frown I can't believe I missed something like that.

"It's the locked room on the second floor."

"You told me that was a storage room!" I say indignantly.

"Well I didn't want any of you in there, especially Mia."

"Mmm I can understand that. You want another beer?"

"No thanks," he looks at his watch, "I need to be home for eight, Mrs Jones will have dinner ready. I'll have a scotch on the rocks though "

"I think I'll join you with that" I get up and Christian goes and uses the bathroom.

When we are settled again, I ask, "So what made you change your mind? I can't imagine Ana being into that stuff, or maybe she is. But you care for Ana don't you?"

"Ana happened, and no for your information Ana is not into BDSM, she hasn't a submissive bone in her body and I love her for it." his eyes light up and his whole demeanour changes.

"A lot happened when you were sunning your self in Barbados. You know before you left Ana and I were seeing each other, and Kate was mad at me because she thought I was just using her as a play thing." I nod remembering our conversation after we had all had dinner at my parents place.

"Well she was right, I wanted Ana as my submissive nothing else. But it wasn't that easy. I knew Ana was inexperienced when we met. But I couldn't stop thinking about her, I told you, and you stop said to stop hiding in my past. The thing is Elliot it's my recent past that has been the problem, my past with Elena Lincoln. I realise now that although I thought she helped me I was wrong. All she did was control me, my thoughts my actions, she thoroughly brain washed me. And although we had no sexual interest in each other she has continued to control me, in the guise of friendship. This became blatantly evident on my birthday when she was telling Ana that she wouldn't be able to meet my needs. She was trying to split us up; I don't know why perhaps she thought that if Ana and I were together, she would loose her control of me."

Halleluiah the light dawns.

"What happened when we were away?"

"Ana went down to Georgia to see her mom as you know. That was an excuse; Ana's true reason for going was to take time away from me to think about signing the contract. The one agreeing to be my submissive."

"So she was into the scene as you call it?"

"Not really, but she was willing to give it a try, for me because she wanted to be with me. She told me that she wanted more than just a contractual agreement. By this time I was feeling that I couldn't let her go; the thought of her being with someone else and out of my life scared me, I couldn't bear the idea. But I wasn't in love oh no Christian Grey does not _do _love. This was just an obsession because; she wouldn't agree to be with me, what I want I get!"

"You were in denial bro" I shake my head in frustration at him.

"I know now but I didn't want to know then. After she had gone to Georgia, I was like a kid with separation anxiety. So I went to see Flynn. He listened to my tale of woe and practically laughed at my stupidity and told me, that there was someone loved me warts and all.

Ana knew a lot about my past, my birth mom, my hang ups and ,I don't know why, I told her about Elena; how she had educated me into the life style I lead.

I told Flynn that Ana knew. And he said anyone who wants to try and embrace that sort of relationship just so she could stay with me, must love me. He persuaded me that if only I was brave enough to take the step there was no reason why I couldn't change my life after all I was twenty seven not eighty and it wasn't too late for me. So with this thought in mind I considered flying down to Georgia.

"The following evening I had dinner with Elena. She wanted me to check the P and L sheets for the salons we own."

"You own Elena's salons!" I know he has his fingers in many pies but I didn't know he was interested in beauty business.

"I'm a silent partner. I helped her financially to set up the business after she divorced her husband. I thought it was the least I could do, after all she loaned me the seed money to get started.

"She asked me if I had a sub at the moment, she knew I hadn't because she knew the last one had been a disappointment snooping around the Escala tried to find ways of blackmailing me. Elena offered to vet me a new one, so I told her about Ana, my submissive under training. Oh she was so amused by this asked me if I'd gone to the extreme and caned her yet. When I said no I was taking things slowly. She started going on that I mustn't go to long with out a "proper sub", that it wasn't good for me and so on. Then she offered to train Ana for me make sure that she knew just how hard I could play. I could have slapped her, and she then accused me of being in love with her. She then started on about love being for fools and it wasn't for me. She pissed me off so much; I told her to leave my life the fuck alone and walked out. I went home and told Taylor that we would be flying down to Georgia the next day."

"Well good for you bro. and was every thing ok in Georgia?"

"Every thing was great; it was when I got back that the shit hit the fan"

"Why what happened when you got back"

"Ana left me" he says quietly remembering.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/n well this story is longer than I anticipated when I started, just a couple or three chapters at the most. But, at the end of each chapter I find I still have more to tell.**

**The reviews, follows and favourites are the encouragement to carry on, so Thankyou one and all. **

**Thankyou E. L. James for creating these characters for me to play with.**

**Chapter 15.**

The anguished look on his face tells me this is a very painful memory for Christian. I myself feel devastated, at a time when we as a family should have been there to help him, we couldn't because he had closed himself away from us because of his fears of being rejected. He had become his own island state carrying all his pain and fears deep inside where we were never allowed.

I pour us another drink, what the hell; I could always call Taylor to fetch him home.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"It was my entirely fault, I lost control, my head was so full of my feelings for Ana, and things were happening all around me, I was in turmoil. I lost focus."

"How come you never loose control, you are always on top of your game" I shake my head in disbelief." Did something happen in Georgia?"

"Not really. When I arrived in Georgia, I made a couple of calls to a managing director in the hope of opening up some deals whilst I was down there. I thought that if Ana didn't want to see me I wouldn't have completely had a wasted journey. So I arranged to meet the guy the following day. I went down and had dinner in the hotel where I was staying, then decided to have a quick drink at the bar before going up to my room to work, I needed to talk to Ros. I'd finished my drink and was just about to go upstairs when I spot Ana and her mom sitting at a table talking and laughing having cocktails. I had, had emails from Ana during the course of the day and the evening before. I had told her that I had dinner with Elena and her email back, and she sounds put out.

"I wander over to her and the looks on her face is a picture at seeing me there; she colours up but she pulls herself together enough to introduce me to her mom. I knew she was mad at me about having dinner with Mrs Robinson as she calls her. But I am not going to discuss this in front of her mom. Anyway I have drink with them and pointedly gave my room number to the waiter, hoping that she would take the hint and come up. And I'm pleased to say she did and we had a talk about my relationship with Elena, Ana is not happy calling her a child molester. However, we got over that and we went to bed happy. I took her gliding the following morning and we had a great time she really enjoyed it. I left her at her mom's promising to return in the evening as her mom had invited me to dinner. I went off and had my meeting with the developer. While we were there Taylor got a message from Mrs Jones; an ex of mine had some how managed to get into Escala looking for me. She was desperate, manic and as I wasn't there in desperation she took out an old cut throat razor and slit her wrist. Mrs Jones managed to get the razor off her, stopped the bleeding and called the paramedics and followed her to hospital.

Taylor related this to me; he was pissed at me, my past causing distress for Mrs Jones. I should add that Taylor and Gail is an item so he is protective of her. And he is right, my life style, fucks everyone up and I felt guilty responsible for Leila's actions. She was clearly in trouble, desperately needing help she had turned to me. But why now? I hadn't seen her for nearly three years.

"Taylor had already alerted Stephan and by the time we got to the airport the jet was ready and we took off for Seattle. Unfortunately by the time we got back Leila had discharged herself from hospital.

"I got on to Welsh and Taylor to find her. I figured she had no health insurance; she needed help if she was suicidal. Gail said she looked thin and unkempt. Even as an ex Dom I still felt I had a responsibility to care for her. Bit in order for me to do that, first I had to find her.

"On Friday, we had made no progress in finding her. Ana was due back in the evening and more than ever I wanted her there, I still had it in the back of my mind that she wouldn't agree to sub for me even though we had modified the contract.

"And to cap it all we were still having trouble with the Darfur shipment and the fucking unions were still not agreeing at the shipyard.

"See how dumb I am Elliot? Part of me still wanted her as a sub, I couldn't accept how I felt about her; I think I still had that deep seated belief that I was incapable of loving anyone I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. So I had that rattling about in my head, but I needed to regain control and to get that I needed the domination in my playroom."

He sounds desperate; even now his whole demeanour is tense.

"So what happened to make her leave you?"

"Well that evening we had a mind blowing session in the play room, I'm not going into details but no I didn't hurt her. We went to bed afterwards but I couldn't sleep. I had all this crap going through my head and although I was less tense I didn't feel as I was in control of myself. I played my piano until the early hours of the morning until Ana came and sat with me. Her body clock was still on Georgia time and she needed to take her birth control pill.

"Only Ana could begin a course of time specific pill in a different time zone. I suggested she wait half an hour today and so on so she takes it at a more reasonable time. So what shall we do for half an hour? I had something in mind" he smirks at me "the piano seems inviting. Ana wants to talk. I try to distract her on to something more acceptable. But she won't be deferred from her wanting to make clear where we stand with the contract.

"I tell her that the contract is moot. I felt that basically that it was only a piece of paper giving guidelines as to our relationship, I wanted her to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, but the rules still applied to be obedient, sleep exercise, etc, and if she broke the rules I would punish her. She asks me don't I need her permission, I say yes, and then she rolls her eyes at me. This eye rolling really annoys me; it's disrespectful in a sub. Then she realises that I'm going to spank her now. She makes a game of it dodging me around the table. I tell her I will catch her, hell where is she going to run to? In the apartment. Then she tells me that she feels the same way about my hurting her as I do about her touching me. I am absolutely dumbfounded she feels that bad! I back off. She comes to me and says she doesn't feel that bad but it gave me an idea.

"I'm really confused, she didn't object during our session in the playroom. Then she says that I didn't hurt her, and she can rationalise and do it for me, but when I want to hurt her it scares her.

I hold her tight as I realise that she cares for me. She asks my why I have to punish her, but I can't tell her. If she knew she would surely leave me. Ana talks in her sleep, and when we were in Georgia, she said that she would never leave. And that had made me feel secure. I begged her not leave and that I had come alive since I met her and that she gave me hope for "more"

"She says show me, I don't know what she means, she says show me how it can hurt, then if she can do that for me, perhaps, I will let her touch me. I glare at her then I don't know where my mind goes but my alter-ego kicks in. And I can feel the emotionless detached Dom taking over. I

Take her into the play room and, I hit her with a belt."

"You stupid fuck" I roar at him "Are you out of your fucking mind? No wonder she left you.

He has the grace to look mortified and I know he his still hurting with the memory.

"I told you I lost control. I felt on another plain, all I could think about when I was hitting her; well I wasn't hitting _Ana , _in my mind I was punishing my birth mother, blaming her, why did she leave me? Why didn't she protect me? And Elena fucking Lincoln was right; I couldn't live any other way."

And there it is his torment that has been with him all these years, exacerbated in his teens by that bitch of a woman. She taught him how to drive his anger, his fears, and his pain of abandonment deep within himself. She controlled him like a puppet, not to help him but to satisfy her own, deviant and sadistic needs. She had like any other paedophile, made sure he was isolated from his family; because she knew Christian would never want to hurt my mom and dad. She also made sure he hadn't any friends to confide in. And I didn't see there was more in his closed -of-ness.

I should have made him talk to me years ago. I am his brother and he didn't trust me enough to talk, he was so sure me, all of us would abandon him and that is his greatest fear, because he loves us as a family.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thankyou so much for your reviews and postings. I felt that I rambled a bit last night. I know you are all aware of the story line, so I didn't go into great detail. I'm trying to put things in context within the time frame. If you are worried about the amount of alcohol these two drink; try and think that for Christian to get through telling Elliot his past and they both need something to sustain them through. **

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not profit**

Chapter 16.

Christian POV.

I watch with trepidation as Elliot runs his hands through his hair and stands and paces the room. This could go either way. He could try and understand what I'm trying to say or turn away from me in disgust. I wouldn't blame him if he did turn away, after all who wants to associate with a brother who is a sadist, who abuses women for fun. But I hope deep inside me, that he gives me the chance to explain that I have changed. Ana has brought me into the light and given a reason to live to exist; the truth of the matter is that I couldn't exist without her.

There is one thing I'm certain of though and that is, Ana will not leave. She has agreed to be my wife. She has even been to see Flynn because she needed reassurance that she was doing the right thing for me.

She knows all about my past and has accepted things as they were and cannot be changed. We are now looking to the future together

Elliot POV.

Having paced around a little to collect my thoughts, still felt as if I hadn't reassured him that I was there for him and that he could trust me to stick by him.

I sit down in the chair opposite him leaning for wards; I clasp my hands together resting my elbows on my knees.

"Christian, it's not your fault that you were dealt a shit load of cards when you were a kid, and with hindsight it's easy to say that mom and dad should have been less scared of breaching your boundaries in not holding you especially when you needed comfort when you had nightmares. They didn't want to traumatize you more.

The shrinks you saw tended to shy away from getting you to overcome the problem. They should have recognised there was a way passed the issue when you didn't mind Mia touching you. If you had overcome that fear; you wouldn't have had as many problems in your teens. Hell! You would have most likely spent all your time behind the gym making out, trying to get to a home run.

Having got past that you wouldn't have been such easy pry for the abuser. But it is all what ifs. The unfortunately, the what ifs didn't happen, so you ended up being what you are.

But let me tell you something, bro. If you had seen mom, dad , Mia Taylor, Gail and me, when we waited for news after your helicopter crash, you would realise that we would rather have you alive with all your shit than dead and out of our lives altogether. Do you understand?"

He looks up at me, his eyes fill with tears; he looks so woebegone, not the CEO at all, like defeated child. He closes his eyes, and swallows deeply, trying to regain his composure. Taking a deep sighing breathe

"I think so. Can I have another drink?"

"Sure I think we both need one, do you want food?"

"No I should get home; Ana will be waiting on dinner for me"

"No don't go, I'll phone Ana and tell her we are having true confessions here. Then we'll carry on and get this mess out of the way that is if you want to tell me how you and Ana got back together and engaged."

He thinks for a while, "Ok, let's get it out of the way"

So we take a little time out; I phone Ana, she understands, and she is very pleased that Christian is talking to me. Christian raids the 'fridge finding cheese, pastrami and crackers in a box in the cupboard. He makes coffee for us. And so we settle down again.

Christian goes on to tell me about the aftermath following his punishing Ana with the belt.

"Afterwards, I felt so proud of her she had been really brave for me; I tried to hold her but she pushed me away, _this is what you like? Me, like this?_ She is angry and crying.

"I'm trying to work it out and the truth of the matter I enjoyed hitting her. I'd always enjoyed metering out a well deserved punishment; it gives me an all time high. It's the way I am.

As she had not safe worded. I assumed she had been fine with it too. I tried to talk to her but she wasn't having it, she told me I needed to sort my shit out and that I was one fucked up son of a bitch ran out of the room.

"I just stood there not knowing what to do. Finally, I go to her room.

" I should say, that normally my subs didn't sleep with me in my bed; three reasons, firstly it kept the distance that a Dom/ sub relationship needed and secondly I didn't want them inadvertently touching me and thirdly it wouldn't have been good for my persona for a sub to witness me having a nightmare. So they were always given one of the guest rooms upstairs to sleep in. having said that, Ana and I had always slept together. I always sleep well when she is with me and I don't have nightmares. But, she still had a room of her own.

"When I get to her room she is curled up in bed crying uncontrollably. So I get in beside her and just hold her, I didn't know what else to do.

Eventually she stops crying and we just lay there for ages. After some time elapses I plead with her not to hate me. She tells me she is sorry for what she said. I tell her she only told me the truth. And that I'm sorry I hurt her."

Christian pauses to take a drink and gather his thoughts.

"I really came to my senses and realise that I'm no good for her; I'm too selfish, my own needs coming before hers. I had forgotten just how inexperienced she was. My extreme needs being more than she could take and yet I'd gone blithely on instead of following my gut instinct and taking things slowly.

"Then she surprised me by saying she doesn't think she can be everything I want her to be.

But Elliot, she is everything I want her to be and I tell her so.

But she told me she doesn't understand, she is not obedient and I can be sure as hell she is not going to let me do that to her again. And I'd told her that was what I needed.

"At this point Elliot, my world starts falling apart as I realise she is leaving me and I told her I should let her go, am not good for her. Almost crying again she tells me she doesn't want to go.

"I tell her I don't want her to leave me and that I have come alive since she came into my life.

Then she says "Me to, I've fallen in with you Christian."

"But that's not right, I told her.

She can't love a depraved fucked up man like me. She deserves better; no one should love me. Love only comes to good deserving people like mom and dad they are kind giving people. Ana deserves a purer love, the kind of love I in all my fucked up ness can't give her. No it's just wrong.

"She asks me why it's so wrong. I told her I can't make her happy. She says I do make her happy.

I said not at the moment, doing the things I want to do. She looks so miserable as she realises we could never get past that. I had to agree with her, I wished that I could but, that way of life was so much a part of me I used derive so much pleasure in my playroom, having a submissive who does everything I say, when I say and derive as much pleasure in being beaten as I do giving a beating.

"And I knew Ana could never, ever come to terms with that side of me. And I could never be able to give her what she needs, love, and affection, hearts and flowers I just didn't have it in me."

So we agreed it would be the best for both of us if we parted."

"So she left? Wise girl" I say.

Listening to him telling me how he enjoyed beating/punishing his submissive I see just how deep Christian is into BDSM. The trouble is I really have a hard time imagining him being so brutal with anyone. I Know he is a hard headed businessman; he wouldn't have been as successful as he is otherwise. But there is the other side of him, the generous side I know that no member of our family will ever want for anything, he spoils Mia rotten he bought her a BMW sports car for her twenty first birthday and he gives her a monthly allowance. I just happened to mention that all the vehicles, I use in my construction business were on the verge and I needed to replace them. I get to my offices two days later and there they are. Now my business is thriving and I could easily afford to replace my vehicles but Christian wanted to get them for me for doing an excellent job building Grey House for him. He gives to quite a few charities, gives grants to the Farming Division at Washington State University for soil and crop research. He is as honest as the day is long he has been investigated by the IRS, FBI, and I wouldn't be surprised if the CIA hadn't been digging too. He bought a fucking shipyard in Seattle so he could build cargo ships to take food out to the starving people in Darfur for crying out loud.

And yet, underneath there is that dark sadistic core.

"How did it come about that you got together again, what changed?"

"I changed Elliot, as soon as, Taylor has taken her down in the elevator to take her home. I knew I had made a mistake. After the elevator doors closed I fell on my knees and cried like a baby, and I thought I could feel my heart breaking.


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm sorry I didn't update last night but we were celebrating my grand daughters 21****st**** birthday and, well you know the old champagne got the better of me.**

**Please keep the reviews coming they are the driving force in keeping me focused. Thankyou.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not profit**

Chapter 17.

Christian POV.

As I kneel there on the floor outside the elevator my mind takes me back, and I'm living my nightmare; the pain in my chest and back is excruciating, my mother is doing nothing to help she is walking away, leaving me with pain and torture. I try to call out to her, but I have no words, the words are gone.

I become aware of a familiar voice talking to me from a distance; "Mr Grey, Christian please step inside."

I feel firm hands on my upper arms as someone guides me into the lounge. I become aware that it is Taylor who is holding me, directing me to the couch to sit down. I'm a watching the scene as from a distance, vaguely aware of my surroundings. My heart is pounding, I'm suffocating I can't breathe properly with the tight band around my chest.

A shaking hand puts a glass to my lips, the sharp, burning liquid courses down inside my chest causing me to gasp and cough. Taking a deep breath I recover some of my senses and I begin to realise, that someone is sitting besides me rubbing my back, but instead of it soothing me, it is causing horrific pain.

I pull away "Get. Off. Me. "I manage to say my words are hoarse and strained. And the hand disappears along with the pain.

As sense returns I see Taylor, Gail and Dr Flynn all with concerned faces watching me closely. It is Flynn who was rubbing my back. Now he has his hand on my knee,

"Christian, "he says quietly at first, and then because he has not got a response from me, his voice takes a louder sharper tone," Christian! Look at me."

I look at Flynn, and stand I realise that I am still dressed in the pyjama pants and tee shirt I wore to bed and its daylight the sun is shining through the glass walls of my apartment, what's he doing here? I ask myself. Do I have an appointment with him? I'm not sure. My head is still reeling and the tightness I feel in my chest is still causing me to breathe heavily. I start towards my bedroom. "Where are you going Christian?" asks Flynn standing with me.

I can only manage one word "Shower" with difficulty. If I can do anything at the moment, it is to follow my routine of showering and dressing I must do that, I must _do that!_

As I walk to my bed room I can hear people talking in hushed tones, but I can tell what they are saying. Their voices are coming to me through a haze.

The haze stays with me as does the breathlessness; I shower and dress in shirt, boxer briefs and jeans. My hands are shaking so it is difficult fastening buttons and zipping the fly on the jeans. As I come out of my closet I have to lean against the door frame to catch my breath and then I see it; a small box on my pillow on the bed. I sit on the bed, reaching for the box, there is a small piece of note paper on top; _"This reminds me of a happy time. Thankyou Love Ana x" _and the realisation of what has happened comes back to me. I grab hold of the box; itis a kit to build a model of a Blahnik L23 glider. I roll myself in to a ball on the clasping the box to my chest, I can hear a groaning sound, I realise that it is me.

Hours, minutes later; I jostled from my misery by Flynn, "You need to stop this Christian, I want you to sit up and come back into the lounge. Mrs Jones has made you some coffee and we need to talk."

I take a deep shuddering breath, sit up and obediently follow him into the lounge. Flynn takes my arm and guides me to the couch and I sit. Mrs Jones brings me a beaker of coffee, she looks worried and pale; I see Taylor hovering in the back ground he too looks concerned, a slight frown creasing his forehead. What have I done?

"Do you think you can tell me what has happened to you?" Flynn says looking me directly in the eye.

I don't know if the words will come, my throat and chest feels so constrained, and I'm still breathing heavily.

"Ok," says Flynn calmly, "try and takes some deep breaths. Good, now close your eyes for a moment, breath deeply and relax your shoulders. Very good, now drink a little" his voice is quiet and calm almost hypnotic and he steadies my cup as with trembling hands I take a drink. I manage to drink a little and find that my breathing is easier though my hands are still shaking.

"Can you speak, Christian?"

I hold up one hand, in a give me a minute gesture. I take another deep breath with my eyes closed and when I open them the world is clearer and the mist has lifted. My breathing is still ragged and I feel as though I could cry I grit my teeth in an effort to speak, gulping, I manage," She left me John,"

"I know Christian. Can you tell me what happened and then we will see if we can fix it"

"I don't think I can fix it. She is better off without me" I whisper.

"Tell me what happened."

I look around and see Mrs. Jones and Taylor hovering near the breakfast bar. And the thought occurs to me that I can't let my staff see me like this, a wreak of a man, out of control because the only person I've ever loved has walked out of my life forever. I look at them and mange to say in a fairly firm voice, "I'm ok you can leave us now. I'll call you when Dr Flynn, is ready to leave." They look at John for confirmation he nods and they disappear into the staff quarters.

It took me a long time to relate to John the events of the morning. He listens sympathetically, nodding occasionally, now and then rubbing my upper arm. All the time I am talking I hold the kit box turning it over and over again in my hands

"It's for the best John." I sigh as I finish.

"Why do you think that, what makes you so sure that it's for the best, that you cannot be reconciled with Ana?"

I close my eyes, and shake my head. Looking at him directly, "John, I'm a sadist, I can't live my life without hurting women for pleasure, Ana can't live that way and I can't give her what she deserves, I'm just not capable; fucked up people like me don't deserve to be loved."

"How many times do I have to tell you? You. Are. Not. A. sadist. You have a conscience, you feel remorse. Even your contracts and rules show that you set limitations to your sexual sadism. And sexual sadism is a way of life not a disease. If you were an alcoholic or drug dependant you could stop, change your way of life and the same applies to your more extreme tendencies." he sounds almost exasperated.

"And I tell you John, it's too late for me. I am too set in my ways. I know what works for me; well, I need it, without it I have no control over my self"

"What utter nonsense, you are a young man of twenty seven; you sound as though you are eighty. And even eighty years old have been known to change. Christian, believe me you can change, you just need to be brave and take the plunge. I know and so you do you, that you, yes you Christian, are, capable of loving someone. Other wise you would not be feeling as devastated as you do. You would not be having panic attacks, and wandering out on to a balcony thirty stories high and causing Mrs. Jones to call me because she doesn't know what you are going to do next; while Taylor drags you back inside because he thinks you might jump.

"You have lived under Elena Lincoln's edict that a BDSM life is all you are worthy of. She has you brainwashed into believing that love is for fools. She has controlled your every action, thought and feeling since you where fifteen. Was it her suggestion that you show Ana the extremes of your being her Dom would entail, right from the beginning instead taking things slow and steady as you intended to do? I'll bet you my next fee she did."

And he is right I did follow her lead, and look where I am now? Back in a dark place, a place Ana filled with light and hope, and all I can see is an empty void filled with loneliness and heartache.


	18. Chapter 18

**Please keep the reviews coming they are the driving force in keeping me focused, Thankyou.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not profit**

Chapter 18.

Elliot POV.

It seemed to me that once Christian started talking it was the opening of the floodgate for all the angst he had held inside of him for many years. The torment of keeping his darkest secrets hidden from us must have at times been unbearable. I know he had deep regard for our mom, he looked on her as his saviour and he adored her. It was because of that adoration that even after telling me about his life, he would never really want her to know. So by the same token he would never want dad to know either. It looks like I have been elected as prime secret keeper; and out of respect to him I will do that.

I won't abandon him; yes I am shocked by his revelation, it has sent my head reeling, but I'm not abhorred by this knowledge. I find that the more he tells me the more intrigued I become. Now he telling me about the despair and pain he went through after Ana had left him; it seems to me for a while there, he regressed back to his childhood. And I apart from John Flynn and the bitch Elena Lincoln, I am the only person who knows the person inside Christian.

Christian POV.

Flynn continues, "I wonder if it has ever occurred to you, that things might have been different if Elena had seduced you in a more gentle way, that you might be in a different place than you are right now" it seems that John doesn't understand,

"Elena gave me the firm hand I needed. Stopped me drinking and doing drugs, she saved me"

"But what if she had seduced you with love and affection rather than the extremely harsh physical pain and loveless mechanical sex. She would know about your touch issues, your haphephobia, from your mother. No doubt she could have found a loving way to deal with touching you, if she had been so inclined. I'm sure as a vulnerable hormonal fifteen year old desperate for sex she could have offered other incentives to stop you drinking and taking drugs. Yet she chose to make you her BDSM slave, even though you were legally under age, this says more about her needs than yours. Let me guess, she was abused as a child, was her marriage a happy one?"

"I don't think so, she was a trophy wife. I'm sure she and her husband shared the life style."

"Then in turn she physically and mentally abused you, a vulnerable fifteen years old, harshly canning and whipping you right from the start. I believe that this is not normally acceptable in the BDSM community. Don't you see a pattern emerging here, Christian? Over time she has you influenced into believing that the extreme, BDSM sexual relationship, the one you keep secret from your family and friends, is possible for you. Thus she continues to control and influence you even after all these years. Making her virtually your only confidant."

"I hadn't thought of it that way" I admit. I really had thought of Elena as a true friend. Her advice had always seemed sound to me.

"Don't you think it is time you broke that cycle of abuse, and let go of the more extreme aspect of your lifestyle?"

"John, I've already said it's too late for me to change" he glares at me.

"And, I've already told you, it is not! If you want a relationship with a girl who says she loves you and that you love her there is a way forward if only you will embrace it"

I snort, "You're not going to go on about SFBT crap again are you?"

"As a matter of fact, I am, Solution, focused, brief therapy, could work for you. You have rejected it in the past and avoided confronting your demons and letting go of your anger at your birth mother. You were four years old and wouldn't fully understand the reasons for her ending up the way she did. However painful it might be for you, it is time to move forwards."

"None of this matters now because Ana has broken up with Me." as I say this, the words stab at my very being, she's gone. But, is there a way forwards, John thinks so."

I don't see how I can. And anyway Ana probably want to be with me, she is better off not being involved with me."

"Oh lets be defeated before we start shall we Christian?" John mutters sarcastically. I glare at him.

"Tell me Christian are you prepared to take Ana's feeling into consideration? You tell me that Ana didn't mind being in the playroom that she enjoyed some of the more erotic sexual activities, and even the plain vanilla sex was very agreeable to both of you. It seems to me you are very compatible with one another. It is your harsh more painful aspects that she can not abide. Let me tell you Christian, most people don't enjoy pain. It is only people who are into the BDSM life style who enjoy inflicting or receiving pain for pleasure. In your case, you were forced into the lifestyle and brainwashed into believing it was the only way." he leans forward in his chair looking me squarely in the eye and urges me

"What have you got to lose, nothing; but you can gain a warm loving relationship that will give you a lifetime of pleasure if only you are brave enough to take the first steps"

Perhaps, just maybe I _can do this._ "I'm in so much misery at the moment John; I think I would do anything to take the pain away. But where do I start? I have no means of contacting her; she left her laptop and blackberry on my desk when she left.

"Why did she do that?" John asks,

"Because I had bought them for her and she didn't want anything that reminded of me, she left her car too."

"How was she when she left?"

"Very distant, cold almost. She wouldn't let me kiss her goodbye, even though we had mutually agreed it was for the best"

"I am sure a man with all your resources can find a way of getting in touch with her. Look Christian; I want you to really think about what you are prepared to do. Ana cares for you and I'm sure this break up is as hard for her as it is for you. Give her a little time to get her thoughts in order. Then perhaps in a day or to you will have found a way of contacting her and be able to persuade her to see you so you can talk. But be prepared to make changes radical changes in your thinking. I have to go now, "He says looking at his watch, "I have to lunch with the mother in law, and I really do want to see my children sometime today. I will come again in the morning and we can see what conclusions you have reached. And perhaps you can show me your playroom"

I grin at him" are you just trying to bump up your fee, or are you thinking of taking up the BDSM life style. There is a hidden Dom in most of us you know"

"If there is, it's buried very deep in me Christian" he says.

Taylor shows him out and Gail comes into the lounge. She looks at me speculatively; seeing that I am in a better frame of mind she looks relieved. "Would you like some lunch Mr Grey?"

I am in my study for the rest of the day, thoughts buzzing around my head as I build the glider Ana bought me. It would only have cost a few dollars, but because Ana bought it; it means the world to me.

Elliot,

It has taken us well into the evening for Christian to relate this painful episode. We have both been on a helter skelter ride of emotions. Christian is considering going home but I want him to carry on and get the whole painful memory out of his system and I think that if he stops talking now I will never know how he and Ana got to the stage where they are now, engaged to be married!

Everything seemed to have happened so quickly within couple of weeks while Kate and I have been away, I need to get my head around it all so I persuade him to call Ana and explain what is going on, and stay the night. I phone for take out meal to be delivered. So, over a Chinese and a few more beers Christian continues his tale, tale! More like a Shakespearian tragedy.

Christian.

Late in the afternoon, my blackberry buzzes, I automatically pick it up and not looking at the caller id I answer, "Grey" its Elena.

"Hello Christian, how are you dear? Voice is sweet and silky. I don't think I want to hear it today.

"Oh not so bad, you know"

"Well I just called to see how you got on in Georgia. Was your new little sub pleased to see you?"

For some reason her tone irritates me.

"Not so good, we broke up" I say sadly.

"Oh I am sorry dear, why?" she doesn't sound sorry.

"Well, if you must know, I took your advice and she couldn't take it, so thanks very much for that Elena." I say tersely.

"I did warn you Christian. That taking on a girl who isn't into the scene is risky. I'll find a new sub for you next week. One who will appreciate your needs better"

I don't answer straight away, Flynn's words come back to me,_ even now after all these years she still controls and manipulates you. _Is he right? Elena sounds almost pleased; or is it just the way I'm feeling at this moment.

"You don't need to bother Elena, I don't want another sub."

"Christian," she is commanding, "You know how you get when your needs aren't fulfilled properly"

"Well we'll see Elena, but not yet"

"Oh for goodness sake Christian, you aren't missing the little gold digger are you? You are not still thinking that you're in love with her are you? I've told you love is not for you, you have needs that only the life style I have taught you can satisfy"

I have had enough, "Goodbye Elena" and I press the off button. Fuck off Elena.

That night my nightmare returns and as I wake up sweating and shaking something occurs to me. The belt the pimp had used to beat me with as a child; I have one exactly like it in the playroom. It was the one I had used to punish Ana with. It was not part of my dream; I remember it being the same.


	19. Chapter 19

**Please keep the reviews coming they are the driving force in keeping me focused, Thankyou.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not profit**

**A/N It appears that whilst writing last nights chapter, I have inadvertently, written material similar to someone else's story. This was entirely unintentional and for which I apologise sincerely. **

Chapter 19.

Christian, POV.

As I realise the significance of the belt in my dream, I realise that the cycle of abuse shouldn't be perpetuated that I should think about my wanting to beat women out of anger.

I went up to the playroom and as I enter I begin to feel as I was suffocating I grew cold and clammy my and the pain and tightness I had felt yesterday was returning, this was where Ana had been beaten, by me. What a stupid fuck I am. I manage to grab the belt before almost running out of the room locking it behind me.

I make myself some coffee, it's very early in the morning about four, and I sit and play my piano.

Playing the piano has always been therapeutic for me; I can think while I am playing. The music I play is not consciously thought out, but what I do play often reflects my inner feelings. Today I find I am playing Metamorphosis Two, repeatedly.

As I play I come to the conclusion that I could not subject anyone to that part of me again, least of all Ana if I were lucky enough to get her back into my life.

And I want her back so badly, we've only been apart a day and I feel as though part of me is missing. I realise that, what I called obsession, the stalking, getting background checks, going to see her at her place of work, and especially; the remorse I felt after I had told her I was not the man for her after the coffee date. I convinced myself that I wanted her as my sub .and nothing else. Because I was so caught up in the BDSM scene I never let myself think of an alternative. But I could see her face, all the time, the memory of her tripping in my office frequently coming into my mind. I couldn't accept that I had fallen in love because people like me didn't fall in love.

Now it was time to change, to allow myself to be in love and to get _my_ girl back.

Ana had come to me willingly, I had not forced her into my bed, and we had not filled out a contract that said she was to give her virginity to me. She had come to Escala fully prepared for me to be her first; a girl doesn't do that unless she feels something for the guy, does she?

So by time the Flynn visits later in the morning, I am ready for him to help me get Ana back. I refuse to show him the playroom because I don't want another panic attack, I need to think clearly and positively what my strategy is going to be. And I haven't a fucking clue!

Elliot and I sit talking for hours, I'm glad he has persuaded me to stay and finish the story because I need to get it all out. Ana, I know will be happy that I have Elliot to talk to. She has always been concerned that I don't have a friend to talk and confide in, like she does with Kate. Girl talk, well I used to talk to Elliot when we were kids so here I am with my friend and he is supporting me through all this. I know that I have shaken him up with my revelations but he is standing by me.

I show Flynn the belt and tell him of its significance why I had sub consciously bought and used that particular belt.

"So what are you going to do with it now, throw it away? Keep it has a reminder, when you feel you are slipping into Dom mode just what effect it had on your life?"

"What do you think I should do? I'm tempted to just to burn it along with my past"

"How much of your past life are you thinking of giving up, Christian?"

"All of it, if that is what it will take to get Ana back."

Flynn shakes his head, "Slow down now you don't want to make promises you cannot keep."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you need to talk to Ana, really talk. From what you have told me there aspects of your sex life that Ana too enjoys with you. That it is the harsh punishments that Ana cannot come to terms with. You need to, what is the term? Define the hard limits."

He is right, of course there are some of the more erotic activities Ana enjoyed too and I'm sure she would want to continue explore her sensuality with me. So when we talk I have to compromise so that both our needs are satisfied. I don't have to give it all up; I do, however, have to define her hard limits.

But first, we need to meet in order for us to talk.

"So how do I go about meeting with her John, I can't just walk into her Seattle Independent Publishing and say Hello, can I."

John thinks about this for a moment, "is that where she works?"

"Yes she starts working there on Monday "

"And she doesn't have her laptop or Blackberry? What about a cell phone does she have one of those?"

"Yes but all her calls are transferred to the Blackberry."

"Well Christian, I'm sure you can find a way with all of your resources' to contact her."

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "What?" he asks sharply

"Well actually, I've, err, bought SIP, so I suppose, I can find out her email address" I rub my nose.

"Why on earth did you buy SIP, is this a new venture you are exploring, broadening your empire?" he sounds incredulous but I think he knows why I bought it.

"Not really; I bought it because I want Ana to be safe. I want to be sure that the people she is working with are ok. I will run background checks on them all"

"And don't you think Ana will think that she got her job because of your influence?"

"No. because Ana doesn't know that I have bought it. I didn't buy it until after she had got the job. She'll get established on her own merit. I will just upgrade the security systems, to keep her safe."

"Part of your need to be in control, I suppose." he says sardonically. "Well I suggest you give her a day or two to settle in then you can make contact. You could test the waters a bit by, say, sending some flowers tomorrow evening, to her apartment; with a card saying you hoped she had a good first day at work . I have no doubt you have security surveillance in the area keeping an eye on her and they will be able to tell you whether she just threw them in the trash." he gives me a little rueful smile.

He knows me too well; yes I did ask Taylor to put a watch on Ana. Even though we are not together, with Kate being away with Elliot she is alone in the apartment.

I took Flynn's advice and with the help of Mrs Jones I sent two dozen white roses, they symbolise new beginnings and purity. _She didn't throw them in the trash! _Yes!

But I didn't know how to proceed from there, until Wednesday, when Ana's Blackberry, pings with an incoming call, it's that fucker José Rodriguez. What the hell does he want?

He wants to know if Ana is still going to his photo exhibition. I tell him that Ana isn't available but I'll get her to call him.

Now I don't like this guy, he was forcing his attention on Ana the night she drunk dialled me in Portland, then just left her for me, practically a stranger, to look after her. So apart from coming on to my girl, I could have been an axe murderer for all he knew. But I remembered, Ana had asked me to go with her to his show. She was friendly with him and being loyal to her friend Ana would want to go. So the perfect opportunity to meet up with her, if I play my cards right.

Now Barney, my IT geek had hacked into Sip's computer system to test its security on behalf of GEH as I was taking over, buying it out. It was pathetic, as was all the security at SIP. Totally inadequate; it would all have to be updated once the agreements had been signed. As it stood it was comparatively easy for me to send Ana an email;

From: Christian Grey.

Subject: tomorrow

Date: June 8 2011 14:04.

To Anastasia Steel

Dear Anastasia,

Forgive this intrusion at work. I hope it is going well.

Did you get my flowers?

I note that tomorrow is the gallery opening of your friends show. I am sure you have not had time to purchase a car and it's a long drive.

I would be more than happy to take you-should you wish.

Christian Grey.

CEO. Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc.

Then I wait, and wait. My palms are sweating and my heart is about to leap out of my chest I'm so anxious. Till finally;

From Anastasia Steel.

Subject: Tomorrow.

Date: June 8. 2011 14: 24

To: Christian Grey.

Hello Christian.

Thankyou for the flowers they are lovely.

Yes I would appreciate a ride.

Thankyou.

Anastasia Steel

Assistant to Jack Hyde.

Commissioning Editor SIP

I'm really happy that my office doesn't have glass in the doors as I high five around the room YES!

I type out a response asking what time the show starts and wait again with bated breath until at last she emails back to tell me the show starts at 7:30. I answer that I will pick her up at 5:45.

So I spend nearly all the rest of the afternoon setting up my campaign plan.

Arrange for Taylor to take me to SIP then to Escala. Check.

Call Stephan to have my helicopter on standby on helipad at Escala. Check.

Have Taylor drive down to Portland with Stephan so he can bring helicopter back. Check.

Find suitable place to dine in Portland. Check .

Have Taylor drive Ana and I back to Seattle. Check.

Go to Apple store and buy iPad for Ana. Check.

Then I spend all evening down loading music onto iPad. I'm hoping that what I can't say in words I can convey in music. Then it's a waiting game again until tomorrow. I hope I can pull this off.


	20. Chapter 20

**Please keep the reviews coming they are the driving force in keeping me focused, Thankyou.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not for profit.**

Chapter 20.

Elliot. POV

I will not pretend that Christian's admission didn't shock me; because it did profoundly. And yet I cannot condemn his life style. I understand now why he has lived that way. It seemed that the whole of his life he has been abused one way or another.

Elena Lincoln is mostly to blame by seducing him, teaching him, the BDSM. Manipulating him so he believed that was the only way for him to be in control of himself and his life. He didn't have a choice. Because of his self loathing, "I must be bad because my mother didn't defend me, she abandoned me" he felt he deserved to be punished. No therapist has ever been able to dispel those feelings he keeps hidden away in his subconscious mind.

Christian has never had a "normal" relationship with a girl. Yes he has had sex with many women, but it was the harsh, mechanical, soulless sexual gratification that Elena had indoctrinated him to.

He never "made out", never flirted never had to give a girl a come on wink or a smile. The sort of tricks a guy learns in high school. Christian couldn't do that because of fear of being touched and he never liked or trusted a girl enough to tell her of his fears. He was far too afraid of being rejected.

He may know a thousand ways to bring a girl mind blowing organism; but he knows nothing about how a woman ticks. He has been used to his subs doing what he says, when he says, any disobedience or deviation from his rules would earn them a punishment. And ok, the subs liked it that way. That's what they were contracted to do, a safe, sane agreement between two consenting adults. Emotion or romance didn't for one minute enter the equation; any signs from the girls that they had feelings for him would end the contract.

Christian says the subs where there to satisfy a need in him as necessary as eating and drinking, nothing more.

When Ana came into his life, he couldn't think about her the same way as the subs; although it was his intention to have her as his sub when he first met her. There was just something about her that triggered off feelings he hadn't felt before and didn't understand what they meant or how to act upon. He knew it was wrong for him to introduce Ana to that world. She was too young, too innocent; that's way he let her go after the coffee date. But letting her go didn't stop the way he was feeling about her. He must have been so confused and out of his depth. And that I think was why he decided to confide in me. He needed a friend, not an ex Dom, and not a shrink; a friend. And I really do think that I was the nearest person he could trust not to turn away from him not to blab to mom and dad, not to abandon him.

I don't know if Christian will ever tell mom and dad the full extent of his relationship with Elena; that is up to him. I certainly wouldn't/couldn't betray his trust. And besides, I did some research on line into BDSM and some of the soft limits look very enticing. Perhaps I'll be able, some time in the future persuade Christian to show me his playroom.

A/N Now really that could be an end to my tale. I have an epilogue in mind that looks into the future. Do you think I should try and extend it into a few more chapters?

I really need your input so, reviewers and followers please let me know. If you want to write as a guest you could always PM me.


	21. Chapter 21

**Thankyou; for all your reviews and encouragement to carry on so I will write a few more chapters. Can't guarantee a nightly update but I will do my best.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not for profit.**

Chapter 21.

Christian POV.

It is such a relief to tell Elliot about my secret life. I feel a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders; a weight I didn't realise I was carrying. To know that he doesn't condemn the way I have lived and that he is still with me fills me with a warm comfortable feeling I have rarely felt, I trust and feel safe with him.

He still wants to know how I managed to get back with Ana. I know what he says is true I am a stupid fucker and Ana had every right to leave me but her doing that made me realise as nothing else could have done. _I love her!_ I can't see my life going on without her. And I miss her so much it hurts. If she hadn't left I don't think I would ever have come to this conclusion; I most likely carried on with the extreme punishments until I finally broke her spirit. I wouldn't have realised that I too wanted "more" until it was too late and Ana, out of love for me, would have been a shell of what she is now.

It's true when they say, "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." I have found out what I had missing from my life someone who could take me away from the dark path I was on and lead me into the light. Where there was pleasure, real pleasure, in making love; and not having cold, emotionless sex as a way of relieving a physical need.

So, tonight I am on a mission, a mission to broker the best deal of my life. I don't know if Ana will agree to my terms, but I am going out there with every trick in the book to get her back with me. I have never had to woo a woman, to do the hearts and flowers thing so I am going in to battle with very little ammunition except my love for her.

When she comes out of SIP, the first thing I notice about her is that she looks so thin and pale ill in fact. What has she done to herself? As she steps into the SUV, I feel angry, so with as much tact as a bull in a china shop, instead of saying hello, I snap at her "When did you last eat?"

She replies Hello Christian, nice to see you too"

Still charging through the china shop, "I don't want your smart mouth. You look as though you have lost at least five pounds" I chide. She was slim before but now she is too thin, has she not eaten at all these past five days? "Answer me when did you last eat?"

"Mm I had a yogurt at lunch time, and oh, a banana" she says evasively.

There is a guy at the entrance to SIP waving to her "Who's that" I demand.

"That's my boss, Jack Hyde."

So that's the boss, I've read his profile, I don't like what I've read and I don't like what I see.

"So when did you last have a proper meal?"

"Really Christian, it's none of your concern" She is getting irritated now.

_This is a really good start Grey, cool it_

I sigh, "Everything you do concerns me Anastasia. Well your last meal?"

"Dinner with you last Friday" she says rolling her eyes. Then we look at each other and smile.

"How are you?" I ask. I've stopped charging around the china shop as I realise, she has been hurting too.

"If I told you I was fine, I'd be lying" she replies sadly her voice catches and tears fill her eyes. She looks down at her hands wringing them together in her lap

"Me too, I've missed you so much." I confess sorrowfully. Reaching over and grasping her hand

"Christian-I "

"Ana, please. We need to talk" I say softly

"Christian, I've cried so much.-nothings changed, I can't be what you want me to be." she whispers

"Oh, baby, "and I can't say anymore. I unbuckle her seat belt and pull her into my arms. This is where she belongs, and it feels so good holding her, smelling her hair, her perfume, having her body so close to mine again.

We ride like that until Taylor stops the car outside Escala. He opens the door for us and we climb out.

"About nine?" I say to Taylor.

"Very good, sir." he says giving Ana a smile and nod of greeting. Yes he has missed her too, she makes the boss a nicer person to work with and he has been hell on wheels this week. He will be keeping his fingers crossed that I don't fuck up. He likes a quiet life does Taylor and he doesn't want to loose his job if he has to punch me for being so stupid.

As we board the elevator I feel the familiar tingle of electricity that always passes between us I look down at Ana, and I can see from her blush, she feels it too. "Oh my" she whispers.

"I feel it too" my heart racing with desire for her.

We look intensely at each other until the elevator pings announcing our arrival on the roof top helipad.

I pilot Charlie Tango to Portland and we enjoy watching the sun setting over Seattle as we fly. But we are both tense and the conversation is terse. I tell her I'll take her for dinner at the Space Needle. She reminds me we have broken up. I tell her I can still feed her and she scowls at me.

I tell her I want her back and she says-nothing. Just turns her head away looking out of the cockpit window.

For the most part of the evening we are rather distant with each other we are both aware that there are things that need to be said; but we are in a public place and keep it civil.

Jose is so pleased to see Ana and can't resist pulling her into a bear hug and kissing her cheek. I want to rip his arms off I am so jealous. My jealousy is increased when I see the seven huge portraits of Ana that he has taken; and it is very clear to me that he has deep feelings for her. He has captured her very essence in these photos, they are so intimate she could be nude; yet they are just of her face, in black and white. Quite stunning. I buy them all. No one else is going to ogle at her but me.

When I tell Ana this she calls me a pervert, well I can't argue with her there. I tell her I would like to see her that relaxed and happy when she is with me. Then she tells me that I'll have to stop intimidating her if I want that. I reply sharply, telling her that she has to learn to communicate with me and tell me how she feels.

She glared at me "Christian, you wanted me as a submissive, that's where the problem lies. I wasn't supposed to look at you, not talk to you, unless you gave me permission. I was supposed to be compliant and obedient. What do you expect?" she hisses.

Her clear assessment makes me blink. I had entered a contractual agreement and fallen in love. That was something I never expected to do.

I knew from the start that Ana was different, but I never, not for a moment, expected to fall in love with her or, expected her to fall in love with me!

We need to get out of here, I need to feed her she looks so pale she has dark shadows under her lovely blue eyes and I can see she is almost in tears again. And I can tell she is exhausted.

As I am about to tell her to say goodbye to Jose, a photographer from The Portland Printz recognises me and asks for a photo. Why not? The guy was polite and asked, and anyway, why not announces it to the world that Ana and I are together?

I practically boil over when as Ana is saying goodbye to Jose he grabs her around her waist in a hug, _and she returns it kissing him soundly!_ Now I know she is just trying to wind me up make me jealous, proving her independence but if I don't get out of here soon I'm gonna hit someone.

I drag her out of the gallery, and around the corner into an alley, and there, I kiss her with every part of my being and she responds. All the pain and heartache is expressed in that kiss. And I can feel my heart bursting open with love and desire for Ana,_ my Ana!_


	22. Chapter 22

**Thankyou; for all your reviews and encouragement to carry on so I will write a few more chapters. Can't guarantee a nightly update but I will do my best.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not for profit.**

Chapter 22

Christian.

I was so pleased that I had thought to have Taylor drive down to Portland with Stephan. Stephan is to fly Charlie Tango back to Seattle and for Taylor to drive Ana and me back home. The tension between us was tangible all evening and the opportunity to have a frank discussion was nil. We spent most of the time sniping at each other all through dinner. I suspect it was mostly my fault; I was so stressed out, I wasn't feeling at all confident in my arguments to get Ana back in my life. There was, however, one question I needed to ask.

"Ana, why didn't you safe word?"

" I don't know, " she says after a pause, "I was overwhelmed, trying to be what you wanted me to be, trying to deal with the pain and it went out of my head…you know, I forgot"

"You forgot!" I exclaim shocked. I grabbed the sides of the table horrified. We went through hell last week because she forgot to safe ward!

"How can I trust you, ever" I trusted her to follow the rules, I reminded her time and time again. How could she do that?

"I'm sorry." Sorry? Sorry for what? Not using a safe word? That it's not going to work between us? That she's leaving me?

"For not using the safe word" she says quietly.

Maybe there's hope after all.

"We might have avoided all this suffering"

"You look alright "

"Appearances can be deceptive, Anastasia, I've felt as if the sun hasn't risen for five days that I have been in perpetual night. You said you would never leave and yet the going gets tough and you are out the door" I say my voice cracking.

She looks at me in surprise.

"When did I say I'd never leave?"

"In your sleep, it was the most comforting thing I ever heard. You said you loved me has all that now changed?" I'm looking directly into her blue eyes, holding my breath, my body tense.

"My feelings for you haven't changed, Christian," she says softly looking back at me, "But the facts remain, I cannot be what you want me to be and you, you don't have it in you to give me what I want, you said so yourself."

The waiter brings our dinner at this point effectively calling a halt to our conversation. For now.

I'm considering what I have to tell her, my proposition I don't know how that will go down, but faint heart never won fair maiden and we have time on the drive back to Seattle. But first she needs to eat. I threaten to spank her here and now if she doesn't. She rolls her eyes at me and tells me to stow my twitchy palm and picking up her knife and fork finally starts to eat.

We settle into a more relaxed state as we eat.

When she has eaten all she can I call Taylor and tell him to come and pick us up. I help Ana into the car then have a word with Taylor. I know Ana will talk more freely if she thinks we are not being overheard. I know Taylor will not compromise his hearing whilst he is driving, but if he puts his ear buds in Ana will relax thinking that he is listening to music.

I to get Ana to finally tell me that the whips and canes scare her to death and no way will she ever be able to tolerate my using them. I have an epiphany at this moment; I could never, ever hurt her again that way again!

I tell her that I want to us start again. And she has to tell me what she wants from our relationship, just plain vanilla without any kinky fuckery.

"Kinky fuckery! I can't believe you said that," she squeaks amazed.

"Well I did," I say emphatically

"I quite like the kinky fuckery" she blushes and that puts a smile on my face

"I thought so. What don't you want?"

"The threat of punishment and I don't want to live by a set of rules. You don't seem to understand, Christian, and I appreciate why, but most people don't have rules, they live with mutual respect for each other.

"I love you Christian Grey and I want to be able to show you how much. I have come alive since I've met you, I want to be with you to touch you, and to hold you but you won't let me get near you.

"I tried so hard to please you, because I wanted to be with you. But I can't let you hurt me and I can't let you take my independence away.

"I have looked after myself for years; I have fed myself, clothed myself and even been safe driving myself, though you don't think so. I see my friends in cafes and bars, you know like normal kids do, I have fun and have never come to harm.

"The moment you came into my life you wanted to change me, you overwhelmed me barely giving me chance to breathe. I know you are used to having your subs saying "How high?" when you asked them to jump. But I can't be like that; I want to know what I am jumping for. I want to make my own decisions you know, like you do. You are not my dad, and you cannot control my actions as though you have the right. If you can allow me that Christian, we can start again. You have to take me the way I am warts and all"

I think this is the longest speech I have ever heard her speak; she says it with such sincerity and passion that it takes my breath away. I'm so used to controlling everything and everyone around me that I have not appreciated how overbearing I've been. And I see that it is this independent streak that attracts me she is not with me for what she can get out of me, but because she loves me, no strings attached.

"I understand and I'm sorry that I haven't understood before. But I've wanted you ever since you stepped in my office, and I think you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. So can we start again, do the vanilla thing and maybe when you trust me and I can trust you to be honest and communicate with me we can go on to do some of the things I like to do?"

"But what about punishment"

"No punishment" I'm not going to be that stupid again

"And no rules"

"No rules" I'll have to adapt because there are some rules she will have to comply with in order for me to keep her safe. They just won't be written down.

"But what about your needs?"

"I need you more Anastasia, these last few days have been hell, and I would go a long way not to feel like that again. My instincts tell me I'm no good for you and I should let you go; but I'm a selfish man, you are honest, beautiful, strong, and witty. I want you and need you and the thought of someone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul."

"You don't have a dark soul, sad maybe, but you are a good man. But I never know what you are thinking you are like an island state closed and untouchable. And I so want to touch you show you how much I love you. Please yes let us start again." she unbuckles her seat belt and climbs on my knee and fastening her arms around my neck kissing me. And its heaven just holding her close to me. "Touching is a hard limit for me" I tell her.

"I know, I just wish I knew why, perhaps one day you can tell me" she whispers.

Then I find myself telling her about my early life and my mother and the pimp. She just holds herself close to me. I'm telling her all this because I really do want her to understand.

And it seems that we are in agreement that we understand each other better now. And as we drive through the dark night she falls asleep on my lap and I hold her close and there is nowhere I would rather be and I could watch her sleep for hours.


	23. Chapter 23

**Thankyou; for all your reviews and encouragement.**

**I don't own any of the story or characters; this is loosely based on the books written by E. L. James, and used just for fun and not for profit.**

Chapter 23

Christian.

There is nothing I would have liked better than to climb into bed with Anastasia, and bury myself in her and forget all the pain and heartache we have gone through this past five days.

But it is late when we get back to Seattle, we are both exhausted and we both have to work tomorrow; and not wanting her to think that I only want her for sex, close second but not the only thing, I tell her I will pick her up tomorrow after work.

She tells me that her boss, Jack Hyde, has invited her to have a drink with him and the other staff after work; apparently it's something they do on a Friday. So I tell her to send me a text as to which bar they are going to and I'll meet her there.

I have packaged her lap top and Blackberry in a presentation box along with the iPad I have bought for her. I really hope she likes the music I have downloaded for her; there are a couple of songs that say exactly what I can't.

"The Scientist" by Cold Play.

"Lover, you should have come over" by Jeff Buckley.

Are two that I hope will tell her how sorry I am?

"Try" by Nellie Furtado. To tell her I'm sincere I am about wanting _more._

Plus some other music I know we both like. And an app for the British Library so she can read all her favourite classic books, plus I know she will roll her eyes at the Good Food app.

As we kiss goodnight, it's really hard to drag myself away she feels so good but having missed her so much, our reunion will be so much sweeter, tomorrow.

Ana sends me an email telling me she loves the iPad and she is going to sleep with the music that says it all for me. Goodnight can't wait until tomorrow. Ana x

The following evening cannot come soon enough and all day I am on a high. The staff at GEH, are watching me warily, after being a complete ogre all week, they can't understand the change in me.

Andrea, my PA, is speechless, when I tell her to make appointments, on me, for a spa day for herself and the intern, Olivia; the following day. I don't explain, but these two who have had to suffer my bad temper all week, and they deserve an apology, I hope they realise that's what I'm doing.

Taylor is also more relaxed today, but he does know what I've been going through and understands. Well I hope he does.

Over these past few weeks, since I met Ana he has been treading on hot coals not knowing what I'll be doing or where I'll be going next.

Taylor and I don't talk about my private life, at all, but he sees all and hears all and I'm sure he has felt at times like slapping my head just to make me see sense. In fact, I'm sure there is a brick wall some where he keeps banging his head against out of frustration. But he stays stoic, and impassive.

I have no doubt that he and Mrs. Jones talk in the privacy of the staff quarters at Escala; but it goes no further than that. Neither of them discusses my business with anyone else. I can live with that, after all, they are my personal staff at Escala and are privy to all my activities, so it's only natural they will talk to each other, being as close as they are.

I am aware of their close relationship, and I don't mind as they are both so professional and discreet. And really it's nothing to do with me.

The day drags and drags, the meeting I have to attend seem dull and boring and I am not the least focused on what is going on. Ros Bailey, my right hand girl, has to kick me under the table to get my attention when I'm asked the next move in acquiring the shipyard in Taiwan.

Later she asks me what the hell is the matter with me and tears me off a strip about loosing the contract if I'm not bloody careful. There is only Ros I would let get away with talking to me like that. So again I apologise and just brush her off by telling her I have something on my mind.

Ros has been with me since the beginning of GEH. She is loyal and trust worthy, and can and does at times when we have several deals going on, step into my shoes. Although I always have the last say in what ever deal we broker. She has been in the business longer than I so her advice has been invaluable.

When I was an arrogant little shit, as she has called me on numerous occasions, with no people skills, she set me straight. Especially about dealing with staff or the media.

I cannot do with the media, I just don't get why it is of any interest to any body what I do in my personal life. And that is why I'm going to have to get a close protection operative for Ana. Once they get wind of our relationship they will hound her to death. I know she won't like it but it's the drawback of being the girl friend of "Seattle's most eligible bachelor" as they have dubbed me, when they are not speculating whether I'm gay or not.

I have had Welsh, do a background check on all the employees at SIP all except one are sound. But Jack Hyde worries me, he has had several PA's over the years none of them staying long, why? Is he tough to work for? An exacting boss? Or and I suspect that he harasses them sexually as they have all been young graduates like Ana.

Now this may be just jealousy on my part, knowing that Ana is going to be working closely with him, but my gut rarely lies to me. So I'm going to keep a close eye on that fucker. And Welsh will dig deeper into his back ground.

And there's still the question of Leila still being on the loose. Welsh has found no trace of her so we are hoping that she has gone to ground and will leave me alone now.

At last it's time to go and collect Ana from the bar, ironically named "Fifty's". As I enter I see Ana is at the bar talking with a guy who is standing far too close to her and I can tell that his proximity is making her uncomfortable. She is trying to back off from him but he has her trapped against the bar. So Christian to the rescue; I manage to slip in beside an afro-American girl who is also talking with Ana and the guy and put my arm around her shoulders. "Hi baby".

The guy immediately backs off and glowers at me and I stare him down. He introduces himself as Ana's boss, telling me in his attitude he controls her.

Oh Mr. Hyde you don't know who you are dealing with here.

No one controls what is mine. "Come baby time to go," he invites me to stay and have a drink but I refuse saying we have plans, and we are out of there.

I see that evening that Ana has quite a temper, when she gets upset on learning that I am in the process of buying SIP. But it soon dissipates as the sexual pull takes over. And we have a wonderful erotic night together.

All in all we have a great weekend together despite the added stress of learning that Leila spoke to Ana as she was leaving work on Friday. So Welsh is able to track her using CCTV surveillance footage of the area. He sees her on there but she disappears into the crowd. He does, however, learn that she has acquired a gun permit. This really unsettles me as I don't now know if she is out to get me or Ana.

I insist that Ana comes back to Escala with me as it is easier to protect her there. Unfortunately in my desire to protect Ana I fail to tell her what is going on so, she is mad as hell that I am controlling her life.

It appears that there is a whole list of things that I have done today that has made Ana mad with me.

I put $24.000in her bank account when she tears up the check I gave her for her VW Beetle, when Taylor sold it for her. She wants me to take the money in exchange for the Audi I returned to her. She is mad that I have a detailed profile on her including her banking details.

I carried her over my shoulder like a Neanderthal when she refused to come to Escala with me.

I took her to one of Elena's salon to have her hair cut.

Now that was a mistake I just didn't think; so when she saw Elena she cottoned on to the fact that I used to take my subs there.

But the biggest gripe is that Elena touched me! So for an hour or so I am in deep shit.

We make up big time when I take my fears in hand allow her to draw a no touch line around my torso. I am deeply touched with the compassion Ana shows as she draws. She makes the whole process easier and it wasn't as painful for me as I anticipated.

We spend most of the afternoon in bed and it was fantastic.

That evening we attend a masked charity gala at my parents' home. Ana agrees to play a sexy game with me, and lets me put the Ben Wahl balls in her. Now I know that she found this little bit of soft kinky fun last time so I am betting we'll be having some fun at the gala tonight.

Ana looks absolutely gorgeous tonight and I am so proud and happy to have her on my arm.

Usually I attend these functions on my own; mainly out of duty to my mom and dad; after all they did set up this particular charity with me in mind.

It's called "Coping Together" and it is to help kids like myself, who are in need off help because of their parent's drug abuse. I subscribe a good deal of money but I don't have any other dealings with it. So I am obliged to attend.

I usually attend just to show my face, do a little net working, dance with my grandmother, my mother, Mia, and of course Elena; who attends to support my folks. Little do they know?

When I was Elena's submissive, before I went to Harvard, Elena used to use the gala as an excuse to show her dominance over me. At first here presence used to make me a nervous wreak, because at every opportunity she would say or do something to arouse me. She always insisted I dance with her and my mom would be quite upset if I tried to refuse, so really I had no choice. When we danced she would rub up against me, knowing full well how difficult it was for me, the horny teen, to control myself. If she had the slightest idea that I went to a bathroom to jerk off, the next time we met up, her punishment would be severe. It was a game to her but it taught me self control.

After I dropped out and the relationship between us was over, I was still expected, by my parents to show her some courtesy, be polite and dance with her. But over the past couple of years I have avoided her, by leaving early with the excuse of work to do.

But not tonight, tonight I am with Ana my beautiful girl. My parents and grandparents are delighted with her. Mia is over the moon that her big brother has a girlfriend and in turn introduces Ana to all her friends.

For some reason known only to her self Ana bids her $24.000 in the auction for a weekend away in Aspen at my cabin there. I am livid! She managed to outsmart me.

"I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you" I whisper in her ear.

"I'll take option two please" She replies, shocking me. She smiles sweetly at me, and I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Feeling uncomfortable are we?" I say lasciviously.

"Very" Ana answers breathily.

"Well we'll have to see what we can do about that" I promise.

The idea of the Ben Wah balls is that they stimulate, arouse, the libido in a woman increasing the pleasure when orgasm is reached. They make a woman desirous. And seeing Ana like this all ready for me, gives me a tent pole in my pants. I can hardly wait to follow up on my plan.

So when the auction is over, I reach out for Ana's hand to leave the table and we are just about to escape when Mia pulls Ana's arm, and giggling, tells Ana that it is time for the first dance auction and drags her away. _When the fuck did they arrange this?_

Ana giggles at me, a little hysterically, but before she leaves with Mia, kisses me. And I'm so friggin' happy I just sit there with a big grin on my face. My grandfather gives me a knowing wink that broadens my smile even more.

I end up out bidding Flynn in the first dance auction. I know Flynn does not really want the first dance, he just wants to see how far I will go to ensure I get the first dance no one is going to get Ana's first dance, only me.

I finally manage to drag Ana up to my old bedroom, to reap my reward. And boy are we both turned on, I even manage to give Ana the most erotic spanking.

God I wish Elliot was here so could gloat!

The evening is somewhat marred by Elena side tracking Ana on her way to the bathroom and warning her off, threatening to go after Ana if she hurts me again. Ana manages to put her down quite effectively I'm pleased to say. But Elena is starting to piss me off. She promised me only this morning at the salon that she wouldn't come tonight; _I will deal with her later!_

We manage to recapture our moment and forget about Elena. We dance some more holding each other close and whispering sweet nothings to each other.

I dance with my mom whilst Ana dances with dad. My mom is delighted she has had to beg me.

"Christian, darling" she gushes "it's so lovely to see you looking so happy. I haven't seen you smile in such a long time. Do you love her Christian?"

I'm not really comfortable with this line of questioning as I am not altogether convinced that I am in love.

"I don't know, mom, all I know is that Ana makes me feel very happy and content. Would you call that love?"

"Well, I would say yes, but I know that it is hard for you to accept. I know that you're most likely scared that she will run out on you, so you won't allow yourself to fall in love. But believe me Christian, that girl is a keeper; she cares for you a lot. You have to trust her and me when I say she won't leave you" my mom is very sincere. And I hang on to her words hoping against all hope that she is right.

At midnight there is a fantastic display of fireworks that nearly gives Taylor and his team heart attacks because they are on the lookout for Leila with a gun. But, all is well, for now.

After the fireworks Ana and I say goodbye to my parents, who hug Ana warmly telling her not to be a stranger. Then we climb into the car with Taylor and Sawyer. Just as we drive away Sawyer hands Ana an envelope say that one of the waiters had asked him to give it to her, inside there is a note from Elena.

"_I may have misjudged you, and you have defiantly misjudged me. Call me if you need to fill in the blanks- maybe we can do lunch. Christian doesn't want me talking to you but I am more than happy to help. Don't get me wrong I approve, believe me-but if you hurt him again so help me, he's been hurt enough- Call me (206)279 6261. Mrs Robinson._

"You told her?" exclaims Ana furiously

"Told who what?"

"Elena you told her I call her Mrs Robinson?" Ana is mortified.

"It's from her?" it's incredulous that after I have warned her to leave Ana alone she pulls a stunt like this.

I reassure Ana that I will deal with Elena later and not to worry. We have had such a lovely evening don't let her spoil it for us.

I hold Ana all the way back to Escala, I am so proud of her and she thanks me for the best evening of her life; and she not going to let_ that woman,_ upset her.

Ana is just about asleep by the time we get back and I practically have to carry her into the elevator. I stand with her leaning against me my arms around her, my head resting on hers. And I am filled with such joy I think I am going to burst with pleasure.

Just as the elevator comes to a halt, Sawyer gets a message in his ear mike, "Ok T," he says then turns to me, "Mr Grey, the tyres on Miss Steele's Audi have been slashed and paint thrown all over it!"


	24. Chapter 24

I hope you all tried the music; E. L. James has it in her original book. So I had to use it as the words are so fitting.

All characters and story line belongs to E. , I am just borrowing them for fun and not for profit.

Chapter 24.

Elliot POV.

When Christian related the events of the week leading up to his birthday party it seemed to me that the whole world was trying to keep them apart.

The night of the charity ball, Leila slashed the tyres on Ana's Audi and threw paint all over it, and despite a thorough search of Christian's apartment, somehow managed to hide away; later appearing at the foot of the bed where Ana was sleeping.

Christian had been in his study at the time, ripping Elena a new one about harassing Ana.

Ana had come to find him.

Christian.

Fucking Elena what is her problem?

"What!" I snap down the phone.

"Christian, I was going to leave a message for you. I didn't think you would be up"

"It seems to me Elena that you don't think at all. What the fuck do you think you are doing? Side tracking Anastasia at the ball, sending her invitations to lunch. I told you to butt out but there you are stirring, again."

"I don't want her to hurt you again. You know you are not used to this type of relationship and I don't think she is good for you, you have …." I cut her off.

"Elena my life, my relationships have nothing to do with you," I'm shouting now thoroughly pissed off, _how dare she presume that she has the right…_

"How many times do I have to tell you? Leave her the fuck alone. This is my first real relationship and I don't want you interfering, messing things up, with some misguided notion that you are protecting me. I won't tell you again, leave us the fuck alone!" and I throw the phone down on my desk.

I run my hands over my face and through my hair_, that fucking woman_. There is a gentle knock on the door.

When I look up Ana is standing in the doorway. She is dressed in one of my tee shirts and looks like a teenager, my heaven. I get up from my chair, go over to her and gently touch her cheek tucking a stray tendril of hair behind her ear.

"You should be in satin or silk, but even in my tee shirt, you are beautiful" I tell her quietly.

"I missed you, come to bed." she says.

"Do you know how much you mean to me, if anything were to happen to you because of me…?" I can't say anymore me, the thought of loosing her, is too painful for me to voice. I don't think that I could exist without her.

"Nothing is going to happen to me." she says soothingly. She tenderly puts her hands on my face and up into my hair and her touch is comforting. And I relax into her hand.

With her other hand she starts to unbutton my shirt and I stiffen.

"I'm not going to touch you," she murmurs, "I just want to take off your shirt" and her voice becomes sensuous and she bites her lip.

My breathing becomes ragged and as she pushes my shirt off my shoulders; my senses become inflamed with desire for her.

"And what about my pants?" I ask her raising my eyebrows with carnal intent.

"In the bed room" she says "I want you in your bed" well I ain't gonna argue on that idea.

But when we get in the bedroom, it is chilly and I see that the balcony door is open. Then she tells me that someone was stood at the foot of the bed, but she had just woken and thought she had been dreaming, because when she put the light on there was no one there.

I call Taylor, and we get the hell out of there while he secures the apartment.

Taylor arranges a suite for us at the Fairmont Olympic, in his name.

As we drive through the deserted streets I am constantly on the alert for anyone following us and I'm so wired up thinking what could have happened to Ana. There she was innocently sleeping in my bed and despite Taylor, Sawyer, Ryan, Reynolds and I being there, Leila could have shot her. I can't think where she would have been hiding, and did she escape down the fire escape, all thirty floors! It seems incredulous but I can't think of any other way.

When we arrive at the reception desk at the Fairmont, I can see Ana is looking decidedly uncomfortable and out of place. I can't help a smile as I look at her. There we are at Seattle's most predacious hotel, and she is dressed in a pair of _my_ sweatpants and an overlarge sweatshirt also belonging to me. She looks like some stray waif and god knows what there desk clerk is thinking. Frankly I don't give a flying fuck so long as my girl is safe.

Ana is worried that she is not enough for me. And that frustrates me, how can I convince her that she is everything to me. I guess it will just take time. I am still scared that if she really learns the depth of my depravity she _will_ leave me.

So there we are two very insecure people comforting each other as we make love before falling into an exhausted sleep.

I wake late the next morning to hear Ana saying, "I love you Christian. - Don't leave Me.-I'll never leave you" I stare at her she is sleeping, dreaming, dreaming of me!

And an emotional tidal wave over takes me; making me breathless and close to tears. I know what she is saying is the truth; people don't lie in their sleep do they?

I lay on my side just staring at her in disbelief. She has told me often enough that she loves me; but in my deep, dark soul I could not believe that anyone least of all Ana could love me.

And as I lay there, I finally accept that I am in love with her and her with me.

I quietly get out of bed and dress in jeans and a tee shirt and go into the lounge. I find my blackberry and call Taylor. Like me he thinks Leila got in through the fire escape stairs; that she must have had a duplicate key made at some point when she was with me. He is arranging a locksmith to change the lock on all the fire escape doors and the codes for the elevator and main doors to the apartment will be changed.

I ask him to move all Ana's things from the guest room upstairs into my room. No point in her sleeping up there now we are together; and with me I know she will be safer. Besides I want her with me. I want to hold her close and chase the nightmares away.

I also ring Dr Greene the OB/GYN, to tell her we are at the Fairmont. I arranged on Saturday for her to visit Ana again to get some other reliable means of contraception. Ana had forgotten to take her pill after we broke up so I have been using condoms which I hate. Anyway they tend to spoil the spontaneity.

I answer a few essential emails, my business is a full time job and I like to keep a grip on things.

Then I order breakfast for us; it is time to wake Ana. Dr Greene will be here in half an hour.

Ana is obviously not a morning person; she is quite tetchy at breakfast when I tell her Dr Greene is coming. I forgot mention that I had arranged the visit and she took affront at not consulting her first. Another point well made. It is her body, she points out, mine too I retort. And she glowers at me. Perhaps I'm a little tetchy too.

Ana is distant after the doctor's visit and I worry that there is something wrong with her. But she won't talk to me about it. How can I help her if she is ill and doesn't tell me?

She tells me she has had a Depo Provara shot and I'll be good to go in seven days.

I persist in trying to find out what is wrong but she moodily tells me to drop it.

So rather sulkily we go to shower.

Finally, she tells me that Dr Greene scolded her about just stopping the pill and said that Ana may be pregnant. When she sees my face go pale she hastily reassures me that she is not, but she had been a bit scared as to my reaction if she were.

I tell her that I am naturally relieved as it would be the height of bad manners to knock her up.

"Then maybe we should abstain" she snarls back at me petulantly.

I soften, as I realise that she is probably still tired and that all this is new to her too. I pull her into my arms and just hold her, she puts her arms around my waist and we stand there hugging each other for quite a while.

"Come, let's shower, "I say eventually. There is something I want to try, for Ana's sake as well as my own.

I tell her I want her to wash the remainder of the lipstick of my torso, but to be careful not to cross the line. She takes a sponge with some body wash on it and oh so tenderly she washes off the lipstick off my front. I can't help it I tense up, but I must do this I must for Ana. When I turn around, she carries on cleaning my back. Then, I realise she is crying. When I ask her what's wrong she tells me how she wants to touch me her that she loves me and to think about what I went through as a child wounds her.

I tell her I don't want her to cry for me and that it was along time ago.

"You are very easy to love don't you see that?" she is beseeching. I shake my head and she carries on; "Your family, me even Elena and Leila they have an odd way of showing it, but they do- you are worthy."

"Stop I can't hear this. I'm nothing Anastasia, I'm a husk of a man I don't have a heart. "I put my finger on her mouth to stop her flow of words. She is delusional how anyone can truly love me it's not possible _is it?_

"Yes you do, and I want all of it. You're a good man Christian, look what you have done what you have achieved. Look at what you have done for me, turned your back on for me, I know, know, how you feel about me…"

I look at her in disbelief is this how she sees me someone capable of goodness? I try, but is it never enough to make up the darkness of my soul.

"You love me!"

Finally I feel can say it, "Yes I do"


	25. Chapter 25

Thanks to E. for creating these stories for me to play with.

Chapter 25

Elliot has sat with his feet up on the long couch throughout my tale without saying a word. At one point I thought he had fallen asleep so I stopped talking.

"And?" he prompts

"I thought you had got so bored listening to me that you had dozed off"

"No, Christian, this is the most you have ever shared in your life. I am beginning to feel that I have never known the real you, so I'm on learning curve, listening, getting to know you. So carry on let all out."

He is right no one knows the real me,

"I think Flynn is probably more aware of who I am because of all the crap I have shared with him.

And Elena who thinks she knows me really understands nothing. Her focus is on keeping me under her control; she is not willing for me to move on. She thinks that I can't function without her influence and until I met Ana, she was most likely right, although I wouldn't have said so at the time."

"I think you said that Flynn had told you this already,"

"He did, ages ago. But I couldn't see it. Dumb fuck yea?"

"No, conditioned, programmed, brainwashed, all of the above." Elliot grins at me ruefully.

"I guess so. But not any more, I'll let Ana programme me, control me; much more fun" I grin back.

"You said it was a tough week, what happened next?"

"Once I had admitted that I loved Ana out loud, the tightness I had felt inside disappeared. It was like taking a life giving breath after suffocating. And we were both stupidly ecstatic.

"We were like giddy kids for the rest of the day. We were like teenagers, when we stopped off to buy her a new car; I think the salesman thought we were completely nuts"

"You bought her a new car!" exclaims Elliot. "What the hell for?"

"Because Leila had thrown paint all over the other, it was ruined. And Ana needs a car to get to and from work." I shrug.

"But I thought she was staying with you, wouldn't Taylor or Sawyer drive her to work?"

"Well, yes I suppose, but we hadn't discussed the future. I wanted her to stay with me for now until Leila was off the scene; because it was better than her being in the apartment on her own. I figured, once you and Kate are back home, she would want to be with Kate." I tell him, but actually this isn't true, _I want her to stay with me. Forever. _

"Geesh, so you go out and buy her a new car, just like that" he sounds incredulous.

"Well is not like I can't afford it is it?" I shrug pocket money.

"Well you'll spoil her to death I suppose"

"If she'll let me; that was part of the silliness in the dealership 'cos she didn't want to accept a new car."

"But she did in the end?"

"Reluctantly, yes. After that we went sailing on The Grace, and had a fabulous afternoon.

"We went back to Escala in the late evening. Taylor had been through the place making sure everything was secure again. He had wondered about her hiding in the fire escape stairwell, if it were possible. Sawyer when down there and there is a blind spot on the turn of the stairs where she could have hidden. Taylor couldn't see Sawyer when he was down there and he is a pretty big man. Leila is similar to Ana so she would have easily have been missed. Taylor had arranged to have a CCTV camera installed there so we are as safe as we could be."

"Did you find any trace of Leila? "

"No there is some CCTV footage of her getting into the under ground garage and vandalising Ana's car, but that's all. We can't do any more about the access to the garage, because it's for the use of all the occupants at Escala.

"So at that time she is still on the loose and as far as we are concerned armed and dangerous"

"Did you get the police?"

"Err no, I didn't want them poking around, she needs medical help not police intervention."

"Is she still on the loose?" Elliot asks.

"No, she turned up on Tuesday at Ana and Kate's apartment"

"What! So you did right to keep Ana with you?"

"I thought so, but she managed to hold Ana at gunpoint for a while." I don't really want to tell him about what happened there and the aftermath. But it was make or break time for Ana and me so I guess I'm going to have to reveille more of myself.

"On Monday, Ana and I had a fight," I begin.

"So soon, what did you do?" he says shaking his head

"It wasn't my fault" I protest, "Well; I suppose it was, in a way. We had, had email chatter on and of all day.

Ethan had called to tell her he was on his way home and Kate had told him he could crash at their apartment until he found a place of his own. She emailed me to tell me she would have to go back to the apartment to make sure he was ok. I got the wrong idea and thought she wanted to stay with him. Full of jealousy I told her she couldn't. She emailed me back to ask who I thought I was to give her orders, and that she wasn't thinking of stopping with him, only to give him the keys and make sure he knew where every thing was.

So I had to apologise and tell her she was mine and I didn't want any other man laying claim. She tells me to grow up"

"Good for her standing up to you" Elliot cheers. I scowl at him.

"Well yes I got that, she's not a submissive and she is not going to kow-tow to my every wish. But the next thing; she emails to tell me her boss, Jack Hyde, wants her to go to New York with him to some convention or another. It will mean her going on Wednesday and staying over night. Well no way, is that going to happen because I don't trust the sleaze bag one little bit, I _know _he wants Ana and I'm sure when he gets her all cosies up in an hotel room he will make his move and I'm scared to death thinking she won't be able to fight him off. I email back - over my dead body.

So then she throws me another issy fit about being a control freak; she tells me she is going no matter what I say!"

"Oh, oh, what did you do?" Elliot is sitting up and watching me now.

"Well, as I've bought SIP, I decide I'm going to put some rules in place. So I phone Roach who was the owner, now managing director, and tell him to cut back on travelling expenses; that it is not necessary for new employees to take trips to New York so early in their careers and as Miss Steele has only recently graduated I feel that she needs to gain more experience in the work place before taking field trips"

"I bet that when down well" says Elliot sarcastically.

"Lead balloon. Ana actually calls me on my Blackberry, she tells me I'm ruining her fledgling career and I'm suffocating her. And now that I have stopped her trip to New York she has to work late to help get the stuff ready for Jack Hyde to take with him. So she'll see me sometime later, perhaps. Then hangs up on me!"

"Wow I love this girl, have anyone, ever, and stood up to you before?"

"No, not really. But you know Elliot it's very stimulating, I hate arguing with her, but when she does, I feel so alive. Yes the subs, did what I said, when I said, but it gets old. So when Ana goes toe to toe with me and I don't get my own way it's very refreshing.

"When I pick her up that evening, I think most of her anger had disappated but she was still upset by my controlling tendancies." I smiled as I remembered our ride up in the elevator.

"What?" said Elliot at the grin on my face.

"Well, she was going on at me interfering in her career, and she looked so bloody sexy, her eyes bright, face flushed; so when we were alone in the elevator, I kissed her to shut her up and…"I break off .

"And?"

I'm a bit embarrassed here but, here goes

"I stop the elevator, and we have a stand and slam fuck." I grin sheepishly at Elliot.

"I would have done the same in your place, well for you bro" and we crack up laughing.

"Was she still mad at you?"

"No not really, the tension had been relieved for both of us. I tell her she's mine and I want her to stay with me always.

"What does she say to that?"

"She said she would think about it but we needed to talk.

"We were talking over dinner and she tells me that I'm right about Jack. I got a bit riled up and asked if her had touched her inappropriately, I was ready to go and punch him. But she said no, just that he was coming on a bit strong; asking her if he could take her for a drink. She refused and told him she was meeting me. He had asked my name and on hearing that he backed off.

"Ana reminds, of what she had told me the night we had got back together; that she wouldn't be controlled by me."

"Do you remember that Christian?" . I nod, yes I do.

She comes and stands in front of me between my legs while I sit at the breakfast bar and puts her arms around my neck she is looking at me intensly, her blue eyes sincere

"You have to let me make my own decisions, Christian. Make my own mistakes; if you come riding in like the knight in shining armour, I'll never learn, you have to let go and if you can do that, give me that; I'll move in with you"

Can I do that? Not entirely there are some things that she needs protecting from, sleaze balls like Jack Hyde for instance.

" Ana I'm trying" I tell her, " I can't just stand by and watch while Hyde takes you to New York. He has an alarming reputation, none of his assisstants last for more than a few months. And they're never retained by the company. I don't want that for you so no I won't promise not to interfer.

"I love you Anastasia," I tell her breathlessly, and I will do anything to protect you, I can't imagine my world without you…at this point she shuts me up by kissing me. It's a perfect moment.

A perfect moment for Taylor to descreetly cough to get my attention. Apparently, Elena fucking Lincoln is on her way up.

"Oh shit not her again, " sneers Elliot.

" Yes, I forgot to tell you that she had emailed Ana at SIP inviting her to lunch. Ana was so pissed with the whole thing that she just transferred her email to me.

"I had phoned Elena and told her, once again. That Ana doesn't want to see her and to drop the idea. So what the hell does she want now?

"Well the look on her face when she sees Ana is with me is absolutely priceless"

Elliot gives me a quizzical look.

" The subs, only stay the weekend Elliot, "I explain, "I'm normally by myself during the week, so seeing Ana with me is a surprise. I don't think it has sunk in with Elena that Ana means more to me than a sub."

"So what does she want?"

" Well I suspect she has come to try and convince me that I need a sub; but seeing Ana there she comes up with some story about being blackmailed."

"And was she. Oh tell me she was, please"

"There was a letter, threatening to expose her, but the demand was a pitiful amount of money. I offer to get Welsh to look into it.

"Ana excuses herself and goes to bed. After Ana had gone she starts with the; I am I sure Ana is not just after my money, is she good enough for me, she doesn't want to see me hurt and so on.

"I tell to stop behaving like a mother hen and that Ana is the best thing that has happened to me.

Elena thinks that Ana doesn't understand the BDSM life style.

I tell her that Ana understands me better than anyone; and oh that smarts her face is a picture.

"Ouch, that hurts, " she grimaces.

"Well tough, Elena, she cares for me more than you have ever done, so leave her alone. I'm moving on with my life and you have no place in it" I told her.

"What did she say to that?" Elliot looks delighted.

"Oh she is really pathetic with "I don't want to loose you Christian." I told her that I am not hers to loose and I would be grateful if she didn't come to my apartment again uninvited."

"I bet that pissed her off"

"I would say so. because she left. I can't understand why I didn't just tell her I didn't want any more contact with her at all. Stupid eh?

"Do you think that would have worked ?"

"I suppose not. Thinking back, and I'm not bragging, I think she held on to a hope that I would want to, some day resume relationships with her."

"Could be. Does she have a submissive at the moment?

"Yes, a guy about my age. As it turns out it was him who wrote the blackmail note; trying out a scene for them both to play."

"Would she enjoy that?"

"Not at all, Elena doesn't like her subs to top from the bottom"

"Top from the bottom, what does that mean?" curiosity getting the better of him.

"Elena is a complete Dominatrix she doesn't ever, let the sub lead the way, or switch roles."

"So this Sub is in for a bad time?"

"Well lets say I wouldn't want to be in his shoes; Elena can be very imaginative when punishing."

I know because I have been on the receiving end when she gets mad.

The next day starts well with some great wake up sex with Ana. All day we are emailing. One of her emails has me spluttering coffee all over my key board, like some idiot when she reminds me of all the kinky places we've fucked.

Ethan calls to see her and gets the keys to the apartment and Ana emails me to suggest we go out to dinner all of us; why not? I can keep my eye on him. So I arrange to pick her up from work and we'll go to the apartment to pick Ethan up.

As we pull up, outside, my Blackberry vibrates in my jacket pocket and I take the call from Ros. As we talk, Ana tells me she is going to get Ethan, and Taylor opens the door and lets her out of the car.

I finish my call, and wait for Ana to come back, she seems to be a long time. Just as I'm thinking of going to get them, Taylor sits up rigid ,he is out of the car so fast, that he startles me. I look out and Ethan is walking down the street carrying a travel bag and twirling a bunch of keys in his hand.

.


	26. Chapter 26

**You know this was only going to be a short story,** but here we are at 26. **Your reviews and postings are making it worth while. Thanks every one.**

**All rights belong to E. .**

Chapter 26.

Christian

I kick the apartment door open and the sight I dreaded met my eyes; Leila is standing besides Ana with a hand gun.

"Stand aside Sir, let me deal with this." commands Taylor

"No I'll deal with her you take Ana downstairs out of harms way and call Flynn."

I found myself quite suddenly slipping into my alter ego, my dominant self.

"I'm not sure what you mean, your dominant self" Elliot

"It's a part of me that is in complete control. It's all to do with the BDSM scene; Leila is a natural submissive and when she is in that mindset she willing accepts my dominance over her. She knows that under my control she won't have to think for herself, she can hand that responsibility to me and I will take care of her. I think that it is what she has been craving for from me as her master to take all her worries away, in some ways it is a cry for help.

"You see Elliot BDSM is not just about sex, it is control over a submissive in _all _things, and it's having total power over someone's entire life style."

I stop at this point because it suddenly hits me;

"This is what Elena has done for me since I was fifteen!" I whisper.

Elliot looks aghast "This is what Flynn was trying to get through to you. That in her eyes she is still sees you as her submissive, and it's pissing her off to finally realise you are not under her control anymore; you are your own man. You know Christian, I would never hit a woman, but she had better hope that she doesn't cross my path because I might not be able to control myself."

I look at him my eyes wide, my brother who fought for me and along side of me when we were kids, is still there willing to stand in my corner. And I feel very humble. He doesn't know how much that means to me.

But, he may yet change his opinion of me.

"So you became dominant over Leila?" he prompts.

" Leila was looking at me, Christ, she looked so different, she was pale and thin, filthy; dirty lank hair dirty old trench coat dark shadows around her eyes.

I looked at her, full Dom stance, and commanded her to kneel. She drops instantly to her knees, head bowed and hands resting on her thighs, the total submissive. The gun skitters across the floor and I pick it up.

"Taylor, take Anastasia down stairs" I order I want her out of the way, away fro all this.

Ana her self looks horrified. She has never seen me in complete Dom mode interacting with a sub and I think she is shocked to her core.

"Anastasia, go with Taylor back to Escala." she seems rooted to the spot.

"Why?"

"I need to speak to Leila alone." She still doesn't move but I need her to go so I can deal with all this shit that probably I am responsible for. I think that Leila needs my help but in her sick mind sees Ana as a stumbling block to getting to me. So I'll be able to help better with Ana out of the way.

"Miss Steele, Ana "Taylor takes her hand and tries to lead her out of the door, she won't budge.

"Anastasia, for once in your life, will you do as you're told and go?" I command.

Eventually, Taylor picks her up and carries her downstairs.

Then I help Leila take a bath whist we wait for Flynn. She doesn't respond to any questions, she just obeys my instructions blindly. I think that she was so traumatised by what ever has happened in her life over the past three years, that she is so relieved to have someone to direct her.

"What happened to her?" asks Elliot quietly.

"I don't know yet. Flynn gave her a mid sedative and took her to his clinic for treatment."

"You know Christian, this getting a bit like a fuckin' soap opera" Elliot smirks

"Well you wanted to know, and I'm telling you what it's like being fifty shades of fucked up. "

"Thanks bro. is that the end of it all? You still haven't told me everything yet have you?"

"I'm afraid not, because it just gets better and better. Especially that evening."

"I'm all ears"

Ana is not at Escala when I get back, so I panic. I'm already wound up with the events of the evening, my first thought is that things have got too much for her and she has left me again. I can't blame her, all the stuff that has happened this weekend, what girl wants to be involved with all that shit?

But I'm dying inside, I have to know where she is so that I can go and talk to her. I call Taylor and ask what happened after he took Ana downstairs. He tells me she and Kavenaugh had gone to a bar for a drink. And he is looking for them now.

_Why the fuck did he leave them? Of course he came back up to the apartment to help me with Leila._

"What help did you need, you said you had her under your control" Elliot is baffled.

"Well I had; but Taylor was looking out for me. God knows what would be meant as help be seen as inappropriate by anyone else if Leila decided to tell that I had helped her bathe, so Taylor was my witness.

I'm really getting pissed off when Taylor and the others in the team can't find her; I'm just about to tell them to get the lead out and fuckin well find her when she strolls through the door. "She's here…"I tell them and hang up.

And in my usual gentle manner I say to her "Where the hell have you been!"

"Nice one bro, Mr tactful and understanding"

"Quite.

She stands there blinking at me, she's swaying a bit and she's looking flushed

"Have you been drinking?" I ask angrily. And all I can think about are the fucking rules she's not supposed to drink!

"Just a bit" says Miss smart mouth which pissed me off more. I'm so exasperated I'm nearly tearing my hair out. I'm so angry, I'm sure she is going to be scared of me and run.

"I told you to come back here, it's fifteen after ten, do you know how worried I've been about you? "

She glowers at me" I went for a drink, or three with Ethan while you attended to your ex!" she spits at me venomously. "I didn't know how long you where going to be…" she says taking a deep breath, her body sags," _with her!_ "She completely gives up utterly sad and defeated.

"Why do you say it like that?"

She's going to run I know it, I just fucking know it. And I don't think I can stand it, my heart is in my mouth.

Then she looks down at her hands, knotting her fingers in front of her.

"I'm no good for you" she whispers

"What, why would you think that" I'm horrified doesn't she know how much I love her?

"I know I can't be every thing you need," her voice is so quiet

"You are every thing I need, everything I want"

"But, Christian, I saw felt it… felt what you had together…" her voice fades mournfully; she's made up her mind.

My mind is in turmoil she can't go she can't" You're running?" I whisper.

I'm not really talking to Elliot now I'm just remembering the agony of the moment so I'm rambling on…

"No, no she can't leave just because I tried to fix it for Leila, but she confuses with something else.

I love only her, I'm just too fuckin afraid to show her who I really am because if I do she might not like it and it's all I got. I know I'm unworthy, but is my love so bad for her to be around. I can't think straight. I'm panting try to put a coherent thought together and all I can come out with is- you can't

"Christian, I… "She Says bewildered, "I…" she can't say the rest of her thoughts; she wants nothing to do with me,

She's going, and it's just agony. I rather she hit me, haunt me, hurt me anything; and then my mind clouds over and I sink to my knees, my head bowed, my hands resting on my thighs; I'd regressed into the complete submissive I once was. Staring down, ready for her commands, ready for her punishment, I am her slave. Ready for my mistress.

Elliot is staring at me and I realise I have been drifting off into my memories saying them out loud.

"Sorry, I lost it there for a moment." I croak. Shuddering with the memory

"You were that scared you were willing to go back into that role? Surely you had more faith in Ana than that!"

"Elliot, I could understand why she didn't want to stay, that's the point, and she thought that I couldn't live without that lifestyle especially after seeing me with Leila. But I will do anything rather than have her leave. She could turn into Elena anything rather than leave me, abandon me to nothing. I'll take her anyway I can."

"But she loves you she would want you like that and Ana could never be an Elena" he exclaims.

"I know. Because of what happens.

"I hear her voice coming through my mist, "Christian, Christian what are you doing?" she sounds panicky.

But in my submissive state I cannot answer her; she hasn't given me permission to speak.

"Christian, look at me."

My mistress says to look at her; I obey, ready to do what she wishes.

She is scared and bewildered, looking at me terrified.

"Why are you doing this" She can barely speak. I cannot answer she hasn't given me permission to talk.

"Christian, you don't have to do this," tears are running down her cheeks. She sounds desperate but I cannot respond without her say so; "Talk to me" she pleads.

Looking at her passively, "What do you want me to say" Oh my mistress is distress but I cannot comfort her, I cannot wipe away her tears, I am her slave and I don't have the right.

"Christian, I've told you, and told you, and told you I am not going to run" she sinks to her knees in front of me, this is all wrong, a mistress doesn't go down to the level of her slave.

She wipes the tears from her face with her hands and she stares intently into my face my eyes widen a little, I want to wipe her tears, but I have to submit and I haven't been given permission to touch her.

"Don't do this" She pleads, "I'm not going to run_," is this true_ "It's just that with all that's happened all I've seen. You know it's all overwhelming, and all this baggage that comes with you.

I need some time to myself time to get my head around it all, I thought that if I went back to the apartment I would have time to think this all through. Do you trust me so little? Why do you always think the worst?"

I don't answer, I can't I'm too locked in my place.

"Seeing you with Leila was a wake up call for me. I realised that I am not good enough for you and it scared me; scared me to the core that you will get bored of me and not want me anymore." tears are streaming down her face and she looks thoroughly beaten. "And do you know what will happen to me then? I'll be like Leila, and empty tortured soul." she doesn't look at me anymore but down at her hands. She takes a shuddering breath;

"I love you Christian Grey, but I've never understood why you find me attractive, you are beautiful, sexy, successful, you're good too, kind and caring," She looks at me, "and me, well I just don't know what you see in me"

Doesn't she know how lovely she is that she is my saviour, my reason for living? That she is the one who has brought me into the light!

Her eyes bore into me beseeching me to come out of my submissive trance.

"Are you going to kneel on the floor all night, because I will too" She snaps at me, "

And finally, I can lift my head and the Christian she is used to seeing comes back

"Talk to me, please" she begs

And I find myself looking at her

"I was so scared when I saw Leila in your apartment; I was so angry with you, with Taylor with myself, I just wanted you out of there. Then she gave me a clue, she looked so contrite and seeing her in that state, I knew what I had to do, and knowing I might have something to do with her breakdown… She might have harmed you and I couldn't let that happen. But. You. Just. Would. Not. Go. Anastasia Steele you are the most stubborn woman I know."

I hear Ana sigh a deep shuddering sigh; I look at her and the strength of my feelings and frustration has brought me back from the abyss I was nearly drowning in; she is still here, Her words come back to me like an echo, _I have told you, and told you, and told you I'm not going to run. _

"You weren't going to run?"

"NO!"

The waves of panic that have been washing over me calm at last.

"I thought,… this is me Ana, all of me, I'm all yours and I'll take you what ever way I can get you…what do I have to do to make you realise that I love you?"

"I love you too Christian, seeing you like this; I-I thought I had broken you" her face is full of sadness and pain

"No Ana you are my lifeline "I take her hand in mine and hold it to my chest against my heart. This is what I have to do I have to get over my phobia and allow her to touch me. For a moment it is agony, her warm hand there. I have to hold on for her sake. _This is Ana her touch will heal me_ _this is Ana _repeating these words in my head. I am gradually able to let go and leave her hand there.

She knows the distress I am in and she starts to take her hand away but grasp it again.

"No Ana touch me." I whisper

She moves closer to me and lifts her other hand to show me she is going to extend her touch, I nod, I need to do this. I have to let Ana touch me in the no-go areas. We both need this contact.

She gently touches my face with her free hand and slides it over my cheek, down my neck and around to my open shirt collar. She manages undo the next button down she gently flexes the fingers in the hand that I am holding and I let go.

She is looking at me steadily, her blue eyes wide with anticipation, she understands what this is doing to me and she is ready to stop at the first sign that I can't take anymore. _I have to let her do this. I have to get over this for her._

She unbuttons the rest of my shirt, then so slowly so gently she eases it off my shoulders.

I'm clenching my teeth in an effort to stop myself from screaming out and she starts to take her hands away.

"No I need to do this, "I grunt, tightly closing my eyes

She gently strokes her fingers across my chest and it is sweet agony no one has touched me there in so long a time. It's almost too much but I let her carry on, _this is Ana this is ok _

She softly kisses one of my scars and I groan. She pulls back, "Again" I whisper and she kisses another, then another. It's so overwhelmingly intense I want her to kiss me and touch me but that is as far as I can go this time. I hold her tightly in my arms.

"Oh Ana."

I put my hand in her hair and gently tug her head until she is looking up at me then I kiss her with all that I have. I pull her under me on the floor as I kiss her and she knots her fingers in my hair as if she is trying to bind me to her. I feel dampness on my face.

"Christian, please don't cry" is that what I'm doing? "I meant it when I said I'd never leave you. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you, I will always love you.".

But will she love me when she knows the real me what I'm capable of, no then she will surely run to the hills. But it must be better to get it over with now what the point of holding back and have it festering in the background.

She knows I am holding back.

"What is it, what is this secret that makes you so certain, I'll run to the hills? " she is begging me. "please, please tell me"

I look down into her I have to do this what's the point my depravity will always catch up with me and she deserves the truth"

Elliot is watching me intently, he looks terrified at what I'm going to say, so for the second time I say out loud what I have always known in my heart.

"I'm a sadist, I like to whip little brown haired girls like her because they remind me of the crack whore, my birth mother; I'm sure you can guess why"


	27. Chapter 27

**Thankyou again everyone for your reviews follows and favourites. It's a good feeling to know someone is actually reading this little flight of fancy.**

**All characters belong to E.L. James. Borrowed by me for fun and not for profit.**

Chapter 27.

Elliot's POV.

I sit there and gape at my brother. Over the past few hours, he has revelled so much about himself and his past. But this really stuns me. Christian a sadist! No! This can't be right.

I know he is a control freak, and appears a hard man in his business dealings; he wouldn't have been as successful as he is if he hadn't been. He has had to be hard to establish himself. But he is honest he doesn't double deal.

When we flew down to broker the deal for me: The managing director had told him that he didn't do deals with young whippersnappers like him.

Christian had looked him straight in the eye and said,

"I can't make myself older for you Mr Benson, but I have been quite successful with my own business. One of the reasons being is that I do my research, where you clearly haven't. If you had, you're PA or secretary, wouldn't have sent your proposal to my company, Grey Enterprise Holdings, but to Grey Construction. They assumed that because both companies have the name Grey and they both reside in Seattle that they are one and the same. Let me assure you they are not. It was only out of concern, that the proposal you where offering served no benefit to Grey Construction that I got involved.

Had you done your research and your PA had done her job as well as she flaunts her assets. You would have got away with cheating Grey Construction out of several millions of dollars."

Benson visibly squirms. As he listens to what Christian says, with quiet authority.

His PA, has the sense to lower her eyes as she blushes at Christian's remark, she has indeed been giving us both the "Come on" hitching her skirt; she left the room briefly and came back with a fresh coat of lipstick and her blouse unbutton indecently low and smiling seductively.

Not once during the whole meeting has Christian let on that we are related. So Benson is left with egg on his face. Even more so when Christian handed him a spread sheet of figures and a different proposal with GEH backing.

I was impressed at Christian's cool managing of the situation.

I think they must have researched the GEH website and learned just who they where dealing with because they seem a lot more amenable to our proposal now.

But do sadists have a conscience? Christian certainly does. And look how he felt when he realised how much he had hurt Ana. He told her he was willing to give up that hard core part of the relationship-for her.

Surely, no sadist would do that would they?

I don't know what to say to him, I don't believe it of him.

But wait, Ana and he are engaged, he asked her to marry him and she agreed. If she couldn't bear him hurting her for his pleasure and satisfaction; she is not going to be with him if what he says is true is she?

This has got to be connected to his childhood trauma and, the way that fucking bitch Elena Lincoln abused him trained him into the BDSM life style.

"What did Ana say to this revelation; I take it she didn't get out town as fast as she could as you're engaged now?"

"She stares at me with an Oh shit! Expression, I see her pale, and then flush she's breathing very heavily.

Well it's too late now I can't take back the words, the truth. I just continue to sit and wait for her to stand and go, go out of my life for ever. And if she does, well it will be better for her.

Finally, she says in a tight whisper, "But, you said you weren't a sadist, when I asked you when you first showed me your playroom."

"No, I told you I was a dominant. If I lied to you it was a lie of omission. I'm sorry.

_Don't make excuses; you knew what you were doing._

"When you asked me that question I had envisioned a very different relationship between us." I told her softly

She puts her head in her hands and I just know she's going. My heart is pounding in my chest.

She looks up at me her eyes huge she's panicking now as the truth sinks in,

"So it's true" she says her voice breathy, "I can't give you what you need." she is realising that she has now learned the worst of me.

And you know Elliot, as she says this It dawns on me that she can give me what I need, and that all I need is her she makes me whole.

"No, no, no, Ana you do give me what I need" I tell her frantically.

"But what about all the whipping and caning shit? You told me that was all part of what you are! Oh this is so fucked up" she's crying again and I want to hold her but I need to make her understand.

"Ana believe me after I punished you and you left me my worldview changed. I wasn't joking when I said that I would do any thing to avoid ever feeling like that again. When you said you loved me, it was a revelation. No one had ever said it to me before and it laid something to rest, or maybe you had laid it to rest, I don't know, Dr Flynn and I are still in deep discussion about it."

He thinks my love for Ana has taken away the anger that I felt towards the crack whore, my birth mother. And that by beating the shit out of the submissive because they all looked like her. I beat them as Elena taught me, because it made me feel better.

"What does all that mean?" She whispers.

"It means that I don't need it, not now." I tell her hoping against all hope that she believes me

"How do you know how can you be sure?"

"I just know; the thought of hurting you in any real way is abhorrent to me"

"I don't understand, what about spanking and all that kinky fuckery"

Ana is sweet, so innocent. That's just goofing around. A bit like you Bro.

I look at him astounded. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well surely you play sexy little games for fun, to spice thing up a bit. I seem to remember you telling me that you could tell me allsorts of ways to give a woman a fantastic orgasm. Dr Love." He smirks at me and feel quite sheepish. Yes I remember telling him that whist we were hiking, that Saturday morning after he had taken Ana back to the Heathman.

Well as I tell Ana that what I am talking about is the heavy stuff, you should see -or perhaps you shouldn't- what I can do with a belt or a cane.

"I'd rather you didn't" she shudders.

"I know, if you wanted to do that fine; but you don't and I get it. I've told you before, you have all the power and since you came back to me I don't feel that compulsion at all."

Ana gapes at me disbelievingly. "When we met, that's what you wanted though?"

"Yes, undoubtedly."

" But Christian, I don't understand, how can your compulsion just go, like you are cured and I am, for want of a better word some sort of panacea?" she says, incredulous.

"I wouldn't say cured. Don't you believe me?"

"I just find it unbelievable which isn't to say I don't believe you" I can tell she is trying desperately to make sense of it all.

"She's not the only one Christian" I am shocked but in some way relieved. The compulsion wouldn't just go away if he were a sadist would it? And there again I can see that such a lot of Christian's problems are because of his early childhood trauma and exacerbated by Elena.

"I know that it is hard to make sense off Elliot. All I know is that if Ana hadn't left me I would not be feeling this way. As I told her that walking out on me was the best thing for both of us. It made me realise that she was all I ever wanted and I meant it when I said I would take her anyway I can.

She is still looking at me disbelievingly

"You're still here, I thought you would be out the door by now" I whisper amazed that she is still there.

"Why? Because I think you're a sicko for whipping and fucking women who look like your birth mother? She hisses at me. And I can't blame her she's only speaking the truth. I don't which way it is going to go she could still leave. And I wait with bated breath; I have to give her time to sort it all out in her head.

"Christian I'm exhausted. Can we talk about all this tomorrow? I want to just go to bed"

I gape at her, what? Go to bed like normal?

"You're not leaving?" I ask incredulously.

"Do you want me to go?"

"No, I thought that you would leave me once you knew. Please," I beg "don't leave me"

"Oh for crying out loud!" she shouts at me, "No! What can I do to make you understand I'm not running?"

I stare at her my mouth open, eyes wide. Dare I tell her what I really want? It's the biggest commitment that I can offer her. But what have I got to lose? And you never know she may surprise me yet again. Taking her hand in mine I take a deep steadying breath.

"There is one thing you can do"

"What?"

"Marry me"

"And what does she say to that?" I'm watching him he has a huge grin on his face.

She stares at me for a moment, and then starts to giggle, biting her lip in and effort to stop then she is laughing, hysterically, rolling on the floor. Tears streaming down her face; holding herself.

My first thought was; what's so fucking funny Miss Steele? Ok the idea is ridiculous. Why would she want to tie herself to someone as fucked up as me?

She pulls herself together and sits up, shaking her head at me.

"Do you find my proposal amusing, Miss Steele?" I ask feeling mortified now.

"Mr Grey, Christian, your sense if timing is without a doubt…." she touches my face gently and if feels fantastic.

"Please, Ana you're cutting me to the quick here will you marry me? I've blown it, she going to turn me down.

"Christian, I've met your ex psycho with a gun… been thrown out of my apartment…

Had you go thermonuclear fifty on me. You've just revealed some frankly quite shocking information about yourself…and now you've asked me to marry you.

"Well that seems a fair and accurate description of the situation Christian. I say you do time things well bro. I bet she was thrilled at the romantic way you proposed too.

Now it's his turn to look sheepish.


	28. Chapter 28

**Thanks for your kind reviews. Glad you enjoyed the chapter.**

**All characters belong to E. **

Chapter 28.

Christian. POV.

The night I proposed to Anastasia, was one of the most emotional times of my adult life. Having kept any kind of emotion, - other than anger and my temper could erupt at any time, - hidden deep inside. And to actually find myself crying when Ana touched me was cathartic; realising that although it was mentally painful, it was also healing.

I had never allowed myself to be touched, even as a child I wouldn't allow my mom to wash my hair or bathe me; the mental scars were just too deep. Mom and dad respected my boundaries. Elliot learned not to wrestle me to the ground whilst playing, because I would get angry and hit out at him. It had been explained to him the reasons why, but of course he would forget.

Mia was different; she was so tiny when she first came to live with us that she offered no threat to me. But I never let her touch me without my shirt.

As a teenager I often fought just to feel some sort of physical contact a sort of pain for pain exchange that overcame the anger. And I learned how to read people I could tell when my parents friends especially the women wanted to hug me like Elliot and Mia and evade them. Even now if I'm in a social situation I manage to avoid the huggers without causing offence.

So when I let my barriers down for Ana it was because I knew that she loved me and had wanted to touch me for so long, I had to grit my teeth and overcome my phobia for her. Yes it was painful but it was a sweet agony, but at the same time soothing.

I didn't ask Ana to marry me because it was a way of making her mine. But because I knew that I needed her to drive the darkness away; because she made me whole.

Talking to Elliot about all this was therapeutic.

I talked to Flynn, in the past and he always would try to make me face my deep seated phobias that caused nightmares and haphephobia and let the people who did love me into my life. In other word solution focused brief therapy. He had tried but I stubbornly refused to even think about.

I talked to Elena but she had ingrained in me that the only why for me was the path I continued to follow.

But Elliot is family and having him know all about my past and how it is changing is such a relief I feel as if a ton weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I don't have to hide any more.

Elliot POV.

I am so relieved that Christian isn't as bad as he paints himself; his self loathing is so evident now.

Christian's proposal to Ana

Must have just about tipped her over the edge to make her laugh so hysterically. I don't think Christian found it funny at all.

"So, did she tell you to take a hike?" I ask trying to keep my face straight as he looks so sheepish.

"No. she told me that we had only known each other for about three minutes. I had told her so much about myself but she wanted to know more. She said I was only asking her because I'm scared and didn't trust her"

"And is that true?" I ask

"No, and as I told her; that I'd found someone I want to spend my life with. That I never thought that would happen to me.

"So she said yes" he shook his head

"Not then, not straight away. She said she was tired, hungry and had too much to drink. Could she think about it the same way she had thought about the contract? So I figured that wasn't a No.

"She said it wasn't a yes either. That she wanted to think about it and for me to have a little faith and patience; that she was going to sleep on it.

"Then you took her to bed, made mad passionate love and she said yes" I summed up with a grin.

"You're a fuckin comedian Elliot. If only it had been that easy"

"What more drama!"

"Oh yes much, much more. I insisted she had something to eat before going to bed or she would have a hellava hangover the next day and she did have to go to work though I tried to talk her out of it. Well over food we talked some more and she asked what I had done with Leila. I didn't want to tell her, I knew it was a bad idea, but she insisted so I told her I had given her a bath and that just seemed to send her over the edge. She ran out of the room and I found her in gut wrenching tears on the bathroom floor.

"I didn't know what to say or do so I just picked her up and snuggled up with her in bed and we fell asleep."

"Best way bro it seems as you're learning, all better next day?"

"After I had a fuckin nightmare because I sensed she was not there and woke yelling in a panic."

"She hadn't left!"

"No she had got up to get a drink. She was so sweet, holding me soothing me, loving me. And after that we slept really well.

"I didn't want her to go to work next morning but she insisted as her boss was going to New York. It was fun watching her rush around getting ready as she was late. And I didn't help trying to get her to come back to bed with me. But she wasn't; or rather I wasn't getting any. And I felt quite light headed, and free because telling Ana everything was such a relief, especially as I knew wasn't leaving me because of what she had learned.

"I really wanted her to stay with me, because I thought she maybe in shock after learning about me. But no she had to go."

"Was she alright? Weren't you a bit shook up too?" I think he is playing it down, I mean getting all that stuff out must have been stressful for him too

"No as I said I felt liberated. I knew I probably wouldn't function so well if I went to the office; but what the hell I'm the boss, I can take a morning off. And there were a couple of things I wanted to do."

"Like what?" What does he have to do that he can't get someone to arrange it for him?

"Well, after the nightmare, when Ana had looked after me so well"

I raise my eyebrows and leer at him; I know how she had looked after him. He frowns at me trying to look pissed but can't manage it. He just grins instead.

"Anyway, Ana said she would like to talk to Flynn. I thought that it was a good idea for her to talk to him after all that had happened. So I had to make an appointment, for us both, I needed to talk as well I needed his take on our getting married.

I had to complete the paperwork for the take over of SIP. I really wanted to get the ball rolling on this. I talk to Taylor about the security measures there at the present, they are crap. Ana is not safe. Once the press gets the wind of our engagement, they'll have no problems getting in there. And the computer system security was a joke. I needed to put Barney on to that

Also, there was the house I wanted to look at. And I was going to buy the biggest fucking diamond ring I could for Ana. So I get Taylor to drive me to Cartier's where I spend a lot of time choosing a special diamond."

Now I've seen this ring and it is exquisite, an oval shaped stone set in a platinum band. Must have cost a bomb! But you gotta admire his taste.

"You must have been certain she was going to say yes" I butt in

"Well I figured it would only be a matter of time, before I wore her down."

"Arrogant bastard, do you always get what you want?"

"Mostly," he shrugs.

"We text back and forth most of the day, I had to have some contact, because I was still worried about her. But she's pissing me off, firstly she hasn't agreed and secondly, I told her repeatedly to use her Blackberry as the emails at SIP are monitored and we are having some very personal conversations. But she's tetchy and Hyde is giving her a bad time, because she was late in. Well that's what she thinks but I'm pretty sure it's because I put a stop to the New York trip. He doesn't know it was me, because no one knows apart from Roach that I have bought it out.

Ana finally tells me stop nagging as I'm driving her mad and she's enough on.

So I let it go, and get Barney to censure her emails, "

"How can he do that?" it's just amazing what Christian can do at times.

"Because he's already hacked into their system" he tells me coolly "and it's a good job he has because later is able to find a lot of disturbing material on Jack Hyde's computer, the sneaky bastard had by passed the main system, so in fact he could read all Ana's emails to me.

"How did you find that out?" you see having talented staff pays off I think to my self but I am not ready for what happened next.

"Well Ana asked me to pick her up at 6.30 and Taylor and I are outside waiting for her; as she comes through the doors, she staggers and falls. We are out of the car so fast, you would not believe. At first I think that she is exhausted after last night; when I eventually get her to speak to me she tells me that Hyde had tried to rape her."

"Christ! Was she ok, what did you do?" I am really shocked who would have thought Hyde would try something like that.

"I didn't have to do anything; Taylor was in there so fast it made my head spin, he was furious.

"It turns out, that Ana's dad had taught her some self defence and she had grabbed his little finger and twisted it round and as he was howling in pain from that,"

Christian pauses and grins maliciously." Ana kicked him in the balls and floored him" He finishes triumphantly.

"Yeah! Good for her." I suddenly feel very proud of out itty bitty Ana. "So what happened to Hyde? Did you file a complaint with the police?"

"No, Taylor gave him a punch or two and warned him if he touched Ana again he wouldn't be so gentle. And I fired his ass."

"Was Ana ok?"

"Well she was shook up naturally. I was so mad at Hyde I sort of took it out on her for a while. Yes Elliot the brain to mouth filter failed again. But I was so scared for her and I tried to warn her again and again but as usual she had ignored me. You see as part of his threat towards Ana he was also attempting to blackmail her into fucking him. Because he had recovered her emails to me"

"The bastard. I might have to find him and punch him myself" I'm so angry on Ana's behalf.

"Well we might get a chance yet, I have a feeling I haven't heard the last of Jack Hyde."

"Tell me you made it up with Ana when you got home, please." surely he didn't get all sulky with her.

"Yes of coarse and we had a very nice evening together. I think because Ana was able to defend herself she wasn't too traumatized by his attack. In fact she told me to stop worrying that she was stronger than she looked. But she still wouldn't say yes!"


	29. Chapter 29

**I'm so pleased that you are still keeping up with this story. Loving your reviews.**

**All characters belong to E. .**

Chapter 29.

Christian. POV.

It was torture not having an answer from Ana. I knew she was worried that I was making promises I couldn't keep; but time would tell. And I felt that I could not go into that darker side of my self with Ana because if I did it would be the end for us.

"In her position I would have felt the same; I mean you tell her you're a sadist in one breath then ask her to marry you. It's a lot to take in Christian. Especially for a girl like Ana." Elliot is admonishing.

"I know but as I said, I can't do the heavy shit with her because it is just not in

me to hurt her."

"So, you're not a sadist. If you were you wouldn't care about hurting her" he points out logically.

"That's what Flynn says. He says that sexual sadism is a life style and not a disease.

And the compulsion to be that way with Ana is not there because of my feelings for her.

"Elliot, I never had an emotional attachment to any of the subs. It was a way of life we shared and nothing else. I suppose when I think about it now, Elena beat all the emotion out of me. I never felt anything but sexual gratification when I was with them." I'm really trying to tell him how my world view has changes towards the BDSM life style I was leading.

"Well, I can see the change in you in the short time I have been away. You were so different with us all. It was especially notable when you got home after Charlie Tango crashed; and you hugged mom and dad and me. And when we met up at your birthday party; well I don't hardly remember a time you looked so fuckin' happy. And I think we both deserve another drink, bourbon?"

I nod in agreement. We were both getting pretty smashed but it wasn't the booze that was making me verbose. I was the shear relief of openly talking. So with drink in hand I continue with my confessional.

On Thursday not long after she had gone to work she calls me to tell me that she had been given Hyde's job as editor.

I was amazed myself that Roach had made that decision; after all Ana had only been there a couple of weeks and was just out of college. She asked me if I had a hand in her promotion, and I assured her that I hadn't.

When I thought about it made sense. To replace Hyde with someone as equally experienced could mean an expensive redundancy package should I decide to make cuts once the take over was complete.

But Roach tells me that Ana is a bright girl and that Hyde had rated her performance highly.

So, and you're going to laugh at this, I sent her a basket of flowers to congratulate her

And invite her to have celebratory dinner with me. See romance something I have never done before. Good eh?

But was about to exact my revenge for her keeping me hanging. After all she was torturing me. So I booked a table at the Mile High Club in Colombia Tower.

Before we went to see Flynn Ana gave me a gift for my birthday; but I wasn't open it until Saturday, my birthday. What an odd thing to do! I asked her why and she said.

"Because I can, Mr Grey" very mysterious. But I'll play along

We, well Ana had a talk with Flynn; they actually sent me out the room because Ana felt she could voice her concerns about me easier.

But she seemed reassured by what Flynn had told her.

I wanted to show her the house, if she liked the location I would buy it. My intension was for you to demolish it and build a new ecologically sustainable house for us. Ana just loved it. So that's why you are going to restore it for us.

"Good of me eh? Don't expect me to renovate it as a wedding present 'cos I can't afford it" he states categorically.

"Wouldn't dream of it you get paid just the same as any other customer."

Plus bonuses I think to myself.

So to the Mile High, and my sexy little plan.

"And that was?" Elliot is really interested now.

To tantalize her all evening. Be seductive but not follow through. It was great fun getting her all hot and bothered especially in the elevator. It was getting a bit full and we were sort of pushed to the back when I get this idea.

"Oh do tell."

Well, I'm a bit hesitant to give him details but on second thoughts, he has told me about his escapades in the past and I have pretended that I had no interest. And, why not?

"When we first got to the club, I fed her some champagne to relax her; then as we were going to the table to eat, I whispered in her ear to go to the rest room and take of her panties. She looks surprised, then she gets that look in her eye that tells me she's willing to play.

Well all through dinner I tease her, I don't touch her but I rub my leg inches from hers, I feed her oysters but I don't touch her face. I put my hand near hers but when she tries to put her hand on mine I move my hand away. She hitches up her skirt and taps her fingers on her thigh, trying to get me to respond. All the time we are looking at each other, sending messages. We are both getting pretty well turned on but Ana hasn't got the control I have. And by time we have finished eating she is all but ready to drag me into the rest room or somewhere for a bit of privacy. But no way not yet. I'm having fun watching get more and more aroused.

As I said when we were in the elevator, I get this idea. So I stand behind her and bend down and tie my shoe lace and as I stand, I put my hand on her leg, all the way up and under her skirt, and find my goal. All the way down all seventy eight floors, I touch her and she is getting more and more excited I wrap my arm around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder and whisper in her ear, about how I can't wait to get her home and fuck her senseless, how hot she feels. I tell her to be still. As she is squirming her ass up against me and now I'm really having trouble keeping myself under control. So although I'm having a great time pleasuring her, I have to think of something else to distract myself or this could get embarrassing if I walk out the elevator with a tent pole in my pants.

But I can't resist teasing her some more so I nibble on her ear a bit, that always turns her on. When we reach the ground floor and we are alone and she says to me

"I can't believe you did that."

"You'd be surprised what I can do" I tell her tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Then go on to tell her, I want her at home but perhaps we will only make it to the car.

Her face lights up "Oh I've never had sex in a car" all exited at the prospect.

And I don't know why but suddenly I'm boiling mad. And snap at her "I'm pleased to hear it. Not to say how mad I would be if you had."

I know this stupid she has never had sex with any one; only me. So I don't know where that fit of jealousy is coming from.

She snaps right back at me, "That's not what I meant and you know it. It was just a remark. I wasn't thinking straight, you just did that to me in the elevator full of people and I'm not myself right now"

I take a deep breath calming my ire down, and pull her to me. "What did I do to you Miss Steele?" I ask salaciously.

She blushes up to her hair roots. "You know what you did; you turned me on in an elevator with eight other people and left me all hot and bothered. Now take me home and fuck me!"

And frankly that shocks me that she should be so crude. She must be a bit frantic with need and boy that hots thing up even more.

"What a romantic you are, Miss Steele" and grinning like an idiot I hurry her into the waiting Saab.

We are so exited that we start undressing each other in the elevator and barely make it into the foyer at Escala before we are fucking. Boy that was a fantastic evening.

Elliot is sitting with his mouth and eyes wide as I grin at him. This is the most explicit I've ever been with him and I don't know if he is astounded by my candour or the sex game we played

"I can't believe you did that, how did you have the nerve?"

"I have nerve for anything Elliot. It's all about control and I'm a grand master at that."

"I don't think I could have made it home. I probably have had to pull in somewhere quite before I burst."

"Hence the thinking about something else,"

"Such as?"

"Well as a sub, you don't cum until your Dom says you can, or you get punished. When I started I had a terrible time distracting myself. But as time went by I learned to focus on something else, for me it was home work, the essay I had to write or and this was the best, the periodic table of elements."

"But wasn't that painful in it's self?"

"Yes it is; my balls were killing me by time we got back to Escala; but when you do reach a climax, its mind blowing. You should try instead of holding on for four minutes try measuring up, say for work you have to do, and hanging for ten minutes. Much more satisfying. Tell you what I'll book a table for you and Kate, my treat at the Mile high."

"But what about Kate won't she want to cum too?" he is really interested now

"Of course, but as soon as you feel her coming, stop, change position, touch her somewhere else, and if she can't well you just put an effort to make her climax again"

"You make it sound so easy" he snorts

"Well, Elliot I was taught by the most exacting mistress. So; Dr Love, you said you could make 'em scream, just take more time over it."

I can't believe I'm telling him all this stuff. Elliot, who claims to have fucked most of the available women in Seattle, is taking lessons from his kid brother.

We roll around laughing our heads off, he can't believe it either.


	30. Chapter 30

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**Thanks to E.L. James for the use of her characters.**

Chapter 30.

Elliot.

"Do you know Elliot; I was scared shitless when Charlie Tango's instrument panel started sending out warning signals and lighting up. The damned thing was spinning and shaking totally out of control, and it was all I could do to hold on to the stick.

When you learn to fly any air craft the first thing they teach you is emergency procedures. And I tried to remember it all and I did, except, I forgot to contact the fucking tower. They knew of my flight plan, they knew I'd altered course to fly over Mount Rainier, all it needed was an SOS signal before I switched off the electrics and I fucking forgot. There was a fire already in the tail, and so prevent any further sparks and fire the electrics had to go.

If I had fucking remembered to SOS the tower, it would have saved you all a lot of worry and Ros and I wouldn't have had a four hour walk to the highway. Plus I owe Ros for a pair of Jimmy Choo's. Do you know how much they cost? I think I pay her too much."

I know he is trying to add a little levity to his narrative, but I can tell that the whole incident was still horrific memory.

"Why didn't you turn the radio on again once you had landed?"

"We didn't land, we crashed I was lucky to get down without killing us both. I dared not try and radio in case I sparked another fire and blew the whole thing sky high that would have certainly have killed us as we couldn't have got far enough away."

"The Blackberry's were nearly fully charged and we were able to bring up the navigation app to guide us to the highway. But unfortunately, there is no satellite signal up there so once again we weren't able to contact home."

I well remember that night; mom, dad, Mia, Kate, Ethan, Jose, and I were pacing the lounge at Escala. Taylor, Sawyer, and the rest of the security team were harassing rescue team calling in favours trying to extend the search.

And there was little Ana in complete shock pale and shaking sitting huddled on the couch in front of the fire. The tension in the apartment is palpable as we wait and wait.

"All I could think about as I was struggling with the helicopter was Ana; that I wouldn't get to see her again; I would never know whether she had agreed to marry me. And probably Jose Rodriguez would move in to do the comforting." He confesses.

"So I'm praying for the first time in my life, Ros is screaming that she doesn't want to die. So I have to yell at her to shut the fuck up 'cos I can't think. We are about two hundred feet above ground level and we are coming in too fast to land safely. Shit this is bad. I tell Ros to hold on as we are going to land HARD.

I have no power in the tail both engines on fire I shut them down. I shut off the rotor so now we are drifting out of control. I see an area below that is relatively flat; I don't want to put down in Silver Lake; so I try gliding techniques to drift towards that spot.

I tell Ros again to brace herself and in my minds eye I see Ana's face. And I really think it's for the last time.

We hit the ground with a sickening jolt and for a moment I think we are going to tip over but some how the helicopter stays up right. All the breath is knocked out of me and Ros hits her head on the instrument panel with a sickening thud. But by some miracle we have landed!

But we are not safe; the tail is billowing flames and is likely to blow if the flames get to the fuel tanks. I unbuckle my harness and I see that Ros isn't moving she's sat with her eyes wide, staring in front of her. Her hands are gripping her seat so hard her knuckles are white and she has a small cut in her head. Thankfully it's not serious; we have been amazingly lucky but we can't stay here;

"Ros. Move your ass get out" I yell but I think she is paralysed with fear, she doesn't move as I unbuckle her harness. And give her a push, but she's still not moving. I have to kick my door open to get out and run around and pull her out, not easy she has a tight skirt and high heeled shoes. Once I've got her down and she is focused again I push her to get her to move I tell her to go behind a nearby rock while I get a fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

I collapse on the ground near Ros just in time to stop her lighting up a cigarette.

"Are you fucking mad? Do you want to blow us up?" I yell at her She glowers at me but we are both so relieved to be alive we start laughing.

I went back to the helicopter and got Ros's purse and my jacket. And there in the pocket is the gift Ana gave me.

"Come on Ros, we've got to hike." tell her. She looks at me as if I'm insane

"In these shoes!"

It takes four hours to reach the highway where we manage to hitch a ride back to Seattle.

"Do you think it was sabotage?" I query

"I'm almost sure it was. The Euro copter 135 is one of the safest in its class it has two engines in the tail so that if one is lost it can fly until it's safe to land. But to have both engines fire at the same time is extremely rare. And also the tracking devise I had on it was missing, lost or removed I'm not sure. But I have a team coming over from Germany where they are built to investigate thoroughly. And of coarse Welsh is getting a forensic team on it."

Yes it was bad night for us all.

"It was after you all had gone home that Ana gave me her answer."

"Not before time"

"Well actually I had, had her answer since Thursday." he snorts

"You remember my telling you about the gift she had given me that I wasn't allowed to open?"

"Yes it was for your birthday wasn't it?"

"It was. It was a key ring."

"A key ring! Why a key ring?"

"Well it was a flashing LED of Seattle skyline"

"What?"

"You know one of those little things made for the tourists. Here." he puts his hand into his pants pocket and brings out a small key ring and sure enough it has "Seattle" flashing on one side, he turns it over and presses a button and "YES" starts flashing on the other.

"How cool is that?" I can see he's delighted with it. "She gave it me on Thursday because she wanted me to know that no matter what Flynn said it hadn't made any difference to her decision. Neat eh?"

"It's certainly imaginative I'll give you that" I'm fascinated with Ana's little gift.

"I mean what does a girl give a man who has everything for his birthday?"

"That's what Ana said, she didn't know what to give so she gave me herself!"


	31. Chapter 31

**All characters belong to E.L. James. I have borrowed them for fun and not for profit**

Epilogue. One year later.

Grace is sitting on the terrace over looking the stretch of lawn that is more commonly known as the back yard. It is a beautiful expanse of garden with flowered boarders and tall trees it leads down to a jetty where there is moored an impressive yacht. To the left of the jetty stands a boathouse.

Grace is watching her son's, her daughter in law Kate's Brother Ethan and one of Christian's security men, Luke Sawyer. They are sitting on the grass and from what Grace can see they are playing some sort of drinking game; well Elliot and Christian are, the other two just seem to be cheering them on.

She shakes her head, who would have thought that just over a year ago that Christian would be so relaxed and happy in their company.

Her mind drifts back to last year at this time. How happy they all were when Christian had announced his engagement to Ana.

And then later, as she was looking for them both had heard shouting from the dining room.

"What is this? Do you think it's you? You think you are right for me?" Christian is shouting through gritted teeth.

"_I _was the best thing that happened to you; look at you now one of the riches most successful entrepreneurs in the US. You are controlled, driven. You need nothing you are master of the universe. You loved it Christian; don't try and kid yourself. You were on the road to self destruction and I saved you. I saved you from a life behind bars."

Grace freezes as she recognises the voice of her friend Elena Lincoln. She could feel the blood draining from her face as Elena goes on;

"Believe me baby, that's where you would have ended, I taught you everything know everything you need" she enunciates in a commanding tone.

Grace feels physically sick when she hears Christian' cold harsh response.

"You taught me how to fuck, Elena, but it's empty just like you; no wonder Linc left." he hisses "You never held me," his voice is stilted with emotion "You never told me you loved me"

"Love is for fools Christian.!" she mocks contemptuously.

And Grace has heard enough. Flinging open the door she strides into the room directly to Elena, and furiously she says her face a mask of disgust.

"Get out of my house, you whore!" the slap Grace lands across Elena's face echoes round the room like a gun shot.

Time seems to stand still as the echo reverberates around the room.

"Take your filthy hands of my son, you whore and _get out of my house, now_!"

Oh that felt so good.

Stifling a sob, Elena turns and bolts from the room.

Grace remembers looking at Christian, his eyes are wide and the colour has drained from his face. What do the kids say these days? _OSM, Oh shit moment_.

The silence in the room is palpable; Christian is breathing heavily staring at Grace.

Graces world is reeling, what did this mean? What sort of an affair has Christian had with Elena? And what about Anastasia, the girl is standing looking horrified her hand to her mouth in total disbelief.

Grace pulls herself together and not taking her eyes off her son, she says quietly

"Ana, before I hand him over to you, will you give me a moment with my son?"

"Of course" Ana whispers and quickly exits the room.

The next few minutes are the longest, Grace remembers. They took her back to a time when Christian was in his early teens, in trouble again, standing in front of her with that blank, stubborn, and tight lipped look. She never got an excuse any explanations. But always, always an apology always contrite but never changing.

Until that summer when she herself had sent Christian to work for the Lincolns. Is that when it had begun? She had to know.

"How old were you? How long?" her voice is the merest whisper.

Christian says nothing. The minutes tick by

"Christian Trevelyan Grey! You will talk to me. And you will talk now! Or I'll call this party to and end and you will talk to your father. Clearly this has been going on for some time, how old were you?" she persists in that tone a mother uses when she is not putting up with your childishness.

"Mom can't you just let it go? It was a long time ago; it's been over for years."

"It didn't sound over to me, was she trying to get you to leave Ana? Tell me Christian, when did that bitch start fucking my son!"

Eventually Christian came clean and told Grace how Elena had seduced him at fifteen.

He told her how she had made him tow the line for sexual favours.

Grace had been appalled" Why didn't you come and tell us? You were underage she corrupted you when you were a minor! "

"Mom, try and understand, please; yes I was a minor, in the eyes of the law. But at that time I was so frustrated, hormones going mad like any other teenager. I was angry because I knew; I knew I would never be able to have any sort of relationship with my hang ups. Hell mom I couldn't bear the girls at school to come on to me, I wouldn't be able to make out in the back of the gym, like Elliot. Elena gave me that relief, because she knew of my problems"

"Yes" says Grace angrily, "She knew because we confided in her. She knew and she taken advantage of vulnerable, impressionable child. She betrayed our trust. But she will not get away with it, she is finished in Bellevue, I will make it my life's work to ensure that she is ostracized from every social circle in the area. And no one will going to her salons. I will make sure everyone knows she is a paedophile. prying and abusing under aged boys"

And she had by dropping little snippets of gossip here and there. Shunning her at every social, charity event and club she could. And because Grace was well respected as soon as people knew that Grace and Mia had vetoed her salons other ladies of the inner circle stopped going too. According to rumour Elena had upset Grace by calling her son's fiance a mousy little gold digger.

Suddenly Elliot jumps to his feet and bolts over to the deck where he violently vomits into the waters of the sound. Christian in whooping it up punching the air victoriously, he turns a complete cartwheel landing on his feet he's shouting

"I win, I win I fuckin' beat you Elliot you wimp."

Elliot looks at him gives him the finger "Bastard!" and leans over throwing up again.

Christian collapses on the grass, passed out.

I really am going to have to say something to those two about their language. Thinks Grace; but seeing Christian as he was today; a changed man, a very happy man. It could wait for now.

She knew that he and Elliot had become closer over the past year. She had heard about the long night they had, had Christian telling Elliot about his affair with Elena when they had reached a new level of understanding and bonding.

She felt that Christian had revelled more to Elliot than anyone, but did she want to know? No, let it go Grace, she told herself there are things a mother really doesn't need to know about her children's private life.

The thing that she did know however was that the young woman sitting next to her nursing their baby was responsible for Christian's happiness.

**Elliot. Pov.**

I was determined that Christian wasn't going to beat me to the boat house this year. In fact knew I was on a pretty safe bet. Because poor old Christian was on six weeks of enforced celibacy, poor guy, I don't think. Since their son Teddy was born five weeks ago, I have had no end of fun winding him up about it. I even phoned and text him while Kate and I were on our honeymoon just to rub it in.

We have become a lot closer since the long night of the soul, when he told me all about his alternative lifestyle. It was gut wrenching when he confessed to the BDSM he indulged in. I couldn't have believed it of him.

We had often wondered my dad and I just how he lived; he was so solitary. We knew he had no friends of either sex, he had associates, people who he worked with or worked for him. But no one you could categorize as a friend. He lived alone, apart from Taylor and Gail Jones. But they were his employees. He loved to sail, and Mac and he would go out together on his catamaran, "The Grace". But Mac was an employee too. He had helped Christian design and build his boat and they shared the experience of sailing her together. But that was it, Mac looked after The Grace. He was paid well to do so.

I think in those years since he dropped out of Harvard, I was the nearest thing to a friend; at lease we would go out and have a meal or a drink or hike together. But even then he was closed and reticent. He had distanced himself from all family ties because he felt that if we knew about his proclivities we would turn our backs on him. He couldn't confess his "Affair" with Elena because he didn't want to hurt mom's feelings by letting her know she had betrayed mom's trust. So rather than hurt us as a family whom he loved he would prefer us to believe he was a celibate gay.

So it seemed last year on his birthday, when she revelled herself that it been such a weight off his mind that he wanted to purge himself altogether

And decided that, possibly, I would be his confessor.

I have never shared the knowledge with anyone and nor will I. If he wants to tell mom and dad he will, in his own good time.

We have a lot more fun as a family these days, Christian can be so much fun.

Like today, he said "Ok it's my birthday we have to have party games right?"

Ethan and I nod in agreement. So he challenges me to as drinking game he called "Roxanne"

Neither, Ethan or I have heard of it; but Sawyer, Ana's CPO, has so he is sitting with us to see fair play and Ethan is there to pour the drinks.

I should have realised Christian was being sneaky when he ate a hamburger and drunk a bottle of water before we started.

Anyhow Ethan lines us up with a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of vodka on Sawyer's instruction. Then Christian gets out his iPad and brings up The Police singing Roxanne. The idea being, every time the word Roxanne is sung we have to drink the shot of what ever Ethan pours out. The first of us to throw up or pass out looses. And the winner, now get this, gets to go in the boat house. Now I know I'm gonna win this I can take my booze and Christian is not a big drinker. WRONG. Do you know how many times The Police sing Roxanne in that fucking song? 48!

So I end up throwing up first in the Sound, and Christian is so happy he does a cartwheel then passes out! So neither of us is fit to go to the boat house! Our wives and our mom are not best pleased. I get the cold shoulder all night from Kate and Christian gets to get up to feed the baby twice in the night.

He told me next day it was worth the hang over just to get his own back making sure I wasn't fit to go in the boat house with Kate.

So far, Christian has refused to show me his play room at Escala. He tells me I'm not ready for it yet. Though he has given Kate and me some toys to play with.

I think Christian as at a place where he would have been in if all the shit hadn't happened to him. I believe he is who he was meant to be.

**A/n well that's the end of my tale. To everyone who has followed it and reviewed Thankyou for your time and most of all your encouragement. **


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